Diary of a Mad County

MONDAY, March 10: Proving you don't have to be smart to be right, a group of complete idiots, apparently protesting a war with Iraq, rip up a memorial for the victims of Sept. 11 erected along Whittier Boulevard in La Habra. They destroy 87 flags and smash 11 memorial tiles made by children. Who's advising you people—Susan Estrich? Don't you see you've just stepped right into the other side's trap? The Right loves dopes like you, the same way the Left rejoices whenever Pat Robertson opens his mouth—or George W. Bush breaths through his. Once again, you've allowed the hawks to claim that those against the war are in fact against America. You cede to them the patriotic high ground, allowing them to Bogart the flag, when, in fact, the American flag belongs to those who dissent—was born of dissent. Next time you want to protest the war, wrap yourself in the flag, wave it, salute it, recite Washington's Farewell address, Jefferson's thoughts on being wary of the government, and Eisenhower's warnings of the dangers of the military-industrial complex. I don't know, that might give you a better shot than destroying children's artwork inspired by dead innocents. . . . Surveys show that gas prices in Orange County average $2.11 as compared to $2.09 in LA. Tell me about it. On my way to work, I spent 33 bucks filling up. And I was riding a bicycle. . . . Orange County's own Righteous Brothers are inducted into the meaningless Rock and Roll Hall of Fame alongside Elvis Costello, The Clash and The Police and perfectly sum up the evening with a show-stopping rendition of “One of These Things Is Not Like the Others.”



March 11: 'N Justin for all

TUESDAY, March 11: Proving that the Left may be stupid but the Right is dangerous, the Santa Cruz Public Librarywarns members “under the federal USA Patriot Act, records of the books and other material you borrow from this library may be obtained by federal agents.” Scads of middle-aged men scramble to explain why they checked out Just Justin: Get With 'NSync's Total Babe! A Scrumptious Scrapbook. . . . Quiksilver announces it will now be available in China. In a related move, Ocean Pacificannounces that it has been available in the U.S. for some time now. . . . Garden Grove announces it will fly the flag of South Vietnam at city events to honor the heritage of many of its residents. In a related move, former KKK playground Anaheim announces it will begin flying the state flag of Mississippi.

WEDNESDAY, March 12: Proving that saints do walk among us—albeit deliberately—Mary McAnenacelebrates her 100th birthday. Mary of Orange has fed and cared for the homeless for the past 20 years, starting at the spry age of 81. Most days, she's up at 4 a.m. and at Holy Family Church by 8, feeding people until 1 p.m., pushing a walker . . . So, what you do today, sport? . . . Newspapers across the country feature cheesecake shots of a giant mushroom cloud caused by the 21,000-pound MOAB bomb tested in Florida. Military officials dub the MOAB “mother of all bombs.” No, that was Swept Away. The dropping of MOAB sparks angry protests that it was only “tested” on Florida. . . . Okay, that was just me. . . . As scripted, people descend on La Habra to rebuild the Sept. 11 memorial and denounce anti-war folks as unpatriotic, flag-burning America haters. Way to go, fella. That was Woody Guthrie's flag you burned. And Emma Goldman's and Eugene V. Debs' and Mary McAnena's.

THURSDAY, March 13: County Librarian John Adams (“County librarian—sounds like I ride around on a mule, distributing books, doesn't it?”) says his agency has no plans to warn local members as Santa Cruz did because local library members “have always been subject to that kind of exposure.” Adams said if law enforcement could convince a judge it was critical to find out if a suspect checked out a copy of Super Fudge, the judge could order that information released. The only difference now, Adams says, is the Patriot Act makes it “much easier.” So, beware all locals who've checked out suspicious material, you know, like the Koran or U.S. Constitution. I asked Adams if threats to freedom like the Patriot Act and Laura Schlessinger have made this the most difficult time to be a librarian? He said that things haven't changed that much in his 30 years in the biz. “There's always somebody who thinks they know better what you should be reading.” Frigging Oprah.

FRIDAY, March 14: A group of Vietnam veterans starts 12-hour watches—from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.—at the Sept. 11 memorial in La Habra. . . . Radio's Wiley Drake ShowWiley Drake has a show?—announces it will follow Congress' lead and offer free advertising to any restaurant that changes their menu items to freedom fries and freedom toast. Do you see what's happening here? For years, people like me have been performing quality French-bashing, asking for nothing in return and receiving it in droves. Now, geeks like this, whose idea of humor is to substitute one F-word for another, all of a sudden think they're Mort Sahl. These are the same dorks who corner you to tell you the latest Polak/dumb blonde/dead lawyer/buggering priest joke. This is when the horror of war really hits home. . . . Front-page LA Times story dealing with Bush's attempt to form an Iraq coalition is headlined “Bush Decides a Majority Is Worth the Wait.” Hope he has more success with that than the 2000 election, in which he still trails by 537,179 votes. (Oh, MOAB, where were you two and half years ago?)

SATURDAY-SUNDAY, March 15-16: Did you know that if 537,179 people settled in one place, they would form the nation's 27th largest city, larger than Portland (529,121) or New Orleans(484,674)? Granted, it wouldn't be larger than Washington, D.C. (572,059)—well, not until the Supreme Court said it was. . . . Let it go; let it go. Let's chill and read the paper. Hmmm, this looks like a diverting piece in the Times. An amusing take that suggests French kisses should be known as “liberty lip locks,” French doors as “patriot portals” and French maid outfits as—aw, gawdamn it! Where is Mort Sahl? Mort, call me.

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