Why do Mexicans Like to Escape From Prison?

DEAR MEXICAN: Why is it so easy to escape from Mexican prisons, and why is it always accomplished the day before execution? And why haven't the proper authorities figured it out yet? See Madero, Pancho Villa, Luis Terrazas, Jr., etc.

Fuga Fred

DEAR JAILBREAK FRED: Don't forget El Chapo! The answer is obvious: Mexican law-enforcement and government officials are bought more easily than a piratería copy of Star Wars: The Force Awakens at your local Mexican supermarket parking lot. As for Chapo's already-legendary escape, all I can add is that I still can't decide whether Dig Dug or Super Mario Bros. is the more hilarious meme for the situation. Oh, and fuck Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, that pinche prieto cagaleche.

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DEAR MEXICAN: I'm Mexican. I don't mind when my friends ask me questions about Mexicans. But my Jew-wop friend asked me something about Mexicans I don't understand: “Why do some Mexican chicks look Asian?” Having grown up in SanTana, I immediately thought of the cholas and every Payasa, Tweetie and Shorty I knew and their amazing skills with liquid eyeliner. Several Google searches did not yield any good results. So neither of us got the much-needed visual to help us communicate. Is it the makeup, his Jew-wop ignorance or something I am clearly missing?

La Sad Girl

DEAR POCHA: What you're missing is that a chingo of chinitos are Mexicans. Asians have been coming to Mexico since the 1500s, when Filipinos worked the Manila galleons that would unload in Acapulco and intermixed with the population in Guerrero, Oaxaca and beyond. And, give or take a Chinese pogrom or a “chino, chino, japonés” school-yard chant, the Asian presence in Mexico has never ended, joined in recent years by Korean migrants in Mexico City and the continued takeover of Ensenada by Chinese nationals (their presence in Mexicali, on the other hand, dates back nearly a century). And don't forget that our indigenous side came from Asia thousands of years ago—so don't be surprised when your cousin grows up to resemble a radiant Burmese tribeswoman from a Cold War-era National Geographic spread instead of however the hell a “normal” Mexican is supposed to aparecer.

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DEAR MEXICAN: I'm a residential real-estate guy, and this question came up in my group recently. Why is it that when Mexicans buy a house, one of the first things they do is put up heavy shades or even blankets on all of the windows? Why don't they let the sun shine in?

Re/Max Ramón

DEAR WAB: Three possibilities. The most obvious is that Mexicans like their privacy. If we want the world to see us, we have no problem being outside—that's why we have parties on the front lawn, put couches on the porch, and create gazebos and benches for the outside. But once we're inside, we don't want metiches nosing into our activity. That leads to the second posibilidad: The house might be occupied by multiple families who do not want the outside world to know what's supposed to be a bedroom is actually occupied by a family of five. The least likely answer is also one that all gabachos immediately assume: It's a drop house for drugs. The only way to know if that last thing is true? If it's the one house on the block that gabachos come in and out of. You know what to do. . . .

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