Okay, smart guy in front of me in the supermarket checkout line. Here we are, Nos. 1 and 2, ready to pay the cashier and get the hell outta here, and YOU decide you need to make a quick run to the produce section to get a bag of apples. Seriously?! “I'll just be a second,” you say as you turn your back to me and whiz off like Tom Cruise in your own sad version of Mission Impossible. Not only do you not have the decency to ask if it's okay before you bolt out of line with your cart still in front of me, but I look in your cart, and you've already got fruit sitting next to the goat cheese and store-brand 7-Up! You're gonna tell me an apple is more beneficial to your health than a grape or a banana or . . . are those tangelos?! Did you really believe that stupid “apple a day” rhyme we were taught in school? Apparently so, because only a delusional moron would totally abandon shopping-market etiquette to make me look like the asshole who is holding up commerce. The rest of the adults in line made their choices and stuck with them, so should you. I'm giving you 15 seconds to get back here: 15 . . . 14 . . . 13 . . . Screw it. Your cart is outta here! Enjoy the self-checkout line.