Ease Up, Hasselhoff

You're the head Hasselhoff who has finally put in enough years to become the leader of the children's lifeguard summer camp that happens right outside my apartment in Newport Beach. Congratulations! They even gave you a megaphone with which to command the future lifeguards of America. Thing is, I really wish someone would've taught you how to use it. You don't need to say EVERYTHING that comes out of your mouth during the entire four-hour camp experience. Just stick to the brief, important stuff. You see, some of us who pay rent here work from home and would appreciate it if you could just, um, shut the fuck up. No need to spout every wacky comment while the kids are off doing their activities. At that point, you're just doing it to hear your God-like voice echo through the clouds. Remember: Behind your summer camp is a whole neighborhood of houses with people in them who want to hear you as little as possible. So shouting into a megaphone like it's Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! is pretty fucking rude. It's Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! and some of us (like me) are trying to work!

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