Why Does This Club Suck So Hard?

Photo by Christopher Victorio
Sign a club sucks: You walk into a room filled with candy eaters.
By: Kat Bein

Free time is a precious commodity. Weekend warriors have a mere 48 hours to get as nasty as they wanna be, then it's a long, hot shower and another five days of money makin'.

No one wants to waste their Saturdays on shitty drinks in shitty environments. And there's nothing fun about wasting hundreds of dollars on a night that you'd rather forget.

So here are five signs this club sucks... And if three or more of these triggers are set off by the party spot that your best friend just suggested, don't drop a dollar on cover charge.

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Photo by Alex Markow
If she still sucks a pacifier, she's too young for you.

All Ages If you're under 21, you're probably all like, "Hey, what gives? I love all-ages clubs." Talk to us when you're 22, bb. You'll realize that everyone under 21 may as well be 12. You have absolutely nothing interesting to say. And everything you want to drink tastes like candied asshole. The only people older than 22 who want to hang out with people younger than 21 are creepy losers who can't get an adult in bed, and they are there to prey on your naiveté. Go to house parties and leave the club scene alone. For our good. And yours.

Photo by Karli Evans
Professional sound systems: Not just for setting your drink down.

Sounds Like the DJ Is Playing From Computer Speakers Sound is paramount, but not everyone got the memo. It doesn't matter how hot your dancers are, how bright your lights, or how strong your drinks. If your bangers seep through the life-size equivalent of a Fisher-Price My First Stereo System, real motherfuckers won't frequent your spot. You could seriously just have a dark room with nothing in it and a massive sound system that bumps clear highs and lows, and you've got a winner. Don't put yourself through a garbage listening experience. And for the record, just because it's loud doesn't mean it's "good."


Photo by Karli Evans
Leave the photography to the professionals

The Crowd Lookin' Like PhoneFest 2K14 This may be hard to avoid in Miami, but a crowd stuck on their screens is not a sweet hangout. If the music is bumpin' and the vibe is right, people won't worry about who's texting them or what time it is. That's the goal every time you walk into a party -- to turn off the rest of the fucking world. If you walk into a place past midnight and most people are still standing around looking at their gadgets, that's a clear sign to run for the hills and never come back. It's always possible that it's just a bad night, but if you see this happening more than once at the same place... Never return.

Photo by Karli Evans
You don't want this to be the only girl at the party.

The Only Ladies in the Club Are Getting Paid to Dance No one likes a sausage fest. If you walk into a room full of slobbering dudes staring at a dancing woman and it's not a strip club, things are going to get weird. It's not that women don't want to meet guys, but being the only group of ladies in a room of dogs can be a harrowing experience. As well, fellas notoriously like to hang out at parties with at least a 50/50 ratio. Or maybe that's too generous and they want to be, like, the only dude in the room. Either way, all guys at a party is not a good sign. Dip out, bruh.

Photo by Todd Owyoung
Behold! The King of unnecessary bullshit! Don't be an Aoki.

Everything But the Music Unless you're just looking to get mollied out and lose your mind, music is key. Even if you are flying high on a drug cocktail that would make Hunter S. Thompson blush, the better the music, the better the experience. If a club is willing to shell out thousands for lighting, dancers, flashy shit they can stick to a champagne bottle, light-up bars that spin and make noise, laser beams that spell out the birthday girl's name, and whatever other trendy crap, but they don't have the time to get a good DJ, local or otherwise. That place fucking sucks. Don't feed the troll that is shitty music venues. Do support those places that tirelessly book quality acts, even if they don't have all the finesse of a flashy party palace.

See Also: The Thirstiest People We Saw at Splash House Is Ryan Jaso An EDM Mogul in the Making? Gary Richards Was an EDM Hustler Long Before He Started HARD

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