“Top Five Songs With Crazy Lyrics,” According to Hal Sparks

Hal Sparks was dishing up jokes and killing the crowds with laughter on the stand-up stage long before he took hosted E!'s “Talk Soup.” He had a stand-out role on “Queer as Folk” and portrays the super smart scientist step-dad “Donald Davenport” on Disney Channel's “Lab Rats,” but at the end of the day, there is a lot more that meets the eye when it comes to this multi-talented man.

Before his weekend run at the Brea Improv June 13th-16th, there was a whole other stage we were focusing on when it came to Sparks. It's the one he stands on with his guitar and in tow alongside his band Zero 1. Since Hal is so crazy clever, we felt it was only right to hit him up for his list of the “Top Five Songs With Crazy Lyrics” and as expected, he nailed it to the wall!

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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Thanks so much for doing this. I know you rock out, not sure about if you do it with your cock out but you know…

Hal Sparks: Well I try not to because it goes against your book ability later at other clubs and of course being on a Disney show…well, yeah. And with this list, it's crazy lyrics like, “what the fuck” and not “crazy cool” because there is an important distinction.

Perfect, I lean more towards the crazy “what the fuck” myself anyway. Let's do this.

5. Genesis, “Abacab”
The lovely song “Abacab” kind of rewrote the rules on English like, everything is poetry just because we're on a deadline. I'm fairly certain that word “Abacab” itself is literally just made up of the chords or the song structure. So “A” being the verse, “B” being the chorus, and “C” being the bridge. So a-b-a-c-a-b is how you write the hit song Abacab. Whenever somebody is writing lyrics, and this is coming from a guy who has written a lot of shitty songs, some decent ones, and then some genuinely good ones…that's honestly how the process goes. Meanwhile Abacab is like, “No I can't sing the structure of the song. What a dick move that'd be. Wait, yeah I can!” It's amazing because I don't know if I'm impressed or angry because this song is from people who weren't even high. They were just in a hurry.

4. Christopher Cross, “Ride Like the Wind”
One of the goofiest rock songs ever, and I don't know if the word “rock” is even legally allowed to be used here, but it's “Ride Like the Wind.” This is the softest song about a gunslinger in history. It's almost like the quiet one you have to watch. “I was born the son of a lawless man. Always spoke my mind with a gun in my hand.” This is a guy who does not follow orders and who carries a gun everywhere he goes but yet, it's kind of like he's dozing off in the middle of the story. And you know you're in trouble as a badass when you need Michael McDonald to kind of reinforce the point.

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3. Led Zeppelin, “Kashmir”
Now I know I am stepping into weird territory with this because I'm a fan but, I'm literally going with any Led Zeppelin song. Mainly because no matter how the song started, whether it's about a desert in India or some sort of abstract story about a lady who thinks all that glitters is gold, it doesn't matter. By the end of the song Robert Plant is screaming that his woman has left him and she's a mean mistreater. At some point in his drug haze, he doesn't realize that no millionaire British white guy has the right to actually be a blues man. Midway through these songs he tries to do this cup and balls bullshit and starts going mamamamama mean mistreater stuff like a blind black blues man from the 50's. It's one thing for them to rip off their riffs, which they got totally busted for, but Robert Plant's whole, “I want to be a blues singer thing” is absurd. At least Robert Plant was pretty though.

2. Beyoncé, “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”
This does not qualify as a rock song but lyrically, it needs to be said. I find “Single Ladies” super irritating, anti-romantic, and psychologically dangerous for women. The premise for the entire song is, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. OK, let's be really clear. Marriage is about love. If you love it, you should put a ring on it. If you like it, you fuck it and don't call it again. You don't base a lifetime relationship on “like.” I like him, therefore we will be bonded forever. No! How shoot for the bottom can you possibly get? Have you ever fucked somebody and then right after sex gone, ehhh? Because that is her status for marriage. If you've ever shrugged after sex, that's enough for Beyoncé.

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1. Eddie Money, “Two Tickets to Paradise”
I always thought that “Two Tickets to Paradise” was probably the biggest example of the judgment that using cocaine allows you to make. When cocaine is in your system, it allows you to say, “That's OK,” without any sense of irony whatsoever. Just imagine yourself sitting there and writing, “I've got two tickets to paradise, pack your bags, we'll leave tonight.” Then you go into a room, sing it, mix it, and you're around people and they're OK with it. There had to be so much cocaine involved in this process. And on a side note: I once ran into Eddie Money at Vons at 2:00 in the morning and he was wearing an Eddie Money jumpsuit. This is absolutely true; the jumpsuit had his name on it like he just threw something on to go to Vons. None of us could get away with that but him.

Hal Sparks performs at the Brea Improv June 13th-16th, 120 South Brea Blvd. 92821, (714) 482-0700. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. For more info, visit www.HalSparks.com, check out his band Zero 1, and follow him on Twitter: @HalSparks.

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