Pussies Galore!

Orange County congressmen ED ROYCE, CHRIS COX, KEN CALVERT and DANA ROHRABACHER are BIG, FAT PUSSIES!!! And if it's okay to call a chick a pussy and mean she's a wimp without having it interpreted as a reference to her vaginal orifice, then, yessir, Congresswoman LORETTA SANCHEZ is a BIG, FAT PUSSY, too!!!

But our big, fat pussy parade does not end at the House, my friends. State Assembly members TODD SPITZER, JOHN CAMPBELL and LYNN DAUCHER? PUSSIES—BIG, FAT ONES!!!

Oh, and here's some folks who want your votes in November to help them oust incumbents but, too bad, 'cause they're also BIG, FAT PUSSIES: J. TILLMAN WILLIAMS(Democrat for Royce's 40th Congressional District seat), LOUIS VANDENBERG (Democrat for Calvert's 44th Congressional District seat), KEITH GANN (Libertarian for Rohrabacher's 46th Congressional District seat) and ALEXANDRIA CORONADO (Republican for Sanchez's 47th Congressional District seat).

More BIG, FAT PUSSIES: NORM “FIRECRACKER” WESTWELL (Libertarian for the 67th state Assembly District), VAN TRAN (Republican for the 68th state Assembly District), OTTO BADE (Republican for the 69th state Assembly District), TOM UMBERG (Democrat for the 69th state Assembly District), BEATRICE FOSTER (Democrat for Spitzer's 71st state Assembly District seat), BRIAN LEE CROSS (Libertarian for Daucher's 72nd state Assembly District seat), ROSS W. JOHNSON (Democrat for that same seat) and MIMI WALTERS (Republican for the 73rd state Assembly District seat).

Okay, so why are all these clean-cut cretins two balls short of a full set? It's because they won't answer simple questions that would let their constituents/would-be constituents know where they stand on the issues. These were not questions crafted by the liberal pinko faggy OC Weekly. A nonpartisan, nonprofit group that wants nothing more than for average folks to feel connected to their representatives—and vice versa—is behind the 2004 National Political Awareness Test.

So why did all these candidates—who've been pestered for six weeks by the group, Project Vote Smart, a bipartisan slate of national political leaders and media representatives (including one from liberal pinko faggy OC Weekly)—essentially hide under their desks when we all came a-calling?

Well, when it turned out that only 56 percent of the congressional candidates and 50 percent of the state legislative candidates in California took this year's test, Project Vote Smart decided to ask. Increasingly, the answer was that candidates feared that if the public knew their views, opponents would use the information against them.

But if candidates are afraid to let their opponents know where they stand on the issues, they can't let voters know information that's essential to self-governance, according to Project Vote Smart's president, Richard Kimball. “Voters should expect no less of political candidates than they would of anyone applying for an important job,” he said.

After a brutal campaign for U.S. Senate in Arizona in 1985 left Democratic nominee Kimball disillusioned, he started his national research organization, which is funded entirely by foundation grants and individual contributions from 46,000 members. The man who beat Kimball in that Senate race, John McCain, is now on Project Vote Smart's founding board along with Newt Gingrich, George McGovern, Geraldine Ferraro, Michael Dukakis and Senate speaker Bill Frist.

The political heavyweights give the group cache in Washington, but the heavy lifting is actually done by a battalion of interns who receive college credit to live and work on Project Vote Smart's bucolic campus on the Great Divide Ranch in Montana. Using telephone polls and published media reports, the interns examine every state and federal legislative district in the country to determine which issues matter most to individual voters. The questionnaires are then crafted for each voting district, with the actual wording carefully chosen to prevent any hint of partisanship.

Several months ago, Kimball toured the country to find media outlets that would sign on as project partners. That basically entails having press and broadcast-media representatives writing letters on company letterhead to candidates and elected officials in their coverage areas, urging them to participate in the test. The media is also urged to run editorials in support of the exercise, although that is not mandatory. OC Weekly is Project Vote Smart's only Southern California newspaper partner.

When prodding from the media and Project Vote Smart staff fails, the group then turns to McCain, Ferraro and others to urge politicians and candidates to participate so their views can go in a handy guide available in print or online. If that final plea is ignored, a note like this one, from the group's Cox page, pops up [the caps are theirs, not mine]:


In the interest of fairness, the Weekly did receive a phone call from Coronado personally informing us she would not take the test but that she would meet with editors here any time to answer our questions. Courageous? Hardly. You just know that if she didn't like what we wrote after our sit down, she'd tell everyone we misquoted her or made it all up. What else do you expect from a liberal pinko faggy rag?

No, if we're going to start handing out badges of courage like they were honorary Orange County Sheriff's badges—ours are big, pink, faggy, pussy-resembling ones, by the way—we'd give 'em to the office-holders and -seekers who DID take the test, like the following locals who are . . .

NOT BIG FAT PUSSIES: 42nd District Congressman GARY MILLER and the Republican's Democratic challenger, LEWIS MYERS; 44th District Congress Peace and Freedom nominee KEVIN AKIN; 46th District Congress Democrat and Green nominees JIM BRANDT and TOM LASH; 48th District Congress Libertarian and Democrat nominees BRUCE COHEN and JOHN GRAHAM; 49th District Congress Libertarian and Democrat nominees LARS GROSSMITH and MICHAEL BYRON. Also, 33rd District state Senator DICK ACKERMAN and the Republican's Democratic challenger, RANDALL DAUGHERTY; 35th District state Senate Libertarian nominee TIMOTHY JOHNSON; 67th District Assemblyman TOM HARMAN and the Republican's Democratic challenger, DAVID P. SILVA; 68th Assembly District Democrat nominee AL SNOOK; 69th Assembly District Libertarian nominee GEORGE REIS; the 70th Assembly District Democrat and Republican nominees, CARL MARIZ and CHUCK DEVORE; the 73rd Assembly District Democrat and Libertarian nominees, KATHLEEN CALZADA and ANDREW FAVOR.

The Weekly saluting Gary Miller, Dick Ackerman and Chuck Devore? All politics is loco. To check out the actual responses of these brave souls, log onto vote-smart.org/npat. After all, it does say something about their characters, their intestinal fortitude that they . . . uh . . . ah, screw that crap. Candidates are supposed to respond to their constituents. Remember?


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