New Orleans update: It's hard to tell what residents of the Big Easy are more confused about these days—the progress of Saints running back Ricky Williams or the relationship of the Real World New Orleans' Julie and Jamie. Are they really meant for each other, or are they just fooling around? My friend thinks it's just fooling around, but he's a slut. I think they both want something more because Jamie, a total partier, has said he's drawn to Julie because of her spirituality. This was best exhibited when the two of them, in the grandest Paulist tradition, mud-wrestled for Jamie's eternal soul. Then the two had a deep and frank discussion about whether Jamie is a good kisser. I mean, it's like MTV is staging the Confessions of St. Augustine.

Arizona update: Residents of the Big Misery have questions of their own. Questions such as “Who thought it was a good idea to move to Arizona?” and “What are you supposed to do if your genitals stick to the car seat? I always forget.”

Battle tested: Contrary to popular images, not everything about New Orleans has to do with partying. The city has a long military history—most famously the Battle of New Orleans, in which Andrew Jackson won a smashing victory against the British, even though the War of 1812 had already ended. Andrew, of course, didn't know the war was over and was soooo embarrassed when he found out. My friend says such an occurrence was inevitable, given the primitive methods of communication at the time, but he's a slut. I think one of Andrew's colonels—probably Mark, the really cute, stuck-up one—didn't tell him about the war being over because he was jealous that Jean Laffite had decided to give Andrew the special “Dead Frenchman's Ear” pendant.

More Arizona questions: “What are you wearing to the Brothers of Blood-Soaked Armageddon Howdy Dance?” and “A divorce? Okay, but who gets the bunker?” and “Hey, where'd you get the Dead Frenchman's Ear?”

Consensus: Arizona? Get real. Go Saints!

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