Diary of a Mad County

Wednesday, Oct. 5
Someone remind me. Who do I root for? I got George W. Bush on one side getting his onions roasted over his latest nomination to the Supreme Court, bestest friend Harriet Miers, whose qualifications are that she once ran a gambling operation and has a full set of Matlock collector's series colostomy bags. Critics are assailing Miers as unqualified and Bush as indulging in cronyism, and these are conservative critics. They question Miers' conservative credentials because she's expressed reservations about the use of cat-o'-nine-tails in public schools and, worse, supports the existence of public schools. So do I root for the Christian conservatives torturing Bush or Bush torturing the Christian conservatives? Whose schaden do I take more freude in—preeeetty laaaady! Makes me think of that old line, you know, who would win in a knife fight between George W. Bush and the Christian right? The answer being you, the viewing public. Apparently, Bush isn't up to the scrape because he took to the road and tried to ignore the problem by touting his great success in executing a war in Iraq. He made it clear that U.S. troops won't be leaving the country until we get the job done—whatever that means. He also took a swipe at critics of the war—which includes just about everyone but Harriet Miers—saying, “There's always a temptation in the middle of a long struggle to seek the quiet life.” This from a man who, during Vietnam, joined the Texas Air National Guard and then promptly disappeared—you know, like after Hurricane Katrina. He went on to say that some people wish to “escape the duties and problems of the world”; this from a man who has set the record for most vacation days by a U.S. president.

Thursday, Oct. 6
Assemblyman Chuck DeVore (R-Irvine) announced that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger—sorry, that just always makes me laugh, like saying Secretary of Health and Human Services Gabby Hayes or Supreme Court Justice Harriet Miers—has signed AB 787, making it a misdemeanor for anyone to impersonate a veteran of the U.S. armed forces with the intent to defraud. Police are said to be looking for this man:

Friday, Oct. 7
Someone remind me. Who do I root for? I got Joe Cavallo on one side; you remember Joe, don't you? He was the defense attorney in the Haidl gang-rape trial who seemed to take such glee in publicly denouncing a teenage girl as a slut and a liar and an aspiring porn star. (His words were, of course, damaging to the girl's reputation, but they have put her on a short list of possible Bush circuit court appointments.) Well, Cavallo's been indicted for something and you think, cool, karma. But then the guy indicting him is District Attorney Tony Rackauckas, whose office has been a mlange of conflicts of interest, inaction and questionable dealings . . . wait, I've just learned in a phone conversation that this whole thing gets better. That Cavallo is threatening to spill some big beans about another public servant, SheriffMike “Do Fries Come With That Shake” Carona. It's all in Scott Moxley's story in The County section. You should read it, but apparently Cavallo is saying that Carona is some kind of sexaholic—that's right, he's addicted to sexahol—and apparently the sheriff and his buds are all getting laid and so is some busty Russian, though I don't think it's necessarily Boris Yeltsin.

Saturday, Oct. 8
Took my kids to the Green Day concert. Man, there are a whole lot of pissed-off 12-year-olds.

Sunday, Oct. 9
“Whatcha think of the sermon?” “It was okay . . . could have done without the gay-bashing.”

Monday, Oct. 10
Five to three, now go make us a sandwich.

Tuesday, Oct. 11
I usually never have anything to say about country music because it's lame and stupid and boring and smarmy and revels in its ignorance and is most likely what will be playing at the scene of a hatecrime/I Support the President rally. But I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the fine folks at country station KZLA for finally coming out and honoring country's gay roots. Every day that I drive to work, I pass a billboard for KZLA with some really great-looking guy on it sporting six-pack abs and a come-hither look that looks like it was lifted right off the cover of International Male. Anyone who's paid attention knows that country music's gay pedigree runs deep, whether it's the love of thick mustaches, the obsession with the military or the use of comically ironic stagenames such as George Strait. Good one. You know, long before there was glam rock, country dudes were hair-spraying like Joan Crawford and dressing in pastels and neckerchiefs. I know this because, growing up in the '60s, I had a babysitter from Texas who forced me to watch Hee Haw. After seeing one guy after another in tight-fitting mint-green slacks, sequined jackets or studded vests, I'd beg her to let me watch something a little more butch, you know, like Liberace or William Buckley. Anyway, I just wanted to say I salute you, KZLA; you're gayer than Toby Keith's manicured facial hair, and that's very gay. Saaaaluuuute!


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