The Envelopes, Please

Von Teese and Heraldez by
Tenaya Hills. Jason Bateman
courtesy Gavin Bond/FoxYou know, I've been awfully busy lately. Not with work particularly, or mothering my small buttercup of a son, or bettering myself through extensive reading of my Bible and prayer to that nice Christ fellow. No, I have priorities, people! And those priorities are a) to be more sexy, b) to be sexier, and c) to embody a higher grade of sexness. That's what dudes want these days (well, that and two other girlfriends), they tell me once they see me naked. They seem to think, poisoned as they are by The O.C.and pictures of Kelly Gray, that all us womens could be like that if we just made the effort.

So I've been busy making myself sexier by toning and buffing myself to a high gloss, in between massages and pedicures and those thinning cocaine benders.

Shiny! Glossy! And full of cocaine!

Oh, yeah. You know you want it.

And so it is that between my Botoxologist and my dealer and the woman who covers my gray, I've been completely booked up, and now it seems I've got this OC's Sexiest Peoplethang due one more time. Again! It's been going on for years now! And I'm plumb running out of people I could conceivably want to sex! Therefore, I've pretty much handed it over to the interns. They're really good interns. (And I mean good! Wink, wink!) (Just now? I was kidding.) (But seriously, they are a sexy lot, and some of them are quite depraved.) (With hotness.)

(Please don't sue me.)

Have we intro-ed enough? Are you ready for the Sexiest People? Are you positively raring to go? Me, neither. So let's talk some about the people who've been lobbying to be included! They are legion! And they say things like, “So did I get included in the Sexiest People this year? I ask not because I in any way care about silly things of that nature, but just as a lark. Ho, ho! Oh, and did you drop this hundred-dollar bill?” And I say, “No, Rivieraeditor Kedric Francis! You had six years to include me in the OC Metro's 30 Under 30 from the time we met till I finally got too old! And I can't even get in Riviera's stoopid party pages! Wait, is there coke on that money? No? Then fuck off!

Spongebob courtesy Paramount
& Viacom Int'l, Portia De Rossi
courtesy Gavin Bond/Fox,
Jiang photo by Jeanne Rice
Then there's eleventagenarian Barry Koltnow, who this week hung up his boogie shoes at The Orange County Register, where he'll no longer be covering nightlife but will still be asking the tough questions of John Travolta and, um, John Travolta in his always-delightful Adventures in Barrywood column. He didn't actually lobby for Sexiest People. But wouldn't it be funny if he did? Okay. Now I'm ready. Sali Heraldez At 29, the creamy-skinned Heraldez has opened the best little gallery in Santa Ana—and thanks to the zoning commission, which won't let her sell coffee or artwork, her SolArt Gallery Caf is a capitalism-free zone! Heraldez is a Santa Ana-born Latina who, on the money she'd saved for a vacation, opened an attractive, inviting, glam space. She has regular offerings of open mics, kids' arts and crafts, poetry, and DJs, and she sprinkles her speech with references to “the community” while showcasing art that's sophisticated and not sucky in a shitty area near the 5. She's fresh and sincere, and if you squint, you can imagine her getting arrested with the suffragists in Iron Jawed Angels or jumping on the tables in Norma Rae. UNION! Mitigating factor: The SolArt has no parking; it's worse than Fullerton. And in Fullerton, you get a ticket if you park in front of your own house overnight. Stupid Fullerton. (RS) Jason Bateman and Portia De Rossi. Okay, fine. And GOB, too. And totally David Cross. And did someone say Jessica Walter? Y'all can have your Mischa Bartons and your . . . whoever else that is. There are some blond ones, right? While you've been spending your time on the latest incarnation of Beverly Hills, 90210, we've been trying our damnedest to make sweet love to the entire cast of Arrested Development. There's Portia De Rossi, of course, formerly the prettiest girl on Ally McBeal (and Ally McBeal also starred not-chopped-liver Lucy Liu) and now reportedly wearing a wedding band to symbolize her commitment to Ellen DeGeneres, even though they've been going out for, like, four minutes. Crazily precipitous chicks are the ultimate hotness! And there's Jason Bateman, child star of It's Your Move, whom we've loved ever since, and now he's the sane and handsome one in a family of freaks, which is just how we feel! And there's GOB, the loser magician who, sadly, is the kind of man we would usually end up with. And there's David Cross! David Cross! Who'll be at Detroit with Patton Oswalt in a tsunami benefit Feb. 20! And Jessica Walter is just a fucking class act. Pretty, pretty lady. Mitigating factor: There is no mitigating factor. Call me! (RS again!) SpongeBob SquarePants Why is/how can a geeky, animated sponge in knicker-like pants be sexy? He's gay! But SpongeBob is sponge-worthy for precisely those reasons. He's sexy becausehe's a geek. With knickers up to his armpits. With a dorky, high-pitched voice that keeps wanting to crack every time he opens his mouth. He's sexy because he has taken a crustacean as a life partner/to his bosom. He's sexy because he doesn't care. He's confident—and confidence may be gay. Dr. James Dobsonof Focus on the Family certainly thinks so—or was that just the cock in his mouth talking? It may come with a pocket protector and a starfish named Patrick, but it's always sexy. Mitigating factor: SpongeBob is from Anaheim, which means he's got competition in the sexy-animated-inanimate-object department. You know, like Curt Pringle. (Theo Douglas) Joe Cavallo Defense attorney Joe Cavallo is so sleek, his bedroom eyes so limpid! His hip hairdo and youthful facial scruff are guaranteed to win the schoolgirl hearts of all the defense witnesses who turned against their friend, alleged rape victim Jane Doe I (“I” because Cavallo's famous client, young Gregory Haidl, went on to allegedly do some bad statutory things while out on bail, necessitating the naming of another girl “Jane Doe II“) before those same defense witnesses bragged about how they were going to get internships in Cavallo's office! Where was I? Oh. Cavallo. He primps and preens and makes loves to us all. Then he calls Jane Doe I a “slut,” a wannabe “porn star,” “a tease—that's what she is!” and a “nut” (those are by far the nicest things he says) before bragging that at least three jurors are into him. Mitigating factor: Except for the aforementioned schoolgirls, nobody's into Joe Cavallo. And I can't tell you what bad taste schoolgirls have. In fact, I remember . . . ugh. Trust me on this one, okay? (RS) Women of the Gypsy Den The woman who serves your food is always sexy—after all, she's feeding you and that's always sexy in an Earth Mother, unshaven-legs-and-pits sort of way—but the women of the Gypsy Den (as Hef would put it) are even hotter. Some of them shave, and they have cute well-scrubbed faces, which is always a good thing—soap is sexy, too—and they're always turned out in an impressive array of clothing layers/T-shirts with cool graphics/tattoos. They make you remember when alternative was sexy. Mitigating factor: Remembering when alternative was sexy is nostalgia for the '90s and Pearl Jam, and no one should ever be nostalgic for them. (TD) Elizabeth Nava Elizabeth Nava is your private dancer. A dancer for money. She'll do what you want her to do. She's your private dancer. A dancer for money. Until her bodyguard comes in and bludgeons you to death with a flashlight. Mitigating factor: They just love a pretty girl like that in prison. (Tina Turner) Dita Von Teese Miss Dita Von Teese (ne Miss Sweet) is not now and has never been a Communist, but back in the Day, she was a ballerina in the good ol' OC. Yes, Teese lived in OC from 1984 until three years ago, spending some of her formative years working her first job, at Lady Ruby's Lingerie in Irvine, and getting her breasts done (and quite beautifully, may I add) by a doctor in Newport Beach in 1992.
Currently residing in Hollywood with her fianc, Marilyn Manson, two Devonshire rex cats, and two dachshunds, she is a burlesque fetish-beauty queen with a penchant for red lipstick, stilettos, and grinding the hearts and souls of men beneath their lethal heels. When Miss Von Teese performed at the Weekly's Burlesque party last year, we were floored. We were staggered. We were expecting more of the excruciatingly hip beauties (like the Velvet Hammer) we've seen in the past, but Dita wasn't trying to outcool us. Instead, she made us proud to be women, even women with all their ribs and non-Victorian waists that allow us all the lung capacity God gave us at birth. We wanted pasties and giant fans made of red feathers, and we wanted, like Dita, to be able to exit a womyn-sized martini glass without falling onto our pelvises. Failing that, we'd like to be able to summon a man with just our butts. Mitigating factor: It turns out you can summon a man with just your butt! But as they say in NRA safety classes, you never aim a weapon you're not willing to fire. (An intern) Sunny Jiang It's not just that she's a UC Irvine professor of environmental health, science and policy—and therefore equipped with an immense brain—that makes her sexy. It's not just that she's beautiful. It's that she rides her 10-foot custom-made longboard near the Huntington Pier—on waves her own research has shown contain what she politely calls “human viruses.” She's tough! And frankly, sight unseen, the woman had us at “There's some evidence that the [sanitation district's] plume has some implication in surf-zone pollution.” Like the LA Times editorial board, we boldly call for further study! Mitigating factor: Actually, the new LA Times editorial board under Mike Kinsley is pretty cool. We haven't heard them call for further study in ages. (Todd Mathews, with funny tarting-up courtesy of RS) Re*****@co******************.com

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