FAMILY TWIN CINEMAS Spunky and (we assume)family-run theater that is just so goddamn heartwarming. Between the cash-cow Disney stuff, these stalwart entrepreneurs right out of Pecker (Is that blue-haired sis at the ticket booth? Harried-but-lovable dad hustling everyone into their seats? Or bro popping the popcorn and pumps the soda pop?) just ooze down-home love for the cinema. Of course, we're probably just projecting a lot: when we went and saw The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, we won a free Abominable Snowman doll! Ball Road and Walker Street, Cypress, (714) 828-1660.

FASCIST ISLANDDerogatory term for Fashion Island. See also: Balboa Island FERRY, THENot the lonely guy at the end of the bar at the Boom but the flat boats that take cars across Newport Harbor between Balboa Island and the Balboa Peninsula. On the Eastern Seaboard, such ferries are mandatory for getting around. In sunny Southern California, the ferry is something of a cheap thrill, a way to kill some time and smell the sea breeze after munching a Balboa Bar (see Balboa Bars) or dropping all your quarters in the arcades in the Fun Zone (see Fun Zone). 401 S. Bay Front, Balboa Island. FESTIVAL OF THE SWALLOWS, SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO Anyone can get smashed by midday, but it's hard to feel good about yourself while doing it. Except once a year: the Festival of the Swallows. Come high noon, every cowboy-hat-wearing lowlife (and lowlife wannabe) in the county has already descended upon the Swallows Inn to do just that: swallow whiskey, swallow beer, swallow Jell-O shooters—putting as many gallons in their belly as they can in their goofy-looking lids. With costuming that allows you to look down on your peers before they even pass out, that inflated sense of self-worth never felt so good. 31786 Camino Capistrano, San Juan Capistrano, (949) 493-3188. FILM SCHOOLS 1. LA film-school grads think their poop don't stink, but five years from now, when they're working as PAs on a music video for Britney Spears' kid sister and contemplating whether to commit suicide before or after lunch, the OC Wonder Kids will be out there shaking shit up, big time. Local film schools lack the glamour of their LA competition, but they turn out workhorses such as the annoying but mega-successful McG (Charlie's Angels) and Steven Spielberg. Take that, Johnny USC! 2. Long Beach State is most famous for being the undergraduate school of Steven Spielberg, who left after a professor told him he would never have a chance of breaking into Hollywood. Spielberg came back to receive his B.A. last summer after spending a career making bazillions. The professor is presumably stocking the shelves at Blockbuster. 3. Cal State Fullerton's most famous graduate is Kevin Costner, although he never majored in film (he majored in business administration and marketing). Which means the film department is great. 4. Orange Coast Collegeis one of the best film departments in the country, despite its limited facilities. You can get the same experience here in two years that you'd get at a four-year university—tens of thousands of dollars cheaper. 5. Chapman Universityis the most comprehensive film school in the country, offering bachelor's and master's in film production and studies, with a bevy of options. On the other hand, it's named after schlockmeister Cecil B. DeMille. 6. UC Irvine offers a film-studies program that screens some of the weirdest films outside of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Only cinema weirdoes need apply.

Non-natives believe that Orange
Countians—when not campaigning
for Ronald Reagan's reanimated
corpse, lining up outside Disneyland
“It's A Small World,” surfing whilst
listening to Dick Dale or smoking our
marijuana “cigarettes”—are getting
sick pop off the tranny.
801 W. Valencia, Fullerton,
(714) 738-5369.
Photo by James Bunoan.
FINGERPRINTS 1. The best record store around to take a non-record person to. Your impatient significant others will find some alterna-novelty item to satisfy their squareness (ooh! Misfits action figures! Ooh! Radiohead CDs!), while cool people such as yourself can pick up reasonably priced retro-reissues (Love! ESG!) and unearth rare used bargains in the cozy little vinyl bins (like all the Rolling Stones '60s singles—on 45!). 2. Home of the only record-store clerks outside Amoeba you could visualize actually dating non-record-store-patronizing people. So don't leave your Squaresville significant other alone in there too long, okay? 4612 E. Second St. Ste. B, Long Beach, (562) 433-4996. $5 MILKSHAKEWe're not supposed to tell you about this because it's like a Korean underground thing, but whatever. There's this place called Cafe Clair in Stanton, in this marketplace next to a karaoke thing. If white people go in there, they get glared at—it's all Korean clientele. But they have these really great $5 milkshakes—they're really small but so good. It's a little bit bigger than a shot glass, and we don't know what's in there, but they're very creamy. And you're kind of intimidated into buying something because people are mean and snobby. Go with an Asian friend, preferably a Korean, and preferably a Korean who speaks Korean. 12860 Beach Blvd., Stanton, (714) 379-2575. FLAMING VIRGINThe Mandarin Pavillionhas the best house drinks, and the Flaming Virgin is the best of the best. Something like a fruity Long Island iced tea, it has both light and dark rum, plus a lot of other unidentifiable liquors mixed up in it. It's also really strong, so don't bother ordering another—all you need is one to buy yourself a condo in Totally Fucked-Upville. Even more stunning, they serve it to you in this gargantuan, margarita-type glass—almost like a goblet—and then it's topped with a brandy-dipped lime they set on fire as it's brought to your table. Hence the name. 1050 W. Valencia Dr., Fullerton, (714) 870-7950. FLEUR DE LISIf we were a wrought-iron garden sculpture, or an engraved rock that said “Always” or something like that, we'd want to live at Fleur de Lis, a winsome little verdant dining establishment that could exist only in California. It has all the garden tchotchke you could want, plus exotic pseudo-French (if it has Brie in it, it must be French) sandwiches and other delights. Coffee is also served, as well as Punky's lemonade. Who is Punky? You may never know, but the refreshment sure goes down easy with a baguette in the out-of-doors. 335 Nieto, Long Beach, (562) 986-6811.FOUNTAIN VALLEY Let's just get this out of the way: there are few fountains in Fountain Valley. City lore says the “fountain” in Fountain Valley is derived from the many artesian wells and abundant local water supply. Abundant B.S., more likely. Around the turn of the century, that “abundant water” had local folks mocking the area as “Gospel Swamps.” Fountain Valley is probably just a cute marketing device someone came up with to attract hicks. Fountain Valley is a bland, landlocked, middle-class, mostly white but increasingly Asian bedroom community whose greatest claim to fame is a Boomers amusement park with a Bullwinkle's and an adjacent Original Tommy's World Famous Hamburgers. Incidentally, Fountain Valley was incorporated as Orange County's 21st city in 1957, the same year that Stavros Niarchos presented his wife, the former Charlotte Ford, with the “Ice Queen,” a 128.25-carat, pear-shaped diamond the Ford family later nicknamed “The Skating Rink.” Hey, Boomers has a skating rink. Creepy! Other false and misleading municipal names: Midway City; Mission Viejo; Hooterville FOURTH STREETNew and old buildings mix to create one of OC's most individual shopping districts. Terrific for clothes, food, music, toys, just about everything—and at great prices. Have something to eat while you're there. Main and Fourth Streets, Santa Ana. FRALEY, JAY MICHAELWhether he's seducing an audience as the Prince of Darkness, stripping off his clothes to gangbang hustlers, hacking up patients in an insane asylum or performing a gay marriage ceremony as a queer Christ figure, Fraley stands out as arguably the riskiest actor in Orange County. His adventurous choices—and his wholly believable impersonations as those choices—should be an inspiration/provocation to any up-and-coming actor considering that plum role in yet another community theater revival of The Odd Couple. Don't! FRANK'S PHILADELPHIA When a City of Brotherly Love exile laments OC's glaring lack of real Philly cheesesteaks, march him/her over to Frank's. Not only do they serve the real deal (and other mouthwatering sandwiches), but the walls are also adorned with memorabilia from championship Eagles, Flyers, Phillies and 76ers teams. 2244 Fairview Rd., Costa Mesa, (949) 722-8725.FULLERTONCentrally located municipality home to myriad colleges (Cal State Fullerton, Fullerton College, that Bible deal), theater companies, and the best old-town section of any city in the county. Fullerton also has numerous decorative sheep (see also Sheep) and a restaurant where one may order and consume cow tongue and/or brains round the clock (see also Taqueria de Anda). Surrounded as it is by the 91, 57 and 5 freeways, a despicable person might say the best thing about Fullerton is how quickly you can leave. Despicable. FUN ZONEWho wouldn't love a place sporting a Ferris wheel, a pizza place, bay tour boats, nacho vendors, arcades, a merry-go-round, a cookie shop and a stand that sells corn on the cob? Turns out lots of people. Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds probably packed 'em in a century ago; their place in this topsy-turvy Magic Mountain world of killer coasters, Game Cubes and loose-fitting trousers is hard to justify. Still, it all comes with a bayside view and lots of tense, mumbling locals. Bayside of the Balboa Peninsula between Palm and Main.

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