Eight Days

Thurs/July 15 Since the guy at J. King Neptune's (17115 Pacific Coast Hwy., Sunset Beach, 562-592-4878) says The Attractions who are playing there tonight probably aren't the real Attractions—as in Elvis Costello and . . . —I say we gay it up and go with Rodgers N Hammerstein's A Grand Night for Singing as our pick for the day. Don't you? Speaking of “gay” and “Rodgers N Hammerstein,” once I was in the shower with this dude, and he started singing all the songs from Oklahoma! He wasn't gay, but he did turn out to be a giant prick. Also once? I was actually in Oklahoma, Shawnee to be precise, for some fine dining at Van's Pig Stand, and my whole family was trying to hit on the cute waiter for me. Naturally, he was horrified, and when he fled from the table, my Grandma Jeanisaid in her gentle way, “I think he must be one of those queers!” My Grandma Jeani died this week, and I love her. 8 p.m. $18-$20. The Chance Theater, 5552 E. La Palma Ave., Anaheim, (714) 777-3033.

Fri You know what's not too gay? Ozomatliat the Pacific Amphitheatre(Orange County Fairgrounds, 88 Fair Dr., Costa Mesa, 714-740-2000; www.ocfair.com.) You know what is? The Tin Pan Alley Rag, wherein “Irving Berlin meets Scott Joplin in this delightful new musical set in New York City in the early part of the last century in the district known as Tin Pan Alley.” There's no business like show business! (Disclaimer: Berlin wasn't himself, per se, so far as I know, actually homosexual. That was Cole Porterand Jason Priestly.) 8 p.m. $20-$42. Fullerton Civic Light Opera at Plummer Auditorium, 218 W. Commonwealth Ave., Fullerton, (714) 879-1732. Sat Jina Bacarr discusses her book The Japanese Art of Sex—How to Tease, Seduce and Pleasure the Samurai in Your Bedroom. Don't even think this one's just for the ladies; I haven't heard a girl say Samurai since Shogun. This is for all of us who need to de-butch a little, and mama, I'm first in line. 2 p.m. Borders Books, Music and Cafe, 22401 Old Canal Rd., Yorba Linda, (714) 974-4743. Sun Holy matrimony! It wouldn't be a gay-themed Eight Days (as opposed to all the other Eight Dayses) without a Gay and Lesbian Wedding Expo! Find out the latest 411 on adoptions and current legalities, whether for domestic partnerships, civil unions or the real McCoy (offer not available in these 49 states). But you know you're really going for the fabulous fashion show and makeovers. 11 a.m.-5 p.m. $10-$12. Anaheim Marriott Suites, 12015 Harbor Blvd., Garden Grove, (800) 570-8573; www.ocgayweddingexpo.com. Mon Quien es mas gay? Justin Hayford performing songs from the '30s and '40s with a vocal styling that recalls the era when crooners reigned supreme? (I long and sigh!) Or a vegetarian cooking demonstrationwith “substantial soy”? My brain, she explodes! Justin Hayford sings at 8 p.m. $19. Saddleback College Cabaret Theatre, 28000 Marguerite Pkwy., Mission Viejo, (949) 582-4656.The hourlong Vegetarian 101 cooking demonstration starts at 6 p.m. Free. Native Foods, 2937 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (714) 751-2151. TuesNo, I haven't seen the work, but the title itself—Adams and 21 Eves: Women Photographers From the Vault—should have your gaydar working overtime. Adam N Eve? How about Adam and Steve??? This unique exhibition features works on paper from the museum's permanent collection, including those by Ruth Bernhard, Tina Barney, Sally Gall, Judy Fiskin, Jan Groover, Candida Hoferand many more. Noon-5 p.m. $4. Cal State Long Beach, University Art Museum, 1250 Bellflower Blvd., Long Beach, (562) 985-5761. Wed Break out the banjos for the classic country of White Lightnin'. Get it? Like in Deliverance! 8:30 p.m. Free. 18+. Crazy Horse Steakhouse, Irvine Spectrum, 71 Fortune Dr., Ste. 864, Irvine, (949) 585-9000; www.crazyhorse2000.com. Thurs/July 22 Foxy Autopsy! Foxy Autopsy! Dude, chicks rap about Aquavend, that big water machine where you (usually if you're a Latino family) bring your own containers! They (and Latino families!) fuckin' love Aquavend! These are the most rockin'est girls I've seen since Blondie, and she was only one girl. Okay, since Tom Tom Club! They're so much more rocking than The Donnas it's not even funny. I don't think they're gay, but I'd so totally switch teams for them. You know why? 'Cuz they're tuff! And they rap! About stuff I don't even remember anymore, except of course for the Aquavend. Oh, and getting naked with your mom. With Gravy Train and Explogasm. 7 p.m. $6-$7. Koo's Art Caf, 540 E. Broadway, Long Beach, (562) 491-7584; www.koos.org. —Rebecca Schoenkopf, with research by Jamie Rodriguez

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