Diary of a Mad County

Photo by James BunoanMONDAY, April 21: Just got back from the islands (Maui, mahalo), so help me out here: when I left, the greatest threats to our freedom were Iraq and the Dixie Chicks. I get back, and it's Syria and Scott Peterson. Did I miss a meeting?

TUESDAY, April 22: Sadly, the letters in The Orange County Register just aren't as goofy they used to be. There was a day, not that long ago actually, when you could always depend on Reggie readers to defend slavery or the Waffen SS. But now most of the letters are relatively thoughtful and somewhat intelligent considering most of the writers attended public schools. Still, we should be grateful to the Reggie's headline writers who've stepped it up a notch to keep us entertained. Two ripping efforts today. First, the very To Serve Man-sounding “Planting Veggie Seed In Young,” which runs above a story about preschoolers going to a farm but sounds like the kids were impregnated by leafy-based life forms. The other, “Flags Filched at City Hall,” is just plain disgusting. I mean filching a flag? That sucks. Really, I mean, aren't there laws against that? Rick Santorum? Richard Gere? I don't even know how someone goes about filching a flag. I mean, where do you, you know, stick it? Either way, this is the last straw. I mean to filch—wha?—with an E? Well, shut my mouth. I feel like an ass. . . . Newt Gingrich, whose only taste of combat was walking into his dying wife's hospital room to ask for a divorce, accuses Colin Powell of everything short of filching as he infers that Powell is a pussy, coward and traitor in his Carter-esque attempt to broker a Mideast peace deal. Gingrich favors a more Kill Lots of Women and Children and Then Blame It on the Victims Program, which distinguishes the Ike Turnerschool of conflict resolution. . . . I guess everyone was too upset about Costa Mesa's Kona Lanes going to the Big Gutter Ball in the Sky to notice that another local bastion of Googie architecture—Stanton's Southern Hills Golfland miniature course—has been scraped. Goodbye, three-headed dragons; we'll never forget you. We already have. . . . Lakers lose by 28 to Kevin Garnett and the cast (Troy, Wallyand Flip) of a gay porn film.

WEDNESDAY, April 23: Nationally recognized fire-ant expert Richard Bowen is fired from his post at, of all places, the Orange County Fire Ant Authority (OCFAA). The OCFAA claims Bowen's firing was to correct cost-related “inefficiencies,” but others, namely Newt Gingrich, blame Colin Powell and immediately demand that fire ants be used to interrogate suspected terrorists and/or any of his dying ex-wives. . . . David Nguyen, known as the 20K Bandit because he demanded $20,000 during a bank robbery, is sentenced to 70 months in jail, leading most courtroom observers to decry the paucity of good criminal nicknames. C'mon, people, where are the Machine Gun Kellys and Pointy Stick Rosensweigs of my youth? We haven't had a decent criminal nickname in this country since Special Prosecutor Starr. . . . About 800 people marched through Irvine for what the Service Employees International Union (SEIU) called its D.C. to OC Day of Action. There were similar marches in Washington, D.C.; San Jose; and a few other cities. The union is trying to get family-health-care coverage for about 2,000 unionized janitors in OC. The union says it would cost building owners only 2 cents per square foot to make that happen. What next? Weekends off? . . . The Dixie Chicks, whose critical comments about President George W. Bush have severely hurt their celebrity standing, appear nude on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. . . . Now Deep Throat, there was a nickname. And today, some meddling kids at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign—oooh, that must get you crazy laid—claim they know who the famous Nixon informant is. That's right: as I've been saying for years, it's Miss Stella Stevens. Wait, no, Fred Fielding. The kids claim only Fielding, a first assistant to John Dean during the Nixon administration, checks out. Fielding, of course, went on to serve as Ronald Reagan's chief counsel and as a member of the Bush-Cheney transition team and is well-known in Washington circles for his great love of giving terrific oral sex.

THURSDAY, April 24: The Mighty Ducks win an epic five-overtime playoff game against the Dallas Stars in the second round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Great, yes, but am I the only one who fears for the safety of white-hot goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere, who has faced more slapshots lately than Jenna Jameson? Hey, hey! . . . The Dixie Chicks, who have been blacklisted and become all but invisible, appear on network TV, talking to Diane Sawyer about the same stuff they talked about in Entertainment Weekly, namely that their comments have caused them to all but disappear save for the network shows and national magazines and their upcoming national tour. After the interview, media experts agree Diane Sawyer is a tool. . . . Joy! Spoke too soon about the Reggie's letters section. Not one, but two letters make clear the Jews did kill us. The letters go on to assert there is nothing anti-Semitic in saying the Jews killed Jesus, whom they killed, crucified, you know, really brutally, and that though the Jews killed Jesus, who is God—they killed God, these Jews—that doesn't mean we should hate the Jews, you know, just because they put nails through the hands and feet of Jesus, you know, God. . . . Speaking of God, goddamn Lakers.

FRIDAY, April 25: The Dixie Chicks, victims of a far-reaching conspiracy to keep them out of the public eye, are the discussion point of tonight's Crossfire program on CNN. The debate is joined by actor Mike Farrelland former Congressman Bob Dornan but completely misses the point, which is that Bob Dornan's jowls have eaten his neck. Jeez, does this guy have a fat face. And red. Remember thinking what an assface Dornan is. Well . . . The Newport-to-Ensenada yacht race commences. Gentlemen, start your livers.

SATURDAY-SUNDAY, April 26-27: The new Vietnam War Memorial is dedicated Sunday in Little Saigon a few days before the anniversary of the Fall of Saigon. Whether the timing was an issue is not clear; neither is whether it's wise to be making a big fuss about erecting a memorial to the losing side, including flying the flag of the defeated South Vietnamese republic/puppet regime. Word is the memorial was designed by a firm specializing in immortalizing second-place finishers. Their previous designs have included work for Susan Lucci, the Buffalo Bills and George W. Bush.

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