Quick Questions With Chris Porter

[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

One could say that when it comes to providing laughs all over the country, Chris Porter really knows his shit. For over 15 years, this Kansas native has been delivering his awkwardly awesome high energy comedy and this April 3rd through 6th, you'll get the chance to witness his hilarity first hand when he headlines at the Irvine Improv. Since we love our comedian's over here at the Weekly and we love digging into their brains oh so much, we hit Porter up before this weekend's gig to play a quick game of “Quick Questions” with us.

Michael Jackson or Prince? Oh wow that's a tough one. They're both the most talented gay dudes ever! It's like, sometimes you want to make love and sometimes you just like to fuck. That's the difference between Michael Jackson and Prince! Jackson is all about making sweet love and Prince is about putting her arms behind her back and stuff. Grabbing her hair a bit. If that's the case, I have to go Prince. They're like the most talented guys ever though and they're the kings of the closet!


If you won a 20 million dollar Powerball, what would you do with the money? I would disappear. I'd go buy a ranch in the middle of nowhere, make some good investments, and just disappear.

Guiltiest pleasure- Bob Segar. I'm a pretty big music snob and normally I'm not into that kind of Kid Rock-y kind of shit but, Bob Segar gets me. When I started my career in Kansas, I drove for hours to get to gigs and it's like all of Bob Segar's songs are about that. If you travel in any capacity, Bob Segar knows what's up in your brain.

Do you have any superstitions? I always say I love you to my family just in case they die. I'm not so worried about me dying, because if that's the case, I'm already gone! So that's something I do because I just don't want to leave my family and then have them go off and do something and die.

If you could have dinner with anyone alive and they'd pay the bill, who'd it be with and where would you go? It would be Anna Kendrick, it would be in her bedroom, and then I don't even care. Fuck the food at that point!

If Hollywood made a movie about your life, who would you want to play you? As long as it wasn't Steve Buscemi I'd be happy. I guess I'd want Brad Pitt because not only is he a good actor but if you're going to get immortalized on the big screen, you might as well go for the gusto. Only your friends are going to know that you weren't that fucking good looking.

If you could do a “Freaky Friday” with anyone, who would it be? Freaky Friday? I don't get that reference. I mean, isn't that kind of a chick thing?

OK if you could be anyone for one day, who would it be? I guess I'd want to be George Clooney for a day. That'd be pretty awesome. Who doesn't want to be Clooney? You can literally have anyone you want! There is not a girl on the planet earth that doesn't see Cloon-dog and just get going. He's an estrogen factory!

What's a really bad song that you love so much? John Cougar Mellencamp's “Little Pink Houses” back from his “Coug” days. I don't like it when I'm sober and as a matter of fact, it's a telltale sign that I'm shitfaced. Normally if I have wits about me, I can't stand the dude. But there's something about it when I'm shitfaced and my defenses are down, then the Kansas comes out. I can't help my genetics and it's like, “Ain't that America?” God damn right it is! You and me!

Favorite Halloween costume that you've ever worn- I didn't really go out on Halloween ever because it just seemed kind of like an amateur night. It's like, New Year's Eve part two. I could say it was the year I went dressed up as a slutty nurse but that never happened. I never really dug on Halloween so I guess it would be the year I went out dressed up as myself.


What's a total deal breaker for you in the opposite sex? Right off the top I'd say, “over-dependence.” Ahhh no, it's crying all day. Nailed it! I had to break-up with a girlfriend once because she just sat and cried all day. She would just cry about everything!

What's a total deal breaker for you in the same sex? Being a bro or a complete douche. Being someone you're not and being a poser. I hate posers. I know “poser” is a real 90's word but whatever. Just be yourself.

What's the best memory that you have from your drunkest night? I was in the back of a tour bus of my friends band and…yeah. I don't know, it was just pretty awesome. I don't know if you've ever been shitfaced on a tour bus of a major band but, it's fucking awesome!

What's the biggest regret you have in life? This interview. [Laughs.] No, I've fucked things up with a couple of chicks and I've probably spent a little more money than I should have but other than that, I'm good. I don't really have that one moment where I am like, god dammit!

The best advice you've ever received was- Besides to do this interview, it was when someone said to me, “Porter! Do more mushrooms!” I did more mushrooms and my mind was never better.

What's something you plan on accomplishing this year because you didn't last year? I'd like to get my next special written. I have a new special called “Ugly and Angry” that came out in February on Netflix so I need to get a new one out because the fans need more Porter. At least that's what I'm getting from the interwebs.

Grab your tickets now to see Chris Porter at the Irvine Improv April 3rd through 6th, 71 Fortune Drive Irvine, CA 92618, (949) 854-5455. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. Be sure to check out “Ugly and Angry” on Netflix, for everything Porter, go to his website www.ChrisPorterIsFunny.com and follow him on Twitter: @IamChrisPorter.

See also
10 Punk Albums to Listen to Before You Die
10 Goriest Album Covers
10 Most Satanic Metal Bands

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