That's Carl's Jr.'s new commercial for
Kate Upton's boobs the Southwest Patty Melt, an 890 calorie pepper-laden, gut-busting wad of regret. Those of you who are familiar with this column are probably aware of my previous dalliances with the Carl's Jr. Loaded Burrito and McDonald's McRib. I regret to inform you that (in the interest of not having a heart attack at age 40, not having the time nor desire to devote an entire day to spritzing and sploorting my skivvies for your amusement, and trying to uphold the integrity of a “diet” that I'm hanging on to by the tiniest of tiny threads) I did not and will not be eating and writing about the Southwest Patty Melt (unless someone wants to start a Kickstarter fund to pay for my quadruple bypass). Instead, I've decided to do a brief play-by-play of this commercial (and some deleted scenes) and show you why, rather than making me hungry or making the front of my pants feel a little funny, it just makes me laugh (and vow never to eat a Southwest Patty Melt).
1) Act I
0:00 – 0:02 – What is this, a commercial for Ruby's? The good old-fashioned retro-style burger joint tha-
0:03 – Is that Kate Upton? I barely recognized her in clothes…she's doing ads for Rub-
0:04 – Gah. Carl's Jr. This bound to get all drippy, gross and porny in 3…2…1…
0:05 – We have liftoff! I guess they don't wrap burgers anymore. They just gently place a perfectly constructed burger inside a bag that's never been closed or handled.
0:06 – 0:07 – Not pictured: Kate unwraps the burger and several greyish withered jalapeños fall on to the car seat, while a stream of Santa Fe sauce (featuring “Grill Flavor”!) and hamburger grease drips down the sleeve of her fuzzy pink sweater.
0:08 – 0:09 – First bite. Isn't this normally the part where the patty shoots out of the back and lands in your lap?
0:10 – Wearing a headband while eating this mess is far too practical. You know what would make this burger great? A MOUTHFUL OF HAIR.
0:11 – 0:13 – Whoa. Straight for the jalapeños. Bold move.
0:14 – SHE'S GOT THE SWEATS. SOMEBODY FIND THIS WOMAN A TOILET.
0:15 – BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS.
2) Act II
0:16 – 0:17 – Nevermind, guys. Call off the troops. She's fine. The sweats have passed. It was probably just the sweater. She's feeling good enough to take another b-
0:18 – Whoa. Is that a another whole burger? Call the troops again. This is gonna get ugly.
0:19 – Logan notices that Melissa has a massive zit on her left cheek.
0:20 – 0:21 – Because everyone eats lying down.
0:22 – 0:23 – Because everyone eats seated on the hood of their car whilst diddling themselves.
0:24 – 0:25 – Because Melissa does not want Logan looking at the massive zit on her left cheek.
0:26 – 0:30 – (in the whispered gravelly voice of the Carl's Jr. voiceover guy) “It's raining piles of gross. Shove a pile into the biggest hole in your face. The Carl's Jr. Southwest Patty Melt.”
3) Epilogue (Deleted Scenes)
0:31 – 0:33 – Kate remains on the hood of the car. Much to her dismay, the sweats have returned. She flounders like a dog in a bathtub as she tries to stay on the hood of the car.
0:34 – 0:36 – Logan has left Melissa, her massive zit, and his car, as he's standing on the hood of a nearby Chevy Malibu masturbating furiously.
0:37 – 0:39 – Kate falls off the hood of the car, simultaneously sharts here dress, and starts crying. She stands up and waddles toward the drive-in's ladies' room.
0:40 – Cut to: This.
0:41 – Cut back to: This.
0:42 – 1:42 – And then this.
1:43 – 1:45 – And again, (in the whispered gravelly voice of the Carl's Jr. voiceover guy) “It's raining piles of gross. Shove a pile into the biggest hole in your face. The Carl's Jr. Southwest Gut Bustin' Patty Pile.”
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