NINETEEN NAMES OF 72 STATUES IN THE LITTLE SAIGON CULTURAL COURT
1. Ch'in Hua Li
2. Jan Ch'iu 3. Jan Keng 4. Jan Yung 5. Mencius 6. Min Tzu-ch'ien 7. Soon Mo Tzu 8. Tzu-chang 9. Tzu-ch'in 10. Tzu-hsia 11. Tzu-kung 12. Tseng-tzu 13. Tzu-yu 14. Tsai Yu 15. Xun Zi 16. Yen Cho-chu 17. Yen Hui 18. Yen Yu 19. Yu Jo Little Saigon Cultural Court, 9225 Bolsa Ave., Westminster, (714) 891-2212. FIVE LOCAL RADIO SHOWS THAT ARE BETTER THAN STEALING MUSIC OFF THE INTERNET 1. The Cinema Subway with DJ DVD. Out of a murky history possibly involving former OC Weekly lesbians blossomed Cinema Subway, a proudly esoteric KUCI radio show dedicated to showcasing soundtracks from TV and the movies—an admirably obscure objective, if you dig past “Hawaii 5-0” and “Mission Impossible.” Which they do—we just heard the theme from Captain Scarlet! It's less a novelty gag than a re-imagining of history, since Hollywood—and not just Hollywood—had a formidable roster of talented composers who never got the careers they could have. And then can we talk about the lost library music of the '60s? We love you guys. Runners-up would be Dialed In on Sunday afternoons (the good old/new indie rock that got college radio started), Howdylicious! (Wanda's Sunday-night country jamboroo), and either of the daytime reggae shows (Uptown Top Ranking and Firehouse Rock, who were playing Jackie Mittoo just now!). Requests: Vic Mizzy's Green Acres theme, anything from Easy Tempo Vol. 1, anything from Stereo Ultra Vol. 3, anything by Lesiman. KUCI-FM 88.9. Every Wed., 3-5 p.m. 2. Soul Jazz with Payal Kumar. She's got a weakness for sorta-novelty funk/soul/flavor-of-the-playlist tracks, but she's also got an overriding weakness for heavy funk, killer instrumentals, offbeat world-ish songs that make you think deep bass is the real international language, and simple classics that sound good during this Saturday-night sweet spot. We like the second weakness, and the first probably pays the pledge-drive bills. Requests: something from Ethiopiques Vol. 9, the Emperors, Marie Adams or Ike N Tina from the Sue/Minit years. KKJZ-FM 88.1. Every Sat., 9 p.m.-midnight. 3. Harmony In My Head with Henry Rollins. The Neck hangs out in Santa Monica to tape this Indie 103 show, but he also plays insane shit, from the Electric Eels and the Moving Sidewalks to demo tapes he bought with his first paychecks at a D.C. Baskin Robbins in 1978 or '79. Steve Jones will just make your mom and dad laugh and then sigh and then probably slime it up on the family couch with their own Kiss records out. And while everyone else was listening to Cheap Trick, Rollins was honing taste so densely unimpeachable that he'd—we're predicting the future—one day accumulate several honorary degrees in cultural studies. Best show on the station. Requests: Neos; Angel Face; X's “TV Cabaret”; anything off that Monks record you reissued, Henry; actually, some Keith Hudson, if that's cool in the playlist. KDLE/KDLD-FM 103.1. Every Mon., 7-9 p.m. 4. Booby Trap Radio with some pseudonymous dudes. From their spewholes to your scumholes: the seamy side of Long Beach lives in a big mansion and likes rap, heavy shit you could smoke to and cursing a lot, at least until someone told them not to do that so much. So now they just check their AIM lists and go, “Man, I had sex with six of you!” Live guests coming, if they don't get kicked off. Requests: DJ Screw or whichever guy it was that died from Tussin, DJ Assault, Earth or Sleep, “The Passenger,” the Kathy McGinty phone sessions. KLBC; www.klbc.org. Every Mon., 3-5 p.m. 5. Cerritos All-Stars with DJ Kwest. Kwest is the voice of and architect behind Cerritos All-Stars, an Internet-only radio show on which good taste in hip-hop is appreciated and turntable skills are a must. Their two live weekly shows attract armies of online listeners and one or more of their 11 resident DJs, who break up the turntable calisthenics with exclusive interviews. Requests: Lootpack, Snoop Dog, Erykah Badu. www.cerritosallstars.com. Every Mon., 8:30 p.m.-12:30 a.m.; every Fri., 10 a.m.-2 p.m. STRANGEST ITEMS FOR SALE ON TBN'S ONLINE GIFT SHOP 1. Winking at Life. Wink Martindale's tell-all autobiography features a behind-the-scenes look at his years as the host of such game shows as Tic Tac Dough and Trivial Pursuit, as well as his other lesser-known pursuits, like his stint on the children's show Wink Martindale and the Mars Patrol. Includes more than 250 photos! 2. Higher Than I've Ever Been. Spend a quiet night at home with a little wacky tabacky—you know the apostles used it—and this DVD, which presumably features Vern Jackson singing or something. Trip out over such awesomely vague titles as “Higher Than I've Ever Been,” “Consider the Lilies” and “Surely the Presence of the Lord is in This Place.” 3. The Pretender. For the paranoid Jesus freak in you, TBN presents this 39-minute feature film about Keith, a worldly high school guy who starts dating an unsuspecting Christian girl by becoming—dun, dun, dun!—the Pretender. According to TBN, “This film shows how easy it is for anyone to fake being a Christian and will really hit home with youth as they see Keith's plan in action.” Righteous! 4. In His Hands—All Things Grow. Because you know you've been aching for just one more cheap porcelain sculpture for the home. “Lovingly” designed by Karen Germany, this “heartwarming” figurine features two ridiculously oversized hands cupping a small child, and is not lame at all! The novelty might not last long, but there's always In His Hands All Things Grow (Alternative)—for the non-white/”Others” among us. 5. TBN glow-in-the-dark mug. He was the way, the truth and the light—and now he glows in the dark, too! With this thermal mug, you can chug your Jesus juice anywhere, any time, without fear of losing sight of the Savior. Amen! 6. Floating pen. Oh, Lord, why even bother to top TBN's already-perfect description? “You have NEVER had a writing pen like this one! You see, the same invisible power that holds the world together holds your unique TBN pen on NOTHING! Magnetic force is a power that even the smartest rocket scientist cannot explain! Oh, they have theories and formulas and a lot of mumbo jumbo, but Einstein could not have told you exactly HOW a simple magnet can pick up a nail! It is simply the power of God—so don't try to understand it. Your new TBN magnetic pen is a microcosm of the power of God that holds the universe together. Use it as a great conversation starter and witnessing tool to tell others of your faith in the God of the universe.” EGALITARIAN REASONS TO SAVE THE FOX THEATER 1. It was built in 1925. Duh. 2. Jane Reifer, the president of the Fullerton Historic Theatre Foundation, sublet her apartment to us many years ago when she traveled to Europe. We learned how to play guitar to Bob Dylan's Planet Waves during that time and also got turned on to On the Road. It was also the first—and only (we think)—time a woman thought we were gay just because we didn't want to sex her up. 3. A fully restored Fox would be the first legitimate art-house theater in North County maybe ever. The Foundation wants to turn it into a bona fide cinema that will show foreign, independent and classic films. 4. The long-term plan for the Fox is to turn it into a venue for live music, stage plays and community events. All those things are really good, especially community events involving rich people who get tipsy. 5. It would serve as the centerpiece for downtown Fullerton's ongoing renaissance, further solidifying the area as OC's one and only genuinely authentic downtown where you can do stuff. 6. You'd be on the same page as Bob Weide, the executive producer and director of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Weide grew up in Fullerton and has pledged $25,000 to help save the theater. 7. You'd also be on the same page as Tom Hatten. Longtime TV and radio personality Hatten, who hosted the Popeye cartoon shows on KTLA 5 for years and years, is the unofficial celebrity spokesperson for the Save the Fox campaign. Apparently Cal State Fullerton's Kevin Costner and Sunny Hills High's Jackson Browne were unavailable. 8. Mary Pickford was once there. As were Buster Keaton, Douglas Fairbanks, Jayne Mansfield and lots of other movie stars who routinely visited the joint for Hollywood premiere parties. There was probably lots of cocaine, orgies and other assorted decadence inside. Now, only the homeless dudes who periodically camp there are having a good time. www.foxfullerton.org. SHORTEST COMMERCIAL FLIGHTS FROM OC 1. John Wayne Airport (SNA) to LAX. Airline: United. Cost: $97.60 per person, one way. Average flight time: 35 minutes. Connecting flights: none. 2. SNA to Palm Springs. Airline: United. Cost: $142.70. Average flight time: one hour, 20 minutes. Connecting flights: one (at LAX). 3. SNA to Ontario. Airline: United. Cost: $285.70. Average flight time: one hour, 10 minutes. Connecting flights: one (at LAX). FOUR THRIFT STORES WITH THE HERB ALPERT WHIPPED CREAM AND OTHER DELIGHTS LP—AND MORE! 1. Huntington Beach Goodwill. For some reason, this Goodwill tends to have a heavy selection of Christmas records. Let's not connect those socio-psychological dots. Instead, let's flip through until we find Herb Alpert and make a graceful exit. Best score: lemon-yellow button-up short-sleeve from 1960s Korea! 9079 Adams, Huntington Beach, (714) 963-4997. 2. Santa Ana Salvation Army. A big ol' cavern of junk, with 200 couches for your front porch, some of which might even match. Plus, a big, lonely rack of records where gems like A Message From the People's Republic of China await—except we already bought that one, sucker. Still, decent furniture. Best score: The Nipsey Russell Comedy Sampler! 710 S. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 547-3562. 3. The Arc. Actually, they might not even carry records—but they do carry pretty decent record players. We even found matching Pioneer turntables, evidence that someone found out this DJ thing is harder than it looks. Best score: a working beige rotary phone for 99 cents! All over the place; check your local listings. 4. CHOC. The last surviving CHOC (Children's Hospital of Orange County) store in Anaheim since the eastside store went under, but there are still piles of good loot in the back and a whole upstairs for the lonely clothes that no one loved. Plus they have ill-advised new seasonal merchandise like witch hats and singing Christmas wreaths. Good sweater selection. Best score: classy coffee tables we couldn't fit in the car, so go get 'em! 845 N. Euclid St., Anaheim, (714) 991-9134. GUSTAVO ARELLANO'S 14 ELEMENTS OF A PERFECT ORANGE COUNTY DINNER 1. The view at Las Brisas. The food at Las Brisas is vastly overrated and overpriced, but few views on Earth are as spectacular as a sunset glowing over Laguna Beach, and this institution has perhaps the premier spot right next to Heisler Park. 361 Cliff Dr., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-5434. 2. The service at Regina's. Judged on food alone, Regina's is the best South American restaurant in Southern California—subtle Italian-Argentine dishes, three TVs constantly broadcasting soccer matches as if their business license depended on it, and many, many wines. But the restaurant's greatest asset is owner Elías Níquias, a roly-poly man who embodies all that's wonderful in the South American persona—gregarious, respectful and a kiss on each cheek when receiving you for your second meal. 11025 Westminster Ave., Garden Grove, (714) 638-9595. 3. The soup at Ánh Hong. The conclusion of the bò bay mon (seven-course beef dinner) at Ánh Hong in Garden Grove is a small bowl filled with a milky, slightly thick broth. Really doesn't look impressive. But just one sip and the world changes: ground-beef bits hiding in a rice lagoon that's spiked with enough ginger and pepper to cure any malady that may afflict you. 10195 Westminster Ave., Garden Grove, (714) 537-5230. 4. The salad at Win Thai Cuisine. When they're ripe, papaya emits the same stench as a 909 compost heap. But within the confines of the papaya salad at Win Thai Cuisine, papaya approaches the Divine: the fruit is shredded alongside dried shrimp, dusted with chile powder, simultaneously pungent, sour, spicy and sweet. 1151 N. Euclid St., stes. D-E, Anaheim, (714) 778-0940. 5. The appetizer at Kareem's. You've been to too many Green Party soirees where the dining choices consisted of hummus, hummus and hummus. Learn to truly appreciate the chickpea paste at Kareem's, where jovial owners and native Bethlehemers Mike and Nancy Hawari check up on you about every three minutes. Besides frying the finest falafels on the planet, the Hawaris also prepare hummus the way they like it in the Holy Land: chilled with perfect pools of olive oil in the center and enough chile powder sprinkled around to open up the taste buds, but not the sweat glands. Most important, though, are the pine nuts, each containing a dense, gritty sweetness that transcends its puny size, and grilled beef studs that taste like carne asada with its tender char. 1208 S. Brookhurst St., Anaheim, (714) 778-6829. 6. The bread at Ashoka Cuisine. The Kabuli naan is a minor meal masterpiece, stuffed with sweet nuts, raisins and cherry bits that clash with the bread's smoky shell with the intensity of an India-Pakistan cricket match. Stuffed paratha is buttery with steaming mashed potatoes inside and contains enough cholesterol to lower your heart rate about a dozen beats—call it Hindustani soul bread. Just as hearty is the keema naan: puffy with ground lamb, it's greasy and wonderful. 18041 Magnolia St., Fountain Valley, (714) 593-2968; www.ashokacuisineofindia.com. 7. The wine at Hi-Time Wine Cellar. Not sure if there's a restaurant in OC that sells it, but the best wine since the days of Dionysus is Commandaria St. John, an elixir from Cyprus that's reputed to be the oldest vintage in the world. Hi-Time Wine Cellar also stocks nearly every other hooch on the planet. 250 Ogle St., Costa Mesa, (800) 331-3005. 8. The condiment at Papa Hassan's. Papa Hassan's keeps an off-menu item so off-menu that bemused waiters accept the laughably inaccurate name “Lebanese salsa” for it. The zhug (remember that) is a surprisingly furious paste that would leave even the most caliente Mexican drenched, yet it doesn't eradicate the flavor of whatever it's slathered on. 421 N. Glassell St., Orange, (714) 633-3903. 9. The complimentary snack at Noorani Halal Tandoori. Before every meal at Noorani Halal Tandoori, a waiter trots out a tray of chilled cucumbers and onions with an accompanying pepper raita. There's a reason for it: most Pakistani meals are hot. Putting out the fire are those cucumbers and the balm-like raita. And the onions? I never liked onions until I dunked them in that raita; now, I jones for bulbs wicked-bad. 14178 Brookhurst St., Garden Grove, (714) 636-1000. 10. The drink at Nuoc Mía Vien Tây. The best drink in OC is also the least-advertised. The Vietnamese candy shop Nuoc Mía Vien Tây in Garden Grove sells an ambrosial sugar-cane juice profiled in The New York Times and NPR (by me!) and renowned throughout the Vietnamese diaspora yet not within greater OC. Frothy but smooth, the sugar cane's earthy sweetness is tempered with the citric candor of tangerine and kumquat squirts. 14370 Brookhurst St., Garden Grove, (714) 531-9801. 11. The main course at Ferdussi Taste of Persia. Fessenjoon is a thick pomegranate-and-walnut sauce poured over chicken and basmati rice. The chicken is stewed to the point of dissipation, and basmati rice is always a winner, but the key is the fessenjoon sauce: 1,001 different takes on sweet, with pomegranate's almost-bitter sweetness battling with the snappy bite of walnuts for prominence. 3605 S. Bristol St., Ste. D, Santa Ana, (714) 545-9096. 12. The dessert at Egg Rolls, Etc. In addition to the typical garden of sweet beans, figs, mango, pineapple and coconut slices, jelly cubes, condensed milk, and crushed ice that makes the Slurpee-like dessert celebrated among sugar fiends, Egg Rolls, Etc. tops its halo-halo with a lavender scoop of ube-flavored ice cream, a uniquely Filipino taste derived from a buttery yam. They also cram a large slice of flan into the little halo-halo container. 1710 W. Chapman Ave., Orange, (714) 937-0800. 13. The after-meal breath freshener at Chong Ki Wa Tofu. Why is it that almost every Korean restaurant ends a meal with a watermelon-flavored gum? Get yours at Chong Ki Wa Tofu, the county's shrine to the art of soft tofu—pillowy stews with a spice level on a sliding scale from one (white, clear broth) to five (hydrochloric acid). 5238 Beach Blvd., Buena Park, (714) 562-8989. 14. The prices at Bánh Mì Cho Cu. A buck-50—that's the price of your average Little Saigon bánh mì, the foot-long sandwich that's one of the most delicious robberies in the gustatory world. Get held up at Bánh Mì Cho Cu, an assembly-line hole-in-the-wall where the turnaround time between walking in and wondering which sandwich you want to devour (will it be the moist barbecued pork charred to a ruddy crispness? Densely herbed meatballs? A scrambled-egg pillar oozing just enough yolk to liven up your morning?) and walking out with said desire is about three minutes. Dismiss the brusqueness of the staff—you're holding up the line! 14520 Magnolia St., Ste. B, Westminster, (714) 891-3718. Gustavo Arellano is theWeekly's food editor. STEVE LOWERY'S SEVEN BEST THINGS OVERHEARD AT DISNEYLAND 1. “Would you just shut up and start having a good time!” Father to sulking son outside of Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln 2. “I saw the saddest movie last night. These Nazis were being totally mean to these people, and the people weren't even Jewish.” Teenage girl to friend walking away from Disneyland tram. 3. “This is it?” My son upon walking through Disney's California Adventure. 4. “Oh, shut the hell up!” Mother to sulking son outside of the Sephora makeup store in Downtown Disney. 5. “That would never have happened when Walt was alive.” Too many times to catalog. 6. “Is this the one where the guy's head got cut off?” Guy to flummoxed ride attendant working the Matterhorn. 7. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Mother dragging yowling children out of the park as the fireworks show was going on. FIVE SPOTS FOR THE NOVICE SURFER 1. Doheny State Beach. Doheny is only a remnant of its former glory, and only a few glazy-eyed locals with a penchant for the past remember its heyday. Dana Point Harbor and jetty construction more than 30 years ago put a muzzle on the spot's bite, once home to thick rights that could rival Rincon on a good day. Doheny now offers mild softies perfect for lazy afternoons. Its crumbly shoulders and slow pace make it the No. 1 spot to learn how to surf in OC—if you don't mind the pollution, that is. 2. San Onofre. San-O, just south of Trestles and barely outside the county line, is home to a gentle wave that's perfect to paddle out in after a few beers and a game of volleyball on the sand. Almost mushy in places, this break forgives even the worst of us out in the lineup. Long beaches and an absence of animosity from locals make this break one of the finest learning experiences. 3. Newport Point. Newport Point, a.k.a. Blackies, is OC surfing's Jekyl and Hyde. Having lived with a view of the spot for two years, I can attest to its dormancy 99 percent of the year. Longboarders and beginners are often out milking the uncrowded knee- to ankle-high breakers. It's usually a worry-free zone until a freak swell hits out of nowhere. Then you're dealing with California's equivalent to perfect Pipeline—a fast, hollow barrel hiding a shallow, sandy grave. 4. 17th Street, Huntington Beach. Huntington Pier's sensible, less-crowded brother. Wide-open spaces and peaky lines guarantee you some semblance of privacy. Waves will accommodate any type of board, but watch out for tourists and swimmers in the white water. If you need surf wax or good tacos, just tread across PCH and let Surf City's merchants take care of you. 5. Santa Ana River Jetties. This one's a stretch, but the sheer consistency of this spot makes it a must when the rest of OC surf is a pancake. Jetty locals can get nasty, but they don't make too much of a fuss if you keep to yourself. The vast spaces south of the jetty up to 56th Street offer multiple peaks and waves to make an ass of yourself. Find a corner all your own with mild conditions, and your only worry will be the floating turds. SARAH CALLENDER'S SEVEN THINGS SHE'S DONE WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC ON THE 5 FREEWAY 1. Declared my love to an ex-boyfriend. Up way too early and in way too much traffic, I became urgently compelled to call my college boyfriend. Just to see how he was doing—catch up, say hello, find out what he'd been up to the past few years. I didn't expect him to answer, but he did, and before I knew what the hell I was doing, I was crying like a newly dumped 14-year-old, telling him between sobs how much I missed him and that I still loved him soooo much. 2. Read an entire issue of US Weekly. It's really important as a freelance writer to be up on the news. Especially celebrity gossip such as whether or not J-Lo is actually pregnant. I think she is. I mean, have you seen those paparazzi photos of her stomach? She totally is. I don't care what her friggin' publicist says. 3. A few unmentionable-because-my-mom-is-going-to-be-reading-this things with a boy from Northern California. 4. Called everyone in my phone book in alphabetical order to tell them how much I like them. This was great fun until I stopped paying attention and dialed a number I didn't really want to, and that person answered the phone. 5. Fallen asleep. I don't recommend trying this one, though it was an effective means to get rid of a very old, very crappy car I used to have. I found myself with a totaled car, a frustrated minivan driver and a chipped tooth. Then the tow truck took 45 minutes to arrive, and I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. 6. Sang along with an entire Björk album. Great for the ego because her singing style and unintelligible lyrics allowed me to pretend not only that I knew all the lyrics to the album, but also that I have a decent singing voice. Which I do. Seriously. 7. Fund-raising. This could probably go with No. 4 because when I got involved with a charity this summer, I couldn't stop fund-raising, even when it was inappropriate to do so. I did call everyone I knew, though instead of telling them how great they were, I was mercilessly hitting them up for cash. Sarah Callender writes and works in theWeekly advertising department. COFFEES THAT COULD REVIVE THE DEAD 1. IKEA. A cup of the bold Löfbergs Lila or Skånerost, served steaming at all hours in the cafeteria, will keep you alert as you doggedly wade through piles of dragon-shaped scrub brushes. They're also available by the pound, the better to drink while deciphering the instructions to your new dining-room table. But beware: the extra caffeine will most certainly create the overwhelming need to buy many throw pillows. 1475 South Coast Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 444-4532. 2. Christakis Greek Cuisine. After stuffing yourself into a food coma with their stanza-inspiring Greek food and wine, wake up at Christakis with a cup of their Turkish coffee. Served in a tiny cup, this silt-like brew cannot be tempered by any milk or cream known to man. Sip it quickly and let the magic take effect; sit any longer, and you just may order another meal. 13011 Newport Ave., Tustin, (714) 731-1179. 3. Café Casse Croute. It's a French-Canadian eatery, but Café Casse Croute's owners are Vietnamese, and thus offer the mule kick to the chin that is slow-roasted Vietnamese coffee. The process is as formal as it is vicious: you receive a cup with a grounds-filled tin container on top, a container of sweetened condensed milk, a pot of boiling water and a spoon. Put a healthy—healthy—dollop of the dense condensed milk in the bottom of the cup, add hot water slowly to the grounds, and wait for the coffee to drip. When your cup is finally full, stir thoroughly and enjoy the sinful combination of sweetness and bitterness that's oh-so-Vietnamese, and oh-so-good. 656 S. Brookhurst, Anaheim, (714) 774-8013. 4. The Coffee Factory. To get the full range of Vietnamese coffees, though, pull up a table at the Anglo-named Coffee Factory on the edge of Little Saigon. Sip slowly on the ca phé sua nong, which is as black as Larry Agran's heart (and just as shudder-inducing) or some ice-cold ca phé den da, complete with black tapioca pearls. 15582 Brookhurst St., Westminster, (714) 418-0757. STEAMY LOCALES FOR A CLANDESTINE LIAISON 1. Laguna Beach. OC's only public 24-hour spot has been the best place to make like From Here to Eternity for generations of Orange Countians. With winding paths leading from the verdant Heisler Park above the cliffs to the perpetually wet sands below, forests of secluded benches, a lawn-bowling complex begging for a break-in and a nighttime crowd that's there for the same reason you are, Laguna is like a Sierra Club version of a Vivid production set. 2. Mile Square Regional Park. This expanse of walkways and black-hole-dark parking lots remains a relaxing mid-county location for a rendezvous by twilight. Do be careful with the police presence here, though, as Mile Square Park is about the only happening thing in Fountain Valley come 9 p.m. Hint to beat a public-lewdness citation: keep the car windows open a smidgen to avert interior condensation. Dress in jogging shorts. When the cop taps on your window, explain the sweatiness and panting by calmly explaining you and your partner went out for a nighttime run. 3. End of Camino Capistrano, Mission Viejo. Next to railroad tracks and a utility plant, the end of Camino Capistrano is a one-way dead end. But it's far from the maddening crowd, and the roar of the nearby 5 freeway will mask any unorthodox noises you or your paramour may moan/squeak/grunt. 4. Skyline Drive, Fullerton. This long, hilly thoroughfare passes through Fullerton estates where owners have futilely battled horny North County teenagers for decades. Most houses have bushes or Coliseum-large lawns, ensuring that most homeowners will need eagle eyes to determine whether that car parked in front of their abode belongs to the neighbors or the local slut. Hint to beat a public-lewdness citation: do your business in the driver's seat of the car. Although most homeowners will leave you be, some will rush toward your car with broom or bat in hand—but not pencil or paper to jot down your license as you speed off to the next safe spot. 5. Newport Coast Drive. Developers have yet to taint this road with halogen lights, meaning you can pull over in the middle of the San Joaquin Hills and noodle like no other. Hint to beat a public-lewdness citation: No worries—homes are far away, the traffic is minimal at its most choked-up, and the police are too busy cracking down on Balboa Peninsula hotties to care. PLACES TO CRUISE FOR HIPPIES 1. Lurking at the corner of Forest and South Coast Highway, Laguna Beach. Unfortunately, these hippies are only good for kicking. They don't play hackysack; they don't play drums—they just kind of sit on the corner, dirtily. 2. Soka University. If you like your hippies with an extra $80 million per year for tuition, then these are the free-love/Buddhist/touchy-feely kids for you. And with very clean hair! 1 University Dr., Aliso Viejo, (949) 480-4000. 3. BC Space Gallery. Holding down the fort in Laguna Beach since the mid-'70s, BC Space Gallery has ongoing and excellent lefty and rabid political exhibits. No war for oil! The sweet Green ladies who come to the parties here like to bring bowls of lima beans for the potluck. Other than that, it's swell! 235 Forest Ave., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-1880. 4. Trader Joe's. Soy for everyone! 5. Green Party meetings. If you can stand the Ur-democracy of the whole thing—everything is voted on, to the order in which things will be voted, and no one can ever agree—then you will be rewarded with vegetarian chili and organic-blackberry pies. Not to be missed! 6. El-Centro Cultural de Mexico, Santa Ana. This DIY space has all-ages hip-hop dances and seminars on how to be a political punk. It's the sweetest of all the underground gigs, with classes in son jarocho guitar and signs reminding us to respect everyone who walks through the door. Also, they spell “women” with a y. 1522 S. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 953-9305. PLACES TO CRUISE FOR DOUR/UNPLEASANT REPUBLICAN BLONDES, IF YOU LIKE THAT SORT OF THING (AND YOU KNOW YOU DO) 1. Sutton Place Hotel, Newport Beach. It's the ultimate Republican-betty pick-up-joint, seeing as it's where the party has all its election-night parties. Go on up to the Young Republicans' suite. The girls there always look like they smell something bad! And you know what that means! They just need to be boned! 4500 MacArthur Blvd., Newport Beach, (949) 476-2001. 2. OC Weekly's Decadence party. I don't know where we find 'em, but they're definitely a treat! Once, we were making small talk with a woman—you know, in a friendly, party kind of way? She looked at us, brow furrowed, before delivering her coup de grace: “Who do you know?” It's almost as good as, “Do you work with your hands?” (Do not attempt to speak with a woman if you make less than $120,000 per year; your dirty charisma does not work here.) 3. Jewelry-store openings, Fashion Island. There are a lot of these. Lots of people are nice. The women are not. Treat her like a dirty bitch (and buy her a necklace) and she's yours forever—or until you leave her for a better model. Pacific Coast Hwy. N Newport Center Dr., Newport Beach; www.shopfashionisland.com. 4. Orangewood Children's Home benefits. We know: every benefit is an Orangewood benefit. But if you're a woman and you want to be killed with phony kindness—”Oh, I love your dress! Giggle!”—the chicks who plump for Orangewood know how to deliver like an arrow through your heart. If you're a dude, they will trip and claw one another to make you theirs like you're the Bachelor and they're those awful whores. Why? Because they don't have husbands and blowing you might get them one. 5. Lunch at Neiman Marcus' new restaurant Zodiac. Not that we've ever been there. You know. We're poor. But that's what we hear. 601 Newport Center Dr., Newport Beach. 6. St. John Knits fashion shows. Just imagine it's ridiculously hot CEO Kelly Gray as you're trysting with the deadened zombies who show up for these shows in between their pilates classes and tanning sessions while sending Consuela off to pick up the kids. Anyone that self-centered would be a hedonist dynamo in the sack. Also, their lives are empty and meaningless and their husbands don't love them, so they might as well get some strange. 7. Emerging bandaged and black-eyed from Hoag Hospital. Try not to stare, m'kay? 1 Hoag Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 764-4624. PLACES OF TRULY TERRIFYING KNOCKERS 1. All-nude clubs in Stanton. Dirty, dirty girls with bruises on their legs don't usually have the cash for one of those really good, elegant boob jobs. Watch for slippage! 2. The Newport Harbor Christmas Boat Parade. Got a house in Newport Harbor? Then you've got 600 cc's of saline! Are you one of the 13 girls some broker scumbag has invited onto his (undecorated) boat? Then yours are even bigger. Enjoy! But don't think he's gonna call you 'cuz he's not. 3. Daimon, Huntington Beach. Watch out for porn stars! (One fun activity here is to time how long it takes from the time each party is seated before someone makes a clever “tuna” joke. The over/under is seven seconds.) 16232 Pacific Coast Hwy., Huntington Beach, (714) 592-4862. 4. A Taste of Newport. They can't all be strippers. Can they? (949) 729-4400. PLACES FOR THE INSUFFERABLY RUDE 1. Bandera. Overhear a conversation and jovially chime in? Yeah. Really wish you wouldn't do that. Ew! 3201 E. Coast Hwy., Corona del Mar, (949) 673-3524. 2. Continental Lounge. Most places it's the customers who think they can treat people any old way they want. But here it's the bar staff that can be a bit on-edge. Usually jovial, you never know when they're going to begin shouting at you all the way from the bar to your cozy leather banquette. Of course, usually, it's our fault. 115 W. Santa Fe Ave., Fullerton, (714) 526-4529. 3. Canyon Inn. It's always a crap shoot at the wonderful Canyon. A fun, lechy group grope one night can be replaced the next with points and whispers. Preempt this by pointing and whispering first. Then tongue-kiss a stranger. 6821 Fairlynn Blvd., Yorba Linda, (714) 779-0880. 4. Swallow's Inn. A drunk Apache lifts your dress! A Green Beret pokes you in the chest! Some dude smacks his girlfriend on the head! A woman delivers kung-fu kicks to men's heads! If you can get out alive, you'll have had the time of your life. 31786 Camino Capistrano, San Juan Capistrano, (949) 493-3188. 5. Laguna Beach patrol cars. Why are Laguna cops such pricks? It's because they're short!