Yes, as odd as it may sound, just two days after Osama bin Laden was
killed the Walt Disney Company submitted an application to trademark
the term “SEAL Team 6.” (Learn more details about the story here.)
For what? No one is 100 percent sure, but rumor is that it's for a new It's a Small World-esque ride where passengers (AKA Navy SEALs) will ride on a boat through numerous different exotic lands on the lookout for bin Laden.
If this is true (which it totally isn't, for those of you who missed the blatant sarcasm in this post I wrote last week), it got me thinking about what other terms Disney could trademark and then parlay them into great new attractions for the park.
After the jump are my top five guesses of what new attractions parkgoers can expect to find in Disneyland.
5. “Mission Accomplished”
A fast-paced boat adventure that is extremely intense in the beginning but then, as the boat approaches what looks to be the end, passengers are told that they still have eight more years left on the ride. To help finance the attraction, Disney asks taxpayers to shell out over a trillion dollars.
One of the most highly anticipated attractions in Disney's upcoming new waterpark, Waterboarding is a new wave pool where young and old alike can grab a surfboard (that is shaped like the body of an Abu Ghraib prisoner, of course) and hang ten! Think it's torture? Only if you consider surfing on some of the gnarliest waves ever created to be torture! Surf's up, America!
3. “Shock and Awe”
A photo opportunity/meet-and-greet with one of Disney's most famous characters: Goofy. Unfortunately, when the photographer snaps the image the flash from the camera causes Goofy to have a horrible flashback to when he served in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Goofy flips out, punches you in the face, and runs screaming through the park.
Not a ride but rather a new exclusive restaurant in Disneyland, WMDs (or “Where Mickey Dines”) is only for the most rich, elite and famous of parkgoers. Unlike Club 33, membership to WMDs doesn't involve a long waiting list or even an annual fee. There is, however, a catch: members have to find the secret restaurant, which everyone knows is an entirely futile endeavor.
1. “TSA Pat-Down”
Short for “Tigger's Super Awesome Pat-Down,” this attraction starts out like any one of the park's other dark rides: Riders board a buggy and begin their adventure through an airport at night. But halfway through the ride the buggy stops in front of Tigger, who asks riders to disembark. Then he asks you to take off your shoes. Then your shirt. Then your pants. After exposing your underwear-clad body to high doses of radiation, Tigger proceeds to pat down those areas that your parents said only you (and people you find highly attractive) should ever touch. Violated and broken, passengers once again board the buggy and finish out the ride with clenched teeth and fits of crying.