The poor members of the Westboro Baptist Church and their pointless “God hates fags” signs! If only their blinkered interpretation of God had allowed them to have a little more education, they might have been able to read the message I Am That I Am sent them: He actually hates figs. . . .
Which is all the reason I need to make a tart featuring the sweet fruits. They're not in season right now, but this recipe works just as well with dried figs as with fresh. If your figs are truly bone-dry, soak them for five minutes in hot water. If they've got some give, you can skip that step. Make sure you buy the best chèvre and honey you can; mine came from Soledad Goats and Backyard Bees, respectively.
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. fine salt (kosher salt will be too big)
1 stick cold, unsalted butter, cut into small cubes
Water, vodka, apple juice or other liquid, very cold
1. Mix the flour and salt in a large bowl.
2. Put the cubed butter in and massage with your fingertips until the flour looks more sandy than powdery.
3. Add the cold liquid, a little bit at a time, until the dough holds together.
4. Gather the dough into a roughly diskoid shape, then wrap in plastic film and refrigerate while you get the rest of the ingredients recipe.
1 recipe pie dough (see above)
2 Tbsp. unsalted butter, melted
6 oz. fresh, soft goat cheese (chèvre)
12 dried Mission figs, hard stems cut off and halved
1/4 cup good honey
1. Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
2. Roll the pie dough out to the thickness of two stacked quarters.
3. Transfer the dough to parchment paper (or just a greased sheet pan).
4. Roll the edges over and press down so it looks like a bad pizza.
5. Brush the entire crust, edges and all, with melted butter.
6. Crumble the goat cheese evenly around the crust.
7. Set the figs, cut side up, where there's no goat cheese.
8. Drizzle the honey over the tart, avoiding the crust.
9. Bake the tart for 35 to 45 minutes, until the outer crust is golden and the cheese has melted.