By: Damian Bloor
Creed singer Scott Stapp is reportedly broke, homeless and posting videos online claiming his royalties were stolen by shadowy managers and ex-wives. In other words: Relapse.
In the spirit of the holidays, we have decided to give Stapp a hand up and restore him to the ranks of the housed (if not the sane). Today, we scoured the Miami housing ads on craigslist to find Stapp a place befitting his accomplishments as America's premiere Eddie Vedder impersonator for the years 1999 to 2003. Although his contributions to shallow, religiously-themed stadium rock are now a fading memory, we believe Stapp has more to offer the music industry. With his naturally broad shoulders, he could be an exceptional roadie. In getting him housed, we hope to see that happen.
1. Casa De Storage
This winning unit located in charming Hallandale, FL features a garage and spacious driveway. Along with shelter, this apartment offers Stapp a place to park his car and practice his guitar playing and 4-track recording skills. Before any of you Creed fans open up your wallets, we should amend our earlier statement. This apartment does not actually "include" a garage, nor is it an apartment, per se. It is simply a garage, but it falls within Stapp's price range at $184/month. We left the owner a voicemail about whether the garage has a toilet or plumbing of any kind and he said, "Arby's down the street," then hung up. Good enough.
2. Bargain Bed and Breakfast
Every now and then, it's good to revisit your past and do the things you did as a younger person. We read that in a self-help book once. If such advice is good enough for us, then it will surely benefit the guy who sang "With Arms Wide Open." We therefore recommend Stapp make a return to collegiate, communal living via the Bridge hostels located in East Ft. Lauderdale. Along with the chance to befriend tourists from all over the world, the multi-bed dormitory rooms are a steal at $30 per day or $165 a week. Amenities include a jacuzzi and free poolside breakfast. Best of all, the other guests in the ad totally look like Creed fans!
3. SBF Love Shack
For the best value, Stapp can negotiate a bunk with the attractive Ft. Lauderdale gentleman who is offering "free rent to SBF" in this ad. Although Stapp isn't exactly an SBF (single black female), he is reasonably slender, as requested, and like the poster has an interest in automobiles. Since Stapp is at heart a creative individual, we are confident that he will improvise his way around the qualifications he lacks.
4. Liquor Store Loft
For some reason, this liquor store appeared in the search results for rental housing at $250 per month. We don't speak Spanish but we imagine that for such a low price, the tenant gets only a bare mattress in the stockroom and has to work as the night watchman. Upside: Liquor stores are required by Florida law to provide employees with restrooms, so unlike the garage in Hallandale, Stapp will at least have indoor plumbing. Plus, should the bathroom walls be tiled, it will provide Stapp an excellent source of natural reverb for his morning vocal exercises.
5. A Ten Hut
We could be glib and recommend soggy old Stapp move into the nearest rehab clinic, but those places are expensive and require a little bit of humility. As a guy who spread his arms Christ-like in his music videos, Stapp is unlikely to accept that he is powerless to fight his addictions anytime soon. That's why we recommend the Miami-Dade County Department of Correction's Boot Camp, where through highly-structured drills and athletics, Stapp can learn healthy coping skills and gain an awareness of his problem behaviors. The program offers food and lodging to participants, is free of charge, and best of all for us, will keep Stapp far away from his webcam and Tumblr page for the next 3 months.