DEAR MEXICAN: I'm white, and Donald Trump scares the crap out of me. Mexicans must be shaking in their boots. Does the Donald give Mexicans the willies? Do Mexicans get the willies?
DEAR GABACHO: Scared of him? Donald Trump is the best thing to have happened to Mexicans since the bacon-wrapped hot dog. Oh, his rhetoric is straight out of The Turner Diaries, and Trump's fans make slack-jawed yokels seem as cultured as Aristophanes. But the piñata pendejo is exactly what Mexicans need—a kick in the nalgas to wake us up and get ready for the 2016 elections. Mexicans vote best when raza is threatened, and given he's vowing to deport 11 million undocumented folks and their anchor babies (known as “American citizens” by the Constitution), we're going to make sure that neither Trump nor any of the candidates copying his ideas get into the Oval Office. And if he does? Let's have a double revolution in Mexico and the U.S. and boot the bastards out in both of our countries, ¿qué no?
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: Can you clue me in as to what it means when someone is called jarocho? I know son jarocho is a traditional Mexican style of music, but in what other ways is it used?
Colas, Colas, Colas y Nicolás
DEAR NICHOLAS GABACHO: A quick description for your fellow gabas: Son jarocho is a style of music from the Mexican state of Veracruz that involves high-strung, quickly strummed tiny guitars called jaranas; a distinctive lead guitar called a requinto; and other instruments that can range from a harp to a donkey's jawbone to a drum. Together, they create a beautiful genre (“La Bamba” is its most famous song) that, while known in Mexico, is an obsession of Chicano yaktivists; they arrange academic conferences around all-night parties, lionizing its supposedly proletarian spirit while relegating other, more popular Mexican regional music forms such as tamborazo and chilenas to quinceañeras in Montebello. Not a surprise, then, that jarocho also refers to someone from Veracruz. But this is where its etymological roots get fun: The Real Academia Española defines a jarocho as someone “of brusque manners, not courteous and something insolent” and traces its roots to the word farota, which means “shameless woman” (and that word comes from a classical Arabic term referring to the act of getting angry). In other words, jarocho is a word originally used as an insult, but reappropriated by veracruzanos as a point of pride. Such linguistic tactics are popular around Mexico: words such as chilango (someone from Mexico City) and paisa (a hillbilly) are other such intended regional slurs. It shows Mexicans can make beauty out of shit at all times, which explains the continued popularity of Maná. And speaking of caca . . .
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: Your people have destroyed your own country, and as with any good virus, when you run out of things to destroy, you move on to somewhere else to destroy. Do you know why Mexico is a shithole and America is great? Because Mexico is full of Mexicans and America is full of whites. That's literally the only reason. Congratulations: You will never be more than a poor, brown-trash spic. ¡Viva la caca!
The Donald Devotee
DEAR GABACHO: ¡Viva! Manure is a wonderful, natural miracle worker that can fertilize the most wasted of terrains. Why, with all us shit Mexicans smearing across the United States, our cosecha in 50 years will bring this country back to the Garden of Eden. And gabachos? Y'all will be reduced to skid marks.