As Taylor “Hellcat” Hamby knows and frequently reveals in her wonderful weekly column, Dive, Dive My Darling, some weird (and often times horrible) shit goes down at your local dive bars, from vagina-shaving discussions to the worst bruschetta in Orange County, and much more in between.
Need more proof? Earlier this week, a Reddit thread asked dive bar bartenders to tell their most horrible stories, and well, they're doozies.
Curious? Check out the five most horrible stories after the jump. Some of these pretty bad, so don't say I didn't warn you.
5. Her Vagina Hurts
First off, hulksmashokayiwill regales us with a story of a wonderfully young lady.
I was bartending at this hotel one night when a relatively attractive girl came into the bar. She sat down, ordered a drink and we began chatting. After some banter back and forth she says 'and man does my vagina hurt right now! Wow I took a pounding.' I kind of paused, unsure of how to respond to that. But my curiosity got the best of me so I played along and asked why. Turns out she was a call girl. She was upstairs in the hotel minutes earlier and got gang banged by three guys at the same time. She started going on about how many dicks she Sucks in a day, talking about her work as a hooker like one would any job where they had to do a lot of stuff in a day. Except her stuff to do was people.
4. PCP (Or Bathsalts) Is A Hell of a Drug
Drugs are bad kids, especially when you're mixing PCP, baths salts, and speed, as illustrated by this story from popota.
The man that was just rocketed through the door was my 6'7 250lb bouncer named Jared. He stands back up and rushes back out the door. While I was gone this Hungarian monster of a man had knocked out 4 patrons, 1 bouncer, and was holding his own against 6 others. I've seen a -lot- of bar fights in my time but this man would NOT go down, eventually the cops showed up- but this man unarmed, took on tazers, threw a cop through a window, took a metal baseball bat to the ribs, and law enforcement grade mace to the face.
Eventually he did finally go down, but not before stripping all of his clothes off, doing a body drop on the top of the police cruiser, and masturbating against a female officer.
3. Horrible Flirt Punches Through a Window, Loses Use of Arm
Remember, there's always more fish in the sea, even if you're a horrible flirt. Don't go around punching windows after failing to pick up girls. You might almost die, like the guy in kj3ll's story.
It was a busy Friday and a guy was going around making clumsy passes at every woman in the bar. Me and a bouncer walk up to him and inform him that it is time to leave. He agrees and walks outside of the bar. We asked him if he needed a cab he said no and walked across the street to the seven eleven. Fast forward about twenty minutes, I hear a loud crash and look to the front door and the dude has punched through the window. The window didn't shatter, he punched a nice round hole through it and had his arm up to the shoulder in the hole. He pulled his arm out and in the process he cut all of the tendons and arteries in his armpit. Thank god one of the bouncers was in school to be a paramedic. Tied the arm off, called an ambulance and they took him away. He came back a couple months later and informed us that he had lost the use of the arm and may never regain any functionality. He thanked the bouncer, and then wrote a cheque for the window. That's the worst thing I've seen working in the industry, but I've got plenty more.
2. At Least He Didn't Get Snow Balled?
Remember, always practice safe make outs, unlike the poor guy in twoliterdietcoke's story.
I used to be a bar manager. One of my youngest bartenders notices a guy slobbering all over some girl…I mean really cleaning each other's tongues. Dude walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Young bartender says to him” Hey, I wouldn't be making out with that girl if I were you…”. Douchebag customers says”Fuck you, don't tell ME what to fucking do!” What the douchebag customer didn't know was that the girl he was making out with had just sucked off the bartenders friend in the parking lot…MINUTES before.
And finally, the most horrible story. Sometimes you try to do a good job and then life throws you a curve ball, like it did to zigbot.
So I was working one Saturday night and this guy staggers up to the bar and slurs out the words “can I have a scotch and coke”, he seemed really drunk so I told him he should have a glass of water and we will see.
I was preparing for some shitty excuse, But he just says “I talk like this, because I have cerebral palsy”