3hree Things: Horrible Lawn Ornaments For Christmas

Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, in which Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.

Now that Thanksgiving weekend has passed, it's officially Christmas season, which, depending on your level of Christmas spirit (and budget), means it's time to break out the lights, the tinsel and the gaudy and glittery kick-knacks in an attempt to tell your friends and neighbors, “LOOK AT ME. I AM INFECTED WITH CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. GAZE IN AWE AT THE AMOUNT OF CHINTZY GARBAGE I'VE AMASSED IN THE NAME OF TRADITION.” It's like bedazzling, but for your house. Bah humbug.

In some neighborhoods, household bedazzlement can become a full-blown pissing contest. Hanging lights from the house is child's play. That single string of lights around the fascia is BULLSHIT. Your neighbor just bought 200,000 lights and mummified his home, covered every living organism on the property from head-to-toe, drew a nativity scene in on the garage door, Santa and his reindeer on the roof, and wrote all the lyrics to “White Christmas” on the front lawn in flashing lights. Think you're going the extra mile by hanging a wreath on the door and sprigs of pine and holly from the bough?


Pfft. Hoping to impress folks by cluttering up every available square
inch of counter space with yuletide figurines, faux fruit and nuts, and
snow globes? Nope. Thought turning your vehicles into reindeer and
hanging fake icicles from the windows in a place that hasn't seen snow
since…um…ever was gonna get it done? No way, slacker. Step your game

Truly accomplished holiday decorators turn to the creepiest,
most overpriced and unnecessary decorative items. Lawn ornaments. More
specifically, inflatable lawn ornaments. Because, what better way to
spread Christmas joy (and impress the pants off of your neighbors) than
with the whirring of a blower and an army of six-foot-tall malformed
holiday ogres in a diorama on your front lawn? 

Whether you're looking to step up your holiday decorating game
or just want to be more aware of the arsenal of inflatable disasters at
your excessively festive neighbors' disposal, this week's 3hree Things
should be of assistance.

6' Animated Air-Blown Christmas Inflatable Santa Coming Out of Outhouse Scene — $79.00

Here we have Santa exiting the world's only outhouse that was designed with the toilet paper roll on the outside. Thus, we can assume that Santa is about shuffle his half-naked ass out of the outhouse with his pants around his ankles and a crack full of butt mud (with all the milk and cookies left for him, he's ingested an awful lot of dairy) so that he can tear off some winter mist-soaked one-ply and perform some paperwork. Santa's not hung like a four-year-old, it's just really cold out here.

Merry Christmas. Here's your one of your kid's most adored fictional characters wiping his ass on your lawn.

User review (sic): “This is so cute! We saw it blown up in the store and about fell over laughing! Of course we had to have it!!

6' Tall Airblown Christmas Inflatable Snow Globe with Santa Sleigh Scene and Sparkle Lights — $99.00

Modeled after a racy photo that Santa accidentally tweeted to the his followers when he meant to direct message Blitzen, this inflatable snow globe depicts old St. Nick in a bit of an S&M situation on a green velvet love seat with Donner in someone's living room back in '09. In true holiday spirit, Santa shows that it's always better to give than receive. Ho, ho, HOLY SHIT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT SNOW GLOBE? Merry Christmas, weirdos.

User review:

Recommends this product? Yes
Age: 55 – 64
Gender: Female
Ownership: 2 – 3 months
Usage: Every day

Every day? It's July, Helen. Get the goddamned snow globe off of your lawn.


5' Tall Singing Dancing Santa — $135.00

All aboard the Whiskey & Public Masturbation Express!

AKA: Hobo Santa in a choo-choo bounce house.

Happy holidays, everyone.

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