When I heard medical marijuana patches were being developed for dogs, cats and horses, visions of enclosed fields overgrown with righteous cannabis filled my mind, meaning only one thing: Daddy's gotta get him a map and one of those dog suits like the Aussie wears on Wilfred.
Then I found out Seattle's Medical Marijuana Delivery Systems (MMDS) is creating not a patch of land but the pro-pot version of anti-tobacco patches worn by your friend trying desperately to kick and swearing they work until you see him days later with 14 of the goddamn things running from his wrists to his neck as he puffs away on a carton of Kools.
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Which means only one thing: Daddy's got to get him a prescription and one of those dog suits like that Aussie wears on Wilfred, only with a patch-sized square cut out on one arm.
Actually, the patent acquired by MMDS for a pooch patch is based on a human version held by Walter Cristobal of the Santa Ana Pueblo Tribe of New Mexico. He developed a patch in 2000 to help ease his
mother's arthritis. (Wool-hat tip to Technorati.)
You know who's a good boy? The dog on the left and Walter Cristobal are sugggoodboys! Yes you are! Yes you are!
There is one hitch to MMDS dreams of marketing a mellow alternative to traditional animal painkillers: state laws must change to allow patches, as some outlaw willfully feeding pot to pets.
Hmmm, that must make it a legal gray area when, say, Misty swipes a loaded brownie off the plate on the coffee table before entering The Twilight Zone for the next seven or eight years.
In any event, those tireless advocates at Oaksterdam U ought to put out the casting call now for sickly dogs and cats to appear in pro-Proposition Whichever TV commercials calling for legalization in Cali of medical marijuana patches for puppies. Viewers can lock in on Rex's sad eyes over the light refrains of Sarah McLachlan's “I Will Remember You.” Who would be so heartless to deny patches for Patches?
I'll be headed to the dry cleaners with a dog suit in my hand.
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.