When I saw “Freedom fries” listed on the menu at Bagel Me! in Villa Park (our 2010 Best Bagel winner), I figured I'd stepped into a Republican time portal back to 2003, when Francophobia was at an all-time high thanks to those cheese-eaters' steadfast (and correct) position that invading Iraq was tantamount to Dubya attempting to wag the dog.
This would have been borne out by looking at the wall across from the cashiers, which is posted from top to bottom with printouts of Internet forwards of the type you get every couple of days from your crotchety old great-uncle in Bakersfield. While you wait for your lox and bagel, you can read cut-outs from firearms magazines, vaguely religious up-and-at-'em exhortations, anti-Obamacare political cartoons, and the whole neo-conservative works up there for consumption by a politically sympathetic city that elected Deborah “
Winter Sharia Is Coming” Pauly to their City Council.
But no, they can't be anti-French, because the item right above it on the menu is French toast. Why, as a friend of mine asked, would the toast be allowed to be French but not the fries?
Well, clearly, the owner of Bagel Me! is anti-pommes de terre. He hates French potatoes!
From this we can surmise that he is probably a former potato farmer from rural Idaho who lost his shirt when President Barack “Kenyan Mufti” Obama signed NAFTA (he was the one who did that, right?) and opened the door to a glut of Québec potatoes being shipped by the camion-load across the wide-open Canadian border. That's a damn shame, is what that is.
We stand in solidarity with you, sir. American potatoes or no potatoes at all! Build an anti-potato fence along the northern border! Embargo Canadian maple syrup and Justin Bieber's music! Canadian potato farmers? Nous vous emmerdons, tabarnak de câlisse d'ostie !