No, seriously: Stop trying to seduce me. We had our thing nearly 15 years ago at this point, yet you still try to get at me: Facebook messages asking if you can give me something, lingering looks whenever we run into each other in Costa Mesa, hints told to my friends that you still want me, tearful confessions that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake you ever made to friends whom you don’t know talk to me. It absolutely was, and I never looked back. To paraphrase Dylan, you just sorta waste my precious time.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to email@example.com.