Last week, we brought you a list detailing the 10 types of girls OC men have probably dated in their life, classic archetypes ranging from the Christian to the Mexican to—of course—the MILF. Of course, sensitive types got on our case, castigating us for stereotyping our gals as such and deeming us sexist. Well, don't worry, ladies: you've got your revenge here with 10 OC guys YOU'VE probably dated.
I feel bad for my gal pals; while your kind is legendary nationwide for your beauty, us guys aren't exactly the best collection of men—more This is the End than Ocean's 11. We're no bottom-of-the-barrel 909ers, but we ain't exactly choni-melters. No subcategory of George Clooney exist 'round here save for our surfers—and they always go with the beach goddess. So on behalf of OC's guys, gals, I apologize. But, hey: at least we're not LA douchebags…and now, onward!
10. The Conservative
Always dresses sharp, always desires and spends money, always volunteers for the Orange County GOP, always a smug douche. Thinks Obama is the devil, illegal immigrants are ruining this country, and Reagan is god. Takes you to Newport or Laguna for a date, with the occasional SanTana stroll just to show he's hip. Usually in the closet. Unless the woman herself is conservative, you'll dump the guy after he becomes insufferable—which will take a couple of dates. Has no feelings whatsoever.
9. The Musician
You get with this guy because the prospect of going out with the next Mike Ness or Tony Kanal is exciting—and besides, you'll be on the guest list at all the shows, plus be able to get into concerts that matter due to your beloved's connections. But reality sets in fast: the grind of serving as your guy's impromptu stagehand from backyard shows to shitty South County clubs to opening acts at the Coach House to maybe getting a slot at an all-day festival at the Observatory or the House of Blues in eight years to gigging anywhere and everywhere possible during OC Music Awards season. The absolute lack of money at all time—and when there is money, it gets dumped into the next bad YouTube video. Then he takes off on tour, and you're left to ponder whether all those Instagrams of him with fans are pre- or post-coital. The tipping point comes when you have to call your mom's AAA for the umpteenth time when his band's van fails to start off I-10 outside Quartzsite. Lives for NAMM.
8. The Pocho
Unlike our men, who'll date any type of Mexican woman as long as she's spicy, OC's ladies will only date one type: the pocho, otherwise known as an assimilated Mexican. Maybe our girls might slum it with the occasional cholo or even try a wab just for the hell of it, but they usually love the pocho the most. After all, his English is impeccable, he's only Mexican when you ask him to pillow talk en español or you're ordering tacos somewhere, and his name is easy on your tongue: Will instead of Guillermo, Joe instead of Joaquín, and so much more. But it doesn't matter: when you take him home to meet your family, they'll still think of him as an illegal-alien savage no matter what UCLA degree he earned—wait, did I just think out loud about my former Vietnamese girlfriend's family? I did!
Key exception: if you're a Mexican girl, you'll date every type of Mexican hombre in the vain hope of finding one that's not macho yet not a pussy or a mami's boy, an ideal as preposterous as democracy ever taking hold in Mexico.
7. The Sugar Daddy
While the gold digger is an OC girl archetype, I don't believe most women who go for older men necessarily do it for money. Sometimes, the men of OC are really boys; sometimes, you gotta swing a couple of years or decades above your generation to find true love, or at least a summer romance, or at least a guy to buy you a drink for the night.
As for the guys who fall under this category? Always white-collar, always wearing a watch, always old enough to remember when new televisions still came with a UHF nob. Very full of themselves, yet insecure—why else would they go out with women the age of their daughters if not to desperately try to prove how hip they remain, Rogaine be damned?
6. The Nerd
He's an office geek of some sort, whether working for a hip company in Irvine's technology hub or doing IT for a Fortune 500 company or serving as the design guy for his boss or designing stuff on his own. Always nice guy, if a bit shy. His idea of a vacation is going to Comic-Con every year—he can't find you tickets, but you're more than welcome to join him at BlizzCon or WonderCon or D23 or whatever lesser-tier conventions he also attends, 'cause he attends them all. Not very exciting, and you might dump him because of that, only to long for him after his IPO gets released and he moves away to Cupertino with a trophy wife, proving nerds always do win out in the end.
5. The Stoner
Interesting fact: although OC has always been notoriously straight-laced, our gents have always loved getting rich off contraband, whether making bathtub whiskey during Prohibition, smuggling in hashish from Afghanistan in hollowed-out surfboards during the 1960s, smuggling in cocaine from Colombia during the 1970s and 1980s, smuggling in marijuana since forever, or running a legitimate co-op since the passage of Proposition 215.
OC's typical stoner, however, is none of those. He spends his days lit thanks to his fraudulent medical marijuana card, is now into e-cigs, and treats his higher-end bongs as if they were Matisses. Maybe has a job—and if he has one, it has to somehow tolerate his lifestyle, which means he lives in a ratty apartment in Huntington or Newport or Fullerton but definitely not in South County. Deals small-time, because he doesn't have the desire to do anything more ambitious than attending next year's Kush Expo. The stoner isn't a beach bum, although he's friends with them because how else are surfers supposed to get their local supply of Maui Wowie? Gets involved in politics only for weed. Reads OC Weekly only for the “alternative medicine” ads—sigh…
4. The Hipster Christian
He's always saying things like “Praise Him” and citing the Gospel, while sipping on his latté from Portola right after mass at ROCKHARBOR, Mars Hill, Saddleback or Newsong. But yet he also gets drunk and might smoke a cigarette. And he's waaay too happy all the time—probably because he's figured out that if he and his GF do it in the butt, then she'll still be a virgin.
3. The Almost Executive
This guy has hustled forever doing the work of others, whether he's real estate agent, rep for a company, ad guy, car salesman, you name it. But he's only doing that to pay the bills, because he's working on a product that'll get him the home in Newport Coast he's been coveting since senior year at Edison High. It could be one of many things—an energy drink, a clothing line, a new game, a skateboard, something—and he'll always mention that as he takes you to the fanciest restaurants or most-exclusive hotels, always mentioning that one day, he'll turn in his leased Beemer so he can finally buy that Tesla he's been wanting for a couple of years. Problem is, his dreams never quite come true…so he has to re-up the lease.
2. The Bro
Ah, the bro: our working-class hero, our wearer of MMA-style T-shirts, who'll go to fancy events in flip-flops and dreams of pounding Patrón in Vegas next weekend, who snickers at the rest of the men on this list and have the aggro-ness and muscles to follow through on any threats. While some people want to stereotype whites as exclusively white—in fact, the owners of bro-tastic label Sullen Clothing accused us last year of anti-white racism for daring to write that they appeal mostly to bros—I've known enough guys to know that OC bros come in all ethnicities and fashion preferences. Persian bros come from Mission Viejo and Irvine and prefer spiked hair and luxury cars; Mexican bros blast Pearl Jam while manning big trucks that aren't lifted and wearing Dodgers jerseys; Asian bros care for their import cars, singing karaoke in Little Seoul, and Yelping like a madman. And our HB contingent is almost exclusively working-class white, hate their white-trash 909 cousins, and drive lifted trucks as if Tito Ortiz's life depended on it.
So let us now celebrate bros: I've never met a bro that didn't have a steady job, or at least trained in the gym to make it big as a tattoo artist or MMA fighter or had an energy drink or clothing label to hawk. Most OC girls will give a bro at least one shot, if only because they seem like so much fun. But then they realize that other girls will call her a bro ho, and she'll become embarrassed and drop the guy. Poor bro…
And #1? If you're a guy, it ain't who you think; if you're a girl, you'll know exactly who it is…
1. The Guy Who's Not From OC
It's happened with almost all of my gal pals—eventually, they get so desperate at the paucity of available quality men 'round here, that they cast their conchas to better territory. Up the 5 to LA; down to San Diego. Long Beach. Some guy they met at a festival. Cross-country, international, or—better yet—the guy who didn't grow up in OC but just moved in and thus hasn't yet joined our men in loser-dom (and, yes, angry guys: I'm one of ustedes—hell, King Loser. Just read all of my pathetic date stories that I've worked into the paper over the years).
Regardless, guys: it'll happen. So let's step up our game and make sure more out-of-town douchebags don't steal our ladies—only our local douches can do that.