DEAR MEXICAN: Dude, can you please write about why Mexicans are voting for Trump? My cuñado and I were talking about the candidates over dinner yesterday and about how this will be his first presidential vote. He became a U.S. citizen last year. He’s from DF; he started from the ground up in this country and is now a successful business owner. I think he wants to keep the gap between himself and other immigrants still struggling. He’s voting Trump. Greed is what I sense, but I’m not sure. I then spoke with my friend (my go-to source for wab news in SanTana), and she informed me that a lot of Mexicans and/or Hispanics are voting for Trompas. Please enlighten us with your take on the matter.
Sentiendo El Quemazón
DEAR FEELING THE BERN: Yeah, the vast majority of Mexican-Americans despise Trump—a Los Angeles Times poll found only 9 percent of Latino voters in California (really, Mexican-American ones) liked Trump, while 87 percent want him to become Chapo pozole. And there’s always that self-hating tío who’ll vote for any politician who talks trash on their own kind. But it’s actually not surprising why Mexicans would vote for Trump—he’s the ultimate Mexican presidential candidate. Mexicans can’t stand political correctness and appreciate powerful people sin pelos en la lengua—”without hairs on the tongue,” a Mexican aphorism for when someone speaks their mind. Sure, Bernie Sanders is as straight-talking as Trump, but where he fails as a Mexican candidate and Trump succeeds is that the latter also passes himself off as a caudillo (a strongman). Simply put, Mexicans don’t want a perceived pussy in office, and Trump’s bellicose babadas make people think he’s tough when he’s actually little more than a chavala. Finally, Mexicans don’t mind corruption in government as long as they get theirs, which is essentially the Trump platform.
Supporting a GOP blowhard isn’t new for Mexicans, by the way: We voted in surprisingly large numbers for pendejos such as Dubya, Arnold Schwarzenegger (when he ran for the California governor’s seat), Reagan, even Nixon way back when. The difference between them and Trump is that they at least pretended to like Mexicans, while Trump doesn’t give a shit—to his detriment. Hear me, inútil? If you didn’t call us a bunch of rapists and drug dealers, un chingo más raza would be voting for you, and you would’ve run away with the presidency. Instead, we’re getting ready to kick your ass come November and deport you back to your suit factory in Mexico.
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: I’m spending this Christmas in Mexico City with my mexicana fiancée’s family. I met them last year, and we get along well. (Whew!) My problem is that I don’t know what to get her father as a Christmas gift. I went all out last year, trying to make a good impression, and it worked. But I can’t top last year’s gift (a jersey signed by several players from his favorite Liga MX team), so I write in hopes that you have some ideas. He’s one of those guys who has everything, so I’m stuck. Any ideas?
DEAR NEGRITO: You really want to give your future suegro the ultimate gift? Don’t marry his daughter.