Five Great, Sweet-as-Hell, Convenient (and Not Bad Actually) Fast-Food Desserts!

C'mon, don't pretend like you never enjoyed these at some point in your pre-Michael Pollan life or even now. Like a great thinker once said, “You ain't gotta lie ta kick it!” After all, a good fast-food dessert is just as American as apple pie loving Osama's death. For this assignment, your trusty OC Weekly intern busted his ass yet again and bit the cloyingly sweet bullet–five of them to be exact.

For the list, I went back to my old-school favorites, and tried bunch of other new sugary crap; after much deliberation, this was the best of the worst! From great to greatest!

5. Burger King's Hershey's Sundae Pie

The B.K. by Garfield High School in EastLos has been a haven for ditchers for more than 15 years, if not longer. I remember the first time I ate this pie–it was 9 a.m., I was fifteen, and the whole establishment got raided by the school police paddy-wagon. My friends were drinking spiked fountain Coke from a cup they recycled from the trash can while I ate my breakfast of champions. Think silky chocolate Cool Whip with a thin, cakey crust, then topped with silkier Hershey shavings. The more room temp, the oozier. Mmmmmmm. Also, it only clocks in at a surprisingly trim 300 calories, if you are into that kind of thing. (Apparently, fast-food places now have the calories on display before you order?)

4. KFC's Strawberry Shortcake Little Bucket Parfait

See the partially-hydrogenated oil trend here? Extra-Crispy and I used to be tight homies back in the day, but I never ventured into their dessert territory. This bad boy had a 75/15/10 ratio of Cool Whip-like stuff to gelatinous seedless strawberry goop to fluffy sponge cake. It would be even awesomer if it had more jelly and bread, but for the creamy-plain-vanilla masses, this hits the spot.

3. Jack in The Box's Chocolate Overload Cake

In the pantheon of fast-food chocolate atrocity cakes, Jack in The Box's entrant is Zeus. First of all, evil kudos to making stoners nationwide need some chocolate cake to go with their 99-cent tacos with an exploded picture of it with the words “Its not too late at the window.” But the truth of the matter is that the cake is pretty damn moist, the chocolate drizzle is thick and dare I say it… actually tastes bitter amidst all the cheap-as-hell cocoa solids? So go eat one with a large Oreo shake now! 

2. Taco Bell's Cinnamon Twists

These little corn puffs dusted with cinnamon and sugar will surely do you in. Believe it or not, I grew up on this shit back in my kid's meal days. And they were just as good as I remembered them–surprisingly not too sweet and actually not greasy. These are the fat-ass fast-food cousin of a buñuelo and a churro.

1. McDonald's Apple Pie

I couldn't think of any other way to crown this list than the fast-food dessert that started it all.  These things are the epitome of the perfect American fast-food dessert, whether you like it or not: always flaky, always served steaming hot, and a bargain at $1 for two delicate pockets of highly processed apples. My dad turned me on to these as a young 'un; he's enjoyed them since he first migrated to the U.S. Mickey D's apparently now have a peach pie, too.

This was the first time I stepped foot in fast-food restaurants since I started my food blog (almost six years ago!) But, eyy….a reporter has to do, what a reporter has to do. Hope you enjoyed; now, go out and poison your body!

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