When Pigs Fly

Illustration by Bob Aul The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) says US Airways did nothing wrong when it allowed a 300-pound pet pig to fly in first class on a Philadelphia-to-Seattle flight in October, Reuters reported on Nov. 30. Having “Charlotte” along for the ride apparently helped relieve the stress of her owner, a woman with a heart condition —and enough cash to purchase first-class tickets for herself and her porker. But Miss Piggy went hog-wild upon landing, running and squealing though the 757's cabin and leaving a trail of pig poop. The FAA reasoned that passengers must be taken at faith when they claim their pets are service animals, citing the Richard Gere Gerbil Rule. Meanwhile, the airline said it didn't notice anything unusual with the pig's behavior, citing all the people aboard from Philadelphia.

GUNS FOR TOTS Toddlers had trouble pushing open a door at a Los Alamitos preschool on Nov. 30 because of an unusual doorstop: a loaded 9 mm Ruger semiautomatic pistol. Los Alamitos police think the gun was hidden under a doormat by an auto-theft suspect who was captured near Rossmoor Preschool. Clockwork has a different theory: it could have been there as a prop for the Eddie Eagle GunSafe Program. The National Rifle Association (NRA) hasn't had much success integrating its young-guns program into elementary schools across the nation or making Eddie Eagle as famous as Smokey the Bear. So perhaps the NRA has set its gun sights lower. We think the problem is their catch phrase: “If you see a gun— stop! Don't touch. Leave the area. Tell an adult.” Borrring! We prefer, “If the principal takes your gun away, only bullies will have guns.” SAY, STRANGER . . . Santa Ana police popped 56 people for lewd behavior as part of a six-month sting in which undercover officers posed as gay men loitering near public restrooms in search of manmeat, the Times Orange County reported on Nov. 30. Gay-rights attorney Bruce W. Nickerson is reportedly seeking to have cases not yet prosecuted thrown out, arguing that cops ignore heterosexual sex in public parks and restrooms while busting gays for doing the same. It's an argument that has not fared well in Orange County courtrooms but was recently supported in the Minnesota governor's mansion. After his chief of staff pleaded guilty to propositioning an undercover cop in a steam room, Jesse Ventura said of public hetero-sex: “We can do it, and people just shake their fingers at us and tell us we're spirited. Is there any of us talking here that hasn't gone out and had sex in a place they're not supposed to?” Yes, the butt. Oh, sorry, we just flashed back to an old The Newlywed Game for a second. JUDGMENT DAY Did anyone else bristle at the fact that the judge who on Dec. 1 thwarted Orange County's overwhelmingly voter-approved anti-airport initiative Measure F is based in Los Angeles? Hiz Honor's whole frame of reference when it comes to noxious development is therefore based on Los Angeles. Surely you remember Los Angeles: IT'S THE PLACE WE ALL MOVED HERE TO ESCAPE! Hell, in LA, jails and commercial airports and hazardous-waste dumps are not called “noxious developments.” They're called “improvements.” They even have a name for the future this judge deemed for us: “Inglewood.” Thanks, dickwad. FRESH FRUIT FOR ROTTING VEGETABLES H.J.Heinz will make up for underfilling California ketchup bottles by giving us 1 percent more than the labeled amount of red stuff for a year, Reuters reported on Dec. 1. If Reagan was still president, that would amount to 78,000 gallons of free vegetables. No word yet on how the makers of catsup will respond to this marketing challenge.

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