![Oink! [Hey, You!]](https://www.ocweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/hey-you-Twenty-Pigs-credit-Bob-Aul-348x180.jpg)
Wearing an Army cap, but long AWOL on diet and fitness, you are the overweight, puffy, out-of-shape heart attack in waiting. I am sitting across the aisle from you with a plateful of morbid fascination as you contentedly shovel sliced franks with mustard over Sloppy Joes, pieces of bacon and corned beef hash into your […]
Hey You
![Lizard Hair [Hey, You!]](https://www.ocweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/hey-you-Lizzard-Hair-credit-Bob-Aul-348x180.jpg)
Lizard Hair [Hey, You!]
You were the lady with the Amy Winehouse bouffant driving a midnight-blue Rambler Classic down Coast Highway near Don the Beachcomber. I caught up next to you to see if you had thick eyeliner that disappeared into your black hair, and that’s when I saw it. A lizard was perched atop your magnificent ’do. Wonders never […]
![Finger Pointer [Hey, You!]](https://www.ocweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/hey-you-on-the-way-to-work-credit-Bob-Aul-348x180.jpg)
Finger Pointer [Hey, You!]
You were the driver with eyeglasses, black hair and a backward black ballcap featuring a bird-crap-shaped silver logo. A silver Acura began to drift into your lane—yes, that was fucked-up—and you totally overreacted. After that driver course corrected, you stepped on the gas, changed lanes to position your white Honda Accord in front of the […]
![House Invader [Hey, You!]](https://www.ocweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/hey-you-shoe-lizzard-credit-Bob-Aul-348x180.jpg)
House Invader [Hey, You!]
You are the alligator lizard who came into my house! I adore all lizards, except your kind because your tail is basically a snake. You are 18 inches long—half of it tail. So gross. I tried to show you the door, but you disappeared under the couch. My friend said to get a cricket for […]
![Driving Takes Its Toll [Hey, You!]](https://www.ocweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/hey-you-toll-road-credit-Bob-Aul-1-348x180.jpg)
Driving Takes Its Toll [Hey, You!]
So I’m driving home, taking the 405 south to the 73, but I get off at MacArthur. That’s two exits before the toll begins. But I spaced out big-time and instead exited at Newport Coast. This mistake cost $3.43. I paid it two days later, well within the five-day period. Ten days later, I get […]
![Snooty Shopper [Hey, You!]](https://www.ocweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/hey-you-rhinopretium-credit-bob-aul-348x180.jpg)
Snooty Shopper [Hey, You!]
You are the customer who came into the small shop I work at and deliberately turned away when I said, “Hello.” There’s no hard sell, lady; I was just acknowledging your presence. Then you walked around with your nose in the air just like the cliché you are. You heaved a huge sigh, then yelled […]
![Tesla Jesus [Hey, You!]](https://www.ocweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/hey-you-Tesla-Jesus-credit-Bob-Aul-348x180-1519407787.jpg)
Tesla Jesus [Hey, You!]
You drive a brand-new Tesla; I drive a beat-up Nissan. I opened my door and left a big scratch on your Tesla. “You hit my Tesla,” you growled. I mumbled a sorry and ran into a store. Then I thought about it: You’d probably call your insurance and find out I have none. So I […]