I’m your new neighbor—nice to meet you. You’re cool, but can I ask for a favor? Can you masturbate to a different song? Every morning, I hear your AutoTuned bullshit, and I’m sorry, but it doesn’t mask your vibrator or your moans. I wouldn’t mind as much if you were bumping Jodeci or Barry White, but that song you got—girl, no.
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to firstname.lastname@example.org.