Deconstructing Scientology's Press Release on its OC Center's Grand Opening, and Possible Found Footage of Genuine Spies in Orange County!

Scientology didn't invite the Weekly to the grand opening Saturday of its Ideal Org at the former Santa Ana Performing Arts and Event Center, which was SanTana's Masonic Hall back when non-hipster gabachos actually lived in the city.

But who needs to get inside an event when those hosting it send you a press release to give you all the happy details on what went down? Thanks to the fine folks in Scientology, the Weekly has learned everything there is to know about the big shindig at 505 N. Sycamore St.


First, there were thousands of Scientologists in attendance. How many thousands? Who cares! There were thousands! (We estimate about a thousand, if that–and nearly all of them were shipped in from the mothership on big ol' buses about as big as those DC-10 LRH said Xenu packed those poor, blown-up aliens in).

Second, the church has faithfully restored the iconic building, including the third-floor ballroom, which it says “once again stands as a gathering place for the community, serving as the grand Chapel and auditorium venue for parishioners and people of all faiths in Orange County.” 
That includes you, white separatists of the Creativity Movement! And you, followers of Ivo A. Benda! And you, afterbirth-burying practitioners of Nuwaubianism
Finally, we heard from David Miscavige, the church's leader, on the significance of an Ideal Org right here in our fair county: 
“We come to the first momentous page of this Church's new history. Needless to say, it's not a tide of history on which one merrily floats…” Miscavige said, according to the press release.
It was Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard who merrily floated on a personal armada in the 1960s, dubbing himself “Commodore” as he lorded over the first elite members of the church who would become part of the Sea Organization, a group of folks who must sign billion-year contracts with the group and subject themselves to toiling for peanuts and the threat of severe punishment for bucking authority. 
“On the contrary, it must be a history unlike any ever told before…” Miscavige said, according to the press release. 
That's going to be tough to do. Here is a story I once heard: Xenu, the head of the Galactic Confederation, made up of 76 planets tens of millions of years ago, fixed overpopulation on each planet by paralyzing billions of people in the galaxy and piling them on Teegeeack, what we now call Earth. He then used H-bombs to destroy their bodies. The souls survived. 
“a history of supreme competence…” 
Still awaiting the renewal of
“great passion and perfect adherence to our Technology.” 
“For only in that way will we ever achieve the Aims of Scientology and thus a world without war, without insanity, without criminality; a world of which we can be proud, where the able can prosper, where honest beings have rights and all are free to rise to greater heights. That is our responsibility as Scientologists–and, yes, it's one that we proudly embrace.”
Without insanity. Without criminality. Proudly embraced. 

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