36 New Year's Resolutions For the Awful Music Journalist

Will music journalism always suck? Probably. MTV will always feature at least three Justin Bieber articles on its news page, and NME will continue its 1:4 ratio of articles about members of Oasis. And of course, people like me will still write articles about botching interviews and how cool nü-metal is.

But with a new year brings new hope. As part of the constant effort to create a better site and become a better music journalist, I multiplied six by six to give you the ultimate sixlist: 36 New Year's resolutions for an awful music journalist.


1. Say “yeah” more times than Rob Zombie but less times than Nelly.
2. Never find Kreayshawn attractive again.

3. Put my arms around Mark McGrath, just like he asked.
4. Actually Imagine Dragons–because somehow that is less nerdy than listening to them.
5. Create and manage a new music superstar named Doug Step.
6. Create and manage a sexy pop superstar infant named Baby Goo Goo, then tour with Lady Gaga.
7. Finally pitch the show Danzig With
the Stars.
8. Replace the remaining members of the Misfits with three KISS Pez dispensers.

9. Figure out if Geddy Lee from Rush is really Les Claypool from Primus' grandmother.
10. Remind myself when I am renewing my license that at least the DMV does not stand for Dave Matthews Van.
11. Incubate in Steven Tyler's chest, then burst out of it with a tinier version of me that comes out of my mouth.
12. Continue not listening to ska, even though I am impressed by a band calling themselves the Ska-Skank Redemption.

More resolutions on the next page!
13. Take better care of my body now so
that I can sell it to Vince Neil for more
drugs later.
14. Blow the lid off the Internet with a list of rappers who look like cats.

Topping the list, obviously!

15. Get extremely overweight and accidentally kill Chris Cornell during sex.
16. Convince my father it is pronounced “Bong Iver.”
17. Turn Mumford and Sons into a hardware store.
18. Stop shopping at co-ops if it means I don't have to watch a woman sing Blues Traveler to a baby.
19. Rationalize my deteriorating good looks by remembering that the guy from Coldplay is going bald, too.
20. Never forget that the guy from Avenged Sevenfold is no longer going bald because he is rich enough.
21. Actually listen to the Arctic Monkeys so I can find a reason to hate them aside from their name.

22. Find a strip club where all the dancers are Rob Zombie and all the music is made by sad, beautiful women.
23. Force-feed Carlos Santana breast-
milk pizza.
24. Meet a member of the band Autograph and ask him for his autograph while nudging him with my elbow over and over again.

Still more resolutions on the next page!


25. Remind people of the amazing Nickelback parody video more often.
26. Stop wishing every member of Def Leppard lost all of their arms whenever “Pour Some Sugar On Me” comes on.
27. Stop thinking of people who walk into coffee shops holding acoustic guitars in the same way as a right-wing Christian thinks of an Arab man boarding an airplane.
28. Convince more people that I believe The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a book about getting free socks and lunch-meat trays from being in the Wallflowers.
29. Get facial tattoos to resemble Dave Navarro's facial hair.

30. Petition companies to stop testing on animals and start testing on Dave Navarro.
31. Become a bartender and mistake the term “hair of the dog” with “Temple of the Dog” over and over again.
32. Petition Black Sabbath to redo an entire record with Gilbert Gottfried on vocals.
33. Quit calling her Carly Rae Jetson just to piss off my friend's little sister.
34. Figure out what the best non-black metal bands are.
35. Carry a boombox that only plays Killed By Death by Motörhead.
36. Write more lists, forever.

See also
10 Punk Albums to Listen to Before You Die
25 Greatest OC Bands of All Time: The Complete List
20 Greatest OC Albums of All Time: The Complete List

Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality.

One Reply to “36 New Year's Resolutions For the Awful Music Journalist”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *