Thanksgiving has a few connotations in our society: family, togetherness, getting together, being grateful; oppression and decimation of a native people; and, of course, the stupid crap we do to food in order to get it on the table. Ask anyone who has worked in an emergency room for longer than 12 seconds, and they'll probably tell you multitudes of stories about good ol' boys and the suburbanites descended from them who've gotten severe burns trying to deep-fry a turkey in the back yard. I'm all for safe stupidity, though, so here are a few alternatives to let out your boldfaced Americanness on everyone's favorite Thursday.
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5. “Mama's Fried Cream Corn Recipe”
Paula Deen is oft the source of ridiculously fatty, butter-soaked foods,
and that's why we love her. Never mind that this dish is essentially
just corn, bacon, grease and butter in a pan. You also might want to
ignore that there is, in fact, no cream in this creamed corn recipe. In
fact, you may just want to stop thinking altogether as you sit down at
your corn-grating apparatus and grind away. Don't get me wrong: I love a
good, fatty, bacony mess. But at some point, you have to admit that
corn becomes less the focus of a dish and more a vehicle for bacon
grease to go into your gullet.
The guys at Epic Meal Time never really disappoint in their brand of
awesome stupidity. This monstrosity, made for last year's Thanksgiving,
is quail, Cornish game hen, chicken and seared duck, all layered
inside a turkey (with some bacon strips in there for good measure),
sewn up and put inside a pig (with more bacon) and sewed shut. Or, as
they like to call it, a bird in a bird in a bird in a bird in a bird in a
pig.
It's disgusting. You should make it.
3. “Amazing White Trash Puff Balls”
As if Thanksgiving could be even more plainly about cultural
assimilation, remind everyone with this delightfully (and accurately)
named appetizer. I'm not entirely sure how it got on the list for
Food.com's Thanksgiving appetizer list, although nothing quite says
Thanksgiving like packaged, pre-sliced pepperoni.
2. “Red Eye Gravy Cocktail”
For those who want a strictly stupid Thanksgiving cocktail (anything
cranberry need not apply) and can't find any of Jones Soda's rare
“Turkey & Gravy” variety, here's one for you: bourbon, rum, coffee
and gravy, stirred with a strip of bacon. It's Thrillist's recipe for
the “Red Eye,” a drink that's supposed to be for the day after Thanksgiving,
but you can make an exception for some fresh gravy cocktails on
Thanksgiving night.
1. “Deep-Fried Stuffing on a Stick”
Okay, enough trashing Paula Deen for now. But, seriously? I almost threw up
in my mouth when I saw the featured photo for this recipe. Though I'm
sure it tastes fine, the mere sight of these might make even the most
seasoned Thanksgiving fanatic gag a little. Whose idea was it to form stuffing into the shape of a turd and put it on a stick? Perhaps
they ought to rethink a few life choices. The good part about this, of
course, is that it'll look the same coming out as it does going in.
