Is Friends over yet? When I was a sophomore in high school, The Rembrandts played our senior prom (which I went to 'cuz I was superhot!), and they got the name wrong on the program and said they were The Van Goghs. Even with that brush with greatness, I haven't watched the show since Chandler got fat and went to rehab. Who wants to think about him and Cadaverous getting it on, with his sweat dripping off his forehead and onto her skeletal face? Gross!

Instead of such smut—and chick's continual bossing of the world (who does she think she is? Brenda from 90210?)—head over for the opening night of Sideshow. I haven't seen it or nothin', but what could possibly be better than a musical based on conjoined twins? Real-life conjoined twins from the '30s? Who became stars, dammit? Stars!? Superhot! 8 p.m. $12.50-$15. Through March 25. Fullerton College's Campus Theatre, 321 E. Chapman Ave., Fullerton, (714) 992-7294. Thurs.-Sat., 8 p.m.


The most liberating thing you can do in your late teens (besides Ecstasy) is see Spike N Mike's Sick N Twisted Festival of Animation. It's happy shit, and it's broken every animator from Mike Judge (Beavis N Butt-Head) to Craig McCracken (Power Puff Girls). But it can be really, really annoying if it's all jarheads or frat boys at your showing because they holler every time there's a tit onscreen, and there's always a tit onscreen, and it sucks, and you hate them, and you want them to die! But let's be positive. Maybe your theater will be full of Ghost World girls instead! 4, 6, 8 N 9:50 p.m. 18+. Through March 25. (For more show times, see The Arts.) Laemmle Laguna, 62 S. Coast Hwy., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-1711.


Ready for the worst thing in the whole world? Ever? Go to Autograph Event With Stars From Harry Potter, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. “Stars” include two Weasleys, Seamus Finnigan and Neville Longbottom from that witchy book so many uptight freaks won't let their kids read; Boba Fettand Darth Maul from Star Wars; and Sauron from Lord of the Rings.Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Sauron a disembodied eye? Even better, you gotta pay for the privilege. Shouldn't they be paying us to pretend we care? That's what Corey Feldman does! 10 a.m.-6 p.m. $20 per autograph or picture. Westfield MainPlace, 2800 N. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 547-7000.


Does your FBI file lack pizzazz? Well, we're sure you'll have a little something notated if you go hang out with the Unitarians (The Man hates Unitarians!) when they present anti-war activist Josh Connolein the spicily monikered Connole vs. the Patriot Act. He'll discuss the jackbooted thugs who raided his cute little anarcho-hippie co-op last year and arrested him on charges (many say false) of firebombing a Hummer dealership. At the time, this piquant action by perpetrators who many say were not Connole necessitated our editor explaining patiently to the newsroom that violence and bombing are bad, even when you do them to Hummers. 11 a.m. Unitarian Church of Orange County, 511 S. Harbor Blvd., Anaheim, (714) 758-1050.


We don't know who this here Tanya is or how good her open-mic talent show is. But we do know it's ass-hard to fill this here Monday slot, and so we thank Tanya and her open-mic talent show, and we hope people go and do shadow puppets or monologues in other languages or really, really inept impressions of Latka and Jim from Taxi. What we hope people don't do is play music. Music?We hate it! Rock on. 9 p.m. Free. 21+. Liquid Den, 5061 Warner Ave., Huntington Beach, (714) 377-7964; www.liquid-den.com.


The Long Beach Museum of Arthas had a show on teapots up for what must seriously have been two years, and yet though the exhibits always but always suck, the lovely, cliff-top museum offers the ultimate hip, happy events. We first saw Dave Alvin and Steven Malkmus there in the garden on perfect summer Tuesday nights, and this month, the museum is starting up a series of salons. Now their exhibits may start to live up to the rest of the place: “Women of Our Time—20th-Century Photographs From the National Portrait Gallery” doesn't look to be as incredible as the Orange County Museum of Art's “Woman, but it looks impressive and unsucky nonetheless. Open Tues.-Sun., 11 a.m.-5 p.m. $5; students/seniors, $4; children under 12, free; free admission for all the first Fri. of every month. Through April 4. Long Beach Museum of Art, 2300 E. Ocean Blvd., Long Beach, (562) 439-2119.


We're just going to let this speak for itself: “Tired of 'God'-bashing? Bush-bashing? Republican-bashing? Well, this is the 'Bash' for you! . . . Look out, Bill Maher! Step aside, Janeane Garofalo! Run for cover, Michael Moore!Politically conservative standup comics are finally coming out of the closet! They are sick and tired of having to hide their political beliefs and feelings just to fit in the liberal world of show biz. No more shame; no more fear!! Conservative comedians are here!! Come to the Brea Improv for THE RIGHT STUFF—a hilarious 90-minute standup-comedy show featuring four comedians who have appeared on television, toured nationally and now welcome Orange County fans with a refreshingly clean show that laughs at the world from a conservative point of view. This provocative, wickedly funny show pokes fun at the hard left and political correctness, making for a hilarious evening of humorous venting at liberal 'conventional wisdom' and the elite media establishment. The show was recently applauded in a feature article in the Washington Times, praised by nationally syndicated radio talk-show hosts Dennis Prager, Larry Elder, Laura Ingrahamand . . . Hugh Hewitt!”

You know what this is gonna be like? When Republicans —think Jim Belushior Bruce Willis—try to play the blues. Dude: pain. 8:30 p.m. $17. Brea Improv, 120 S. Brea Blvd., Brea, (714) 482-0700; www.improv.com or www.rightstuffcomedy.com.


What about now? Is Friends over now? How about . . . now? Well, maybe this lecture will be over in time for you and your fat, Friends-watching ass to get home and let the laugh track lead you. If not, you'll be stuck asking Frank Zimring “Is Criminal Justice Important?” I think his answer will be yes! Anyway, he discusses why criminal punishment should be considered critically important to defending human rights. Whoa, there, Mr. Russia! Over here, we've got a little thing called the Bill of Rights that you can pry from our cold dead hands! (Please don't kill me.) 6 p.m. University Club, UC Irvine, Campus N W. Peltason drs., Irvine, (949) 824-7181.

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