Eight Days

Thurs/Dec 23
As something called a Jennifer Girouxso happily reminded us on a recent edition of Scarborough Countrywhen she nattered, “All I can say, Rabbi, is, you've got to concede the fact—and it's difficult because we all at times in life have to say, 'I'm sorry, I was wrong'—we cannot go back and make it that the Hawaiians killed Christ,” the Jews will surely roast in everlasting hellfire, if'n they don't get a taste of it here on earth first. Nevertheless, the Jews? Still funny! Try the HaHaHanukah Stand Up Comedy Show hosted by Adam Gropman and Lee Levine. 8:30 p.m. $25. Brea Improv, 120 S. Brea Blvd., Brea, (714) 482-0700; www.improv.com.

Today's your last chance to make like the money changers in the temple and sully the birth of your lord and savior with a crass-'n'-Capitalist rush of consumerism. Really in a fix? Do what my dad (JEW!) used to do: go to 7-Eleven and buy everything they have. Staple in a paper bag. Voila!

Tired of the Godless Jews denigrating Christmas? So's Bill O'Reilly! Call your favorite Jew and tell them, lovingly, to go back to Israel. Then do what my family does on Christmas morning in an awesome Christmas tradition I invented: treat your loved ones to a breakfast buffet of champagne and strawberries and bagels and lox. Remember these wise words from Bircher fruitcake/former OC Republican representative/double-family-haver/father of pedo-freak Mary Kay Letourneau/dead guy John Schmitz: Jews are just like everyone else, only more so.

Phil Shane loves everyone, even though he's originally from Alabama. Go see him at the Mouse House of Blues and let your love light shine. Everyone is welcome in the Church of Phil. (Also? Tell him it's your birthday. Whee!) 8 p.m. $10. All ages. 1530 S. Disneyland Dr., Anaheim, (714) 778-2583.

You tired? Me, too.

Here's something nice from Bill Donohueof the Catholic League: “Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, okay? And I'm not afraid to say it. That's why they hate [The Passion of the Christ]. It's about Jesus Christ, and it's about truth. It's about the messiah.

“Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children. They like abortions. I believe in traditional values and restraint. They believe in libertinism. We have nothing in common. But you know what? The culture war has been ongoing for a long time. Their side has lost.” So go see Monsters On Ice, brought to you by the secular, Godless, Hollywood Jews who like abortions and anal sex. For the kids! 7:30 p.m. $13-$50. Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, 2695 E. Katella, Anaheim, (714) 740-2000; www.arrowheadpond.com.

Check out SolArt, the best little gallery in Santa Ana, for an Open Mic Night. Be a mensch: drop a donation for your vanillatte, and do your part to help this perfect pearl have a long and healthy reign. 7:30 p.m. SolArt Gallery Café, 2202 N. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 834-0277.

Thurs/Dec 30
You know who's going to hell (besides the Jews)? Wizards and practitioners of Magick. Won't you picket Barnes N Noble and its hellbound Harry Potter Club? Or perhaps you could just make like Operation Rescueand shoot them. (Please don't shoot them.) 4 p.m. Barnes N Noble, 23752 Aliso Creek Rd., Aliso Viejo, (949) 362-9665.

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