Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, in which Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.
You've seen him in Orange County; a forty-something-year-old man, ungracefully dealing with a full-blown midlife crisis, driving a convertible, fake-tanned to a hue between burnt orange and “Snooki,” trolling local upscale watering holes and restaurants for women, slathered in nauseating amounts of fancy cologne and outfitted in some of the most godawful fashion disasters known to mankind.
He's everywhere, or so it seems. You've spotted him, but hopefully you don't know him. But let's imagine for a few moments that you do, and let's pretend — with the holidays upon us — you have to shop for him. What would you buy and why would you buy it?
Trust me, you'd buy these 3hree Things.
1) Ed Hardy Panther Squadron Rhinestone Polo
Casual garb for the man who wants to feel as comfortable drunkenly ogling every female with blonde hair, a pulse and a vagina at Javier's as he does letting his shaft out and putting his balls in holes on the golf course. Thanks to our oversized, distressed rib-cage print that reads “1 World,” when you walk into the room, you let everyone know that you firmly believe in unity. Little do they know the only unification you care about is unifying your genitalia with the woman who allows you to buy her the most drinks.
Let's be honest, when you're the lead dog, the only view most people get of you is from behind. Let 'em know who they're dealing with: a certified member of the Panther Squadron! Say it loud with our cracked graphic printing and jumbo-sized rhinestone-bedazzled black panther flash art. After all, panthers are male cougars, and squadrons are like really cool army gangs, so when you put the two together you're letting everyone at the bar know that they're about to come face to face with a member of an elite group of bro-mandos armed with a flesh rifle and an insatiable appetite for good times.
2) True Religion Men's Billy Super QT
Let the ladies know you mean business by swaddling your virile meatpouch in our finest bootcut denim. With a 20-inch leg opening and our signature embroidered stitching, your lower half will scream “I'm a sensible man … with AN EDGE” as you combine the party time functionality of a bell bottom with the lustiness of a
3) Ed Hardy Black Panther And Snake Woven Boxers
Don't think for a second that once your catch for the evening gets your jeans off, your work is done, fellas. You're going to need to impress her with the final frontier of fashion know-how, and that “final frontier” is your exquisite taste in undergarments. For a real man, there's no better choice than our Black Panther And Snake Woven Boxers. Not only are they brightly emblazoned with a black panther that kind of looks like a cross between one of Sigfried and Roy's white tigers throwing up a bag of Skittles and the cover of Whitesnake's Come And Get it record, but they're also made in the USA from breathable 100% woven cotton.
Make a statement. Boxers say, “I am a man that isn't afraid to let his pork sword and satchel of plums dangle a bit. Briefs simply cannot contain this lap leather.” Boxers with our Black Panther and Snake design say, “Stare into the face of chaos, before you stare into the face of bliss … which as you may or may not have surmised, is my penis.” Oh, we're not done yet. Once the deed is done, and you're pretending to sleep, facedown, as you wait for your catch to make the walk-of-shame, let her know that you're not to be messed with. Let sleeping dogs lie, or else you'll sic the horribly deformed bulldog that is trying to run into your butthole from the butt print of our Woven Boxers on her. “Beware of Dog,” indeed.