Diary of a Mad County

Wednesday, May 3
The Minutemen, those irrepressible funsters who spread sunshine wherever they invade, are in South-Central Los Angeles today, where their message of exclusion, fear and pride in the red, white and blue—though mostly white—really resonates with locals. “The Minutemen is a white, racist . . . group, and they need to get out of my community,” gushes one supporter through a bullhorn. Feeling the love, head Minuteman Jim Gilchrist reciprocates with his own Valentine, telling supporters, “Stand your ground!” And, “Do not fire unless fired upon, and if it's war he wants, then let it begin here.” Geez, get a room. Turns out, the guy on the bullhorn was not happy about the Minutemen being in South-Central. In fact, it's his contention the only reason the Minutemen were there was to get a little pub for the nationwide caravan they were embarking on to draw attention to the negative effects of illegal immigration that has left them so devastated they have the time and treasure to go on a nationwide caravan with stops in 12 other cities, Phoenix being next on the schedule. Gilchrist says his organization chose to start the road trip in South-Central because “unemployment in the black community is double that of white Americans. They are the most harmed by illegal immigration, and it's time we focused our efforts in our inner cities, where help is needed most.” Indeed, the welfare of African-Americans has always been of primary importance to Gilchrist, from Aliso Viejo, and his supporters, who hail from such melting pots as Simi Valley and WhiteyMcWhiteville. That is, unless people in the African-American community are actually on welfare, and then they're worse than Mexicans.

Thursday, May 4
I dunno.

Friday, May 5
Happy Cinco de Mayo . . . or is it? Two crazy kids in Mission Viejo would like to take that ultimate step in their relationship—no, not a threeway: they wish to pledge their love and lives to each other with the kind of commitment that honor and validates life. 'Cept they're two dudes, so it's completely disgusting and horrible and offends God and threatens to destroy the institution that was meant solely for heterosexuals, polygamists and Jennifer Lopez. Well, that Mission Viejo couple, Arthur Smelt and Christopher Hammer, received an answer today for the federal lawsuit seeking to overturn California and the federal government's rules barring same-sex marriages. A three-judge panel of the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals tells the couple they have no legal standing to sue over the federal rules because the couple hasn't attempted to acquire any federal benefits of marriage like filing a tax return. Of course, they can't file a joint tax return because they can't get married. And they can't get married because they can't file a joint tax return. The couple's attorney, Richard Gilbert, his head spinning, said, “We're at a complete loss. The court is saying they think you need to be married to seek the right to be married. We don't understand the logic of that finding.” But court watchers say the decision is perfectly in keeping with the court's other decisions, most notably, I.M. Rubber v. U.R. Glue and Youssarian v. U.S. Air Force.

Saturday, May 6
Driving to watch my daughter's triumphant performance in Return to the Forbidden Planet with my son, the two of us belting out the chorus to “All the Young Dudes” as we motor along the coast. There are moments.

Sunday, May 7
It's the Clippers, right?

Monday, May 8
Hey, have you been on that new ride yet? You know, the one on the 22 Freeway between Euclid and Brookhurst? You know, the one where you're hurtling down the freeway at about 70 mph, and then all of a sudden and with no warning, save for a postage-stamp-sized metal sign with a squiggle on it that looks like a tapeworm, you encounter a hardcore S-curve that forces you to make two 45-degree turns in rapid succession, without benefit of properly painted lane lines, as if you were avoiding terrorists and/or Lindsay Lohan. I just went on it again this morning on my way to work, and wow, what a thrill! My penis is still inside me. I'd like to thank the folks at Cal Trans for taking time out of their day of not doing any discernible work to create these interesting courses that makes driving more challenging and well-worth the inevitable fiery crash/prom tragedy/special ed bus calamity. In fact, I almost witnessed a crash this morning as some guy driving one of those Rent-a-RVs nearly went sidewise, then over when he came upon the curve. The guy was seriously traumatized since he slowed down to about 30 after the fun curve—the Furve. As I passed him, I noticed that most of the blood had drained from his face—dude looked whiter than Jim Gilchrist in South-Central.

Tuesday, May 9
Congratulations to the American Broadcasting Company, which some of you may know as ABC and others as that network that'll put on crap even Fox wouldn't touch, and Fox put on Alien Autopsy and Brit Hume. Well, today and yesterday, ABC has distinguished itself in a crowded field to become the most pathetic channel on TV as it airs, on successive nights, David Blaine Drowned Alive and tonight's Fatal Contact, which I thought was a show about dating Tommy Lee but turned out to be a TV movie about bird flu. Just when it appeared that ABC, of According to Jim and Pimp My Wifefame, was no longer a total piece of dreck because of shows like Lost and, well, Lost, they pull off this double play. Blaine, who makes up for his complete lack of personality with being completely self-absorbed and boring—always an attractive coupling—set out to break the world record for holding your breath, which, I believe, was held by my best friend, Ronnie Thomas, when he held his breath for 18 Oklahoma's at Birdie Horton's pool, a record even more impressive when you consider I may or may not have been urinating as I counted. Blaine claimed he'd break the world record if he held his breath for nine minutes; he lasted seven. Not that there's anything wrong with a guy who can only last seven minutes. I have it on very good authority that seven minutes is completely normal. Totally and completely. And manly. Anyway, tonight, ABC comes back with its bird flu, which radio ads this morning try to convince us is a very real problem as they cite a story in USA Today that cites “officials” as saying this is a very real problem. Well, if officials are saying it, it must be true. Yes, what we need at times of great crisis is television feeding us a lot of hysteria and misinformation. Worked for Iraq.


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