A Natural Healing Center of Orange County: Queens of the New Age

Welp, the OCeeker just scared the Shirley MacLaine out of a psychic.

He took his seekin' ass down to A Natural Healing Center of Orange County in Costa Mesa on a recent Friday night, to hop into a meditation circle for some energy healing.

Located in an upstairs office in an industrial complex at Grace Lane and Baker Street, the smell of sage wafted through the halls as soft New Age music could be heard upon my entrance to the meditation circle. The cozy little room was lit dimly by an orange lamp in the corner. There was a couch pressed against one wall and a bed (yes, a bed) pushed against another. A couple of blankets draped the furniture, and a small fountain in one corner dribbled. The dying day shared its last rays of light through two stained-glass windows.

The OCeeker was greeted warmly by three women: Jessica, Mary Ann and Kelly. Taking a chair in the circle, the OCeeker let the gals regale him with tales of meditation.

They explained they also do Reiki therapy, in which you lay down and allow a practitioner to place hands on you or hover their hands over you and pull negative energy out of your body and spirit, replacing it with energy that heals physically and spiritually. The practice was developed in the early 1920s by a Japanese Buddhist named Makao Usui.

Jessica said her abilities, which include the psychic kind, come from prayer and God. Before the meditation, we were joined by a guy named Chris, plus a man and woman whose names the OCeeker forgets. (Need to get the memory Reiki-fied!)

The meditation began with a “grounding,” for which we were instructed to imagine the roots of a tree wrapping around our legs and holding us to the ground. We then commenced to holding our chakras—the seven energy centers that supposedly run up our spines.

Aaaaaaaaaand out came the beds. Reiki time!

They pulled the bed from the corner and unfolded a massage table. If they could pull out the bitter sentimentality and leave in the assholic charm, the OCeeker might be down.

Anonyguy hopped on a bed and was tended by Jessica. Kelly hit the massage table, where Mary Ann got ready to Reiki. With Kelly and Anonyguy lying down, Mary Ann and Jessica got busy with the healing, slowly waving their hands over the prone bodies. Think of a bum heating his hands over a 50-gallon drum of trash on fire, add in an occasional wave to send a stinky one away, and you pretty much have the hand jive down.

Great day in China, the OCeeker went next.

Jessica stood next to the bed. She took her time. Peeking once, the OCeeker spotted her moving behind him, and with his lusty brown eyes closed, he could sense her hand over them. She asked the OCeeker if he “felt that.” Welp, if he's in bed and a woman does something worth feeling, he's a'gonna feel it.

“Nome,” I responded.

“You okay?” Jessica asked.

Then shit got crazy.

About 15 minutes later, Jessica pressed the OCeeker's forehead. He opened his eyes, and she was standing to his right, staring at him, with a clear look of concern. Still lying on his back, she asked the OCeeker how he felt.

“Okay. What do you think?”

“Did you feeling something around this part of your head?” she asked, motioning to the right side of my skull.

She explained that she felt some energy there and suggested it may be because of headaches, the kind caused by stress, that the OCeeker has been thinking on shit. Headache, thy name is Woman.

Jessica moved to the other side of the bed, the OCeeker still lying prone in the hushed little room. “That gave me the heebie-jeebies,” she said, then rubbed her arms. “You . . . are a smart man. But you're looking for an answer. . . . I saw a figure around here.” She motioned to the OCeeker's Insanity abs. “I started sweating.”

“Was it difficult?” I asked.

“I was going to get the white crystal,” she said, “but then I just prayed, 'God, help me.'”

Every lady says that when they got the OCeeker in the sack.

“Something started to pinch my shoulders,” Jessica said. She then pulled her outer garment back and asked Kelly to look for marks. She seemed shaken by whatever it was that happened, but not so much that she would not continue to Reikify people. Confident, she relaxed after the OCeeker asked if it was the pomade that caused the problem around his head. Of course, he knew that being in bed and surrounded by women, his macho had worked its mojo and left a lady bedazzled.

He gave the meeting a B for “Beds don't lie: The OCeeker leaves 'em tremblin' again.”


A version of this story appeared on our Navel Gazing blog.

This column appeared in print as “Queens of the New Age: Getting Reikified at A Natural Healing Center of Orange County.”

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