Tired of sitting all day at Starbucks while sipping free water, surfing the Internet, people watching and faking that you're on vacation from a real job?
A few of you might have a chance of, as Dr. Hannibal Lecter said slowly, "getting all the way to the FBI."
The agency's Los Angeles field office has scheduled a May 13 special agent job recruitment session for interested professionals: lawyers, computer scientists, engineers, detectives, pilots, weapons experts and foreign language specialists.
According to FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller, in-shape applicants must be between the ages of 23 and 36; possess a bachelor's degree; and have three years of employment experience.
Don't get too excited dear, job-hunting OC Weekly readers because you may not qualify.
Here are disqualifying factors:
–Lack of U.S. citizenship;
–A felony conviction;
–Sense of humor;
–Default on a federally-backed student loan
(Okay, kidding–partially–about the sense of humor bullet point.)
Yet, these other hurdles might be insurmountable for some:
–No marijuana smoking or non-prescribed drug taking within the last three years;
–No "hard drug" consumption in a decade; and
–Not a single instance of selling, transporting or manufacturing illegal narcotics.
Depressed? There's still hope. You can score FBI dough tax-free if you use drugs, manufacture drugs or transport drugs. Hell, you can even order murders and certain agents will look the other way if you become a confidential informant working against an agency target.
(For example, see: "OC Public Defender Makes Snitch Filet," March 27, 2014 as well as "The OC Serial Killer Who Became The County's Top Snitch," June 5, 2014.)
All interested parties (except for potential informants), should go to FBI headquarters at 11000 Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles. The Wednesday event lasts from 10 a.m. to noon.