You live here in Orange County long enough, you realize that even in this wildly diverse county of ours, all the chicks are virtually the same. Oh, they'll come in different sizes, income brackets, and levels of prettiness, but our ladies seem to gravitate toward particular tribes, with membership frequently bleeding into each other like Chapman University sorority girls come Undie Run. And if you're a swinging young man, you'll have encountered at least some of these women during your conquests. Hell, I was never a swinging man, and I dated women that belonged to more than half of this list. Anyhoo, let the cavalcade of cuties commence! And, yes, gals: we'll have a “Ten OC Guys You've Probably Dated” posthaste.
See Also: Ten OC Guys You've Probably Dated
10. The Girl Who Wants to Get the Hell Out of Orange County
She's smart, funny, creative, wonderful, gorgeous, liberal—and she's trying her damndest to get the hell out of the hellhole in which she grew up, whether that means going to college out of state or moving to Long Beach/San Francisco/Austin/NYC/Anywhere Not Named Orange County, California. This brain drain has afflicted us for nearly 50 years, and you won't see her again until she's firmly settled somewhere better, doing amazing things, having the time of her life and wondering how pathetic you could be to decide to stay in OC.
9. The Christian
She could be Catholic, or Mormon, but she's most likely an evangelical from one of the Calvary Chapels, or Saddleback, or Mariner's or Eastside Christian or even Newsong. Follows Rick Warren on Twitter, voted for Proposition 8, attended Fishfest with her office mates, serves as a counselor at Christian camp every summer—yet fell for your heathen ass. Regardless of her creed, she will not put out—until she does.
8. The Gold-Digger
She's the gorgeous gal that will only date you if your American Express is black, your Mercedes is S-Class or above, and you were in college when she was still in utero. If you're none of the above, you might've bought her a drink if you were at Gulfstream or Charlie Palmer's, a drink she quickly drank after seeing an Irvine Co. exec sit in the table across the room for you. Don't worry: in 20 years, her daughters will be all yours.
See also: 50 Reasons Why Orange County is The Worst Effing Place in America
7. The Clubber
Next to the Beach Babe (who's next) and the Mexican (soon…), this is probably the oldest OC chica archetype. Whether she was wearing poodle skirts at the Rendezvous in Balboa during World War II, tripped 'shrooms in Laguna with the Brotherhood of Eternal Love in the 1960s, danced at the Crazy Horse, patronized Club Rubber or Metropolis during the 1990s, slinked the night away at Sutra right before the Great Recession, or is still gloving at the Yost as we speak even though their latest EDM concert ended two nights ago, this girl lives to club. She doesn't care about the music being played, or even about you: she just needs a guy to dance with for this one song, and will drop you as soon as a hotter guy (or better dancer) steals her from you. Upshot? She doesn't want a serious relationship, so probably the funnest lady of the bunch here.
See also: 25 Reasons Why Orange County Will Always Kick LA's Ass
6. The Beach Babe
The first famous girl in Orange County culture (despite our pre-World War II agricultural dominance, our farmgirls could just never compete in the national consciousness with those of Wisconsin or Iowa), the Beach Babe has enraptured OC's male mind since the Gabrieleños were camping in Bolsa Chica. When not traveling across the world doing ads for Quiksilver or Billabong, she's posing for BL!SSS and sunning across OC. Unless you're in the action sports industry yourself, your relationship is doomed to end when she finds a skier or surfer better-looking than you—and you KNOW she will.
5. The Rockabilly Queen
In the 1980s, she moshed with you during Social D and Vandals shows; in the 1990s, she moshed with you during a No Doubt or Reel Big Fish performance. Nowadays, she spends her days primping her locks—sometimes Bettie Page, sometimes Veronica Lake—while counting down the days to the next Hootenanny. Tattoos are virtually a requisite for her, as is a love of cheap beer, a working knowledge of Chevy engines from 1948-1973, and the ability to punch people as you defend her honor from other rockabillies after one too many Buds in the oppressive Oak Canyon heat. Seem to congregate in Orange and Fullerton, and watch with the ones in HB—they JUST might be neo-Nazis.
4. The Poor Little Rich South County Princess
She grew up never setting foot in Orange County north of the El Toro Y unless she attended OCSA or one of the Catholic high schools. Her dream is to buy into one of Irvine's latest developments, or—if that doesn't pan out—a condo in Rancho Mission Viejo. The only reason she's slumming it with your Garbage Grove or Anacrime trash is to spite her family—but once she's shocked her family, she'll marry a Mission Viejo douchebag and live life as a housewife that lunches at Fashion Island or South Coast Plaza, the only places north of the Y she'll ever dare visit during the day.
3. The Whitewashed Daughter of Immigrants
Whether her name is Teri Nguyen, Carol Rodriguez, Annie Cheng, or Ria Alizadeh, this girl's first name isn't the name on her birth certificate—they were born Thuy, Carolina, An, or Darya. But at some point, they tired of playground taunting by classmates or classroom butchering by professors and decided to go by Americanized versions of their names. They almost always date outside of their ethnic group, usually with gabachos, sometimes to the consternation of their family but usually with their approval because said family is also whitewashed. These girls mostly live in Irvine, multicultural capital of Orange County, unless they're Mexican—in which case, SanTanaheim is where they roam.
2. The Mexican
Dating a Mexican girl will gift you many things. You'll learn another language, and inevitably get an invite to a family function, whether a wedding, a quinceañera, or a carne asada Sunday. If you're not a Mexican, expect everyone to talk shit about you in Spanish; if you are, expect everyone to talk shit about you in Spanish and English. But at least you'll get to take a plate of carnitas home.
And, of course, #1 is…
1. The MILF
Best part about Orange County dating? Even if you can't get any of the aforementioned honies at their prime, you'll sure as hell nail them when they graciously transition into MILF-hood. In fact, all of these archetypes, like tributaries to the Mississippi, lead toward a river of MILFs that dominate county dating life: we have the randiest collection this side of a Brazzers reel. The Real Housewives of Orange County only scrapes the surface of how they roll. And because we ain't sexist, the MILF inevitably attracts gold-digging young guns looking to get their bill paid at Javier's, or the Quiet Woman, or Foxfire, or in any bar in South County. Are those breasts real? Only one way to find out!
And lest you think we forgot about the gentlemen of our fair county, here's our list of 10 OC Guys You've Probably Dated!
Email: ga*******@oc******.com. Twitter: @gustavoarellano.
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