Outside Lands 2016 By The Minute

Friday, August 5

1:00 p.m. Walking down the steep slopes of San Francisco and can hear the music from five blocks away. It's also cold as balls up here compared to Long Beach. (Josh Chesler)

2:02 The media line to get credentials is a clusterfuck. Lots of angry media folk, which isn’t what you want at a festival. Sort of the “cats and dogs” scenario described in Ghostbusters. Plus it’s cloudy and kinda cold. Awesome start. (Daniel Kohn)

2:05 There's something called "Cheese Lands." I'll be investigating this sometime later in the day when I'm less concerned about my stomach lasting for several hours. (JC)

2:25 No one knew where the press tent was, but I eventually found it. There's free beer in there, so I took two to go see the end of Jidenna's set because I'm a classic man. (JC)

2:45 Two guys in funny hats were being interviewed in the press area. Then they started talking to me. No idea what band they're in, but I think one was named Les and he seemed cool enough. I need to be more careful about going back for more beer if I don't want to talk to people. (JC)

3:00 What the hell are "avocado fries?" (JC)

3:32 Still here [in the press check-in line]. I’m getting superfucking annoyed. (DK)

3:38 Finally, resolved. (DK)

3:30 There are a lot of cops here. (JC)

3:45 Just ate the most delicious grilled cheese ever. San Francisco doesn't mess around with their bread. (JC)

4:00 Foals is a cool indie hipster band. They sound like every other cool indie hipster band, but they're the ones playing while I watch some 50-year-old dude make a pass at a severely underdressed twentysomething. (JC)

4:15 Harambe is the unofficial mascot for Outside Lands. He's on totems, t-shirts, paintings, everything. #RIPHarambe (JC)

4:40 People are really excited for Miike Snow and I still don't know how many i's are in Miike Snow. (JC)

4:42 Just discovered an arcade with a Metallica pinball machine and Temple Run. (DK)

5:15 Another musician is talking to me and once again I have no idea what band he's in. How do I make it clear that the only reason I go into the press area is the free beer? (JC)

5:40 Got lost walking to Gastro Magic to see a comedy roast of a San Francisco chef…seriously? This day is moving slowly. (DK)

5:57 This guy hosting the roast, c’mon. Reading from a clipboard is a bit lame for a stand up. (DK)

6:59 p.m. Hold up, a Big Boi show just popped up as being on in 26 minutes through the festival’s app. (DK)

7:25 Big Boi just hit all five minutes of Outkast that I would've stood through an hour of Big Grams to see. "Ms. Jackson" and "B.O.B." (JC)

7:30 The show’s over, what a tease. (DK)

7:40 The music here is alright, the food here is spectacular. (JC)

8:09 The ever punctual LCD Soundsystem once again show up early at a festival. (DK)

8:30 I'm not sure if this is the same LCD Soundsystem song or if we've heard a few, but it's definitely enough to realize it's not my speed. J. Cole was good the one other time I saw him live, so let's go check him out. (JC)

8:35 My new friend and photographer "Phat Money" Matt De Mello just stopped to take a photo of two girls posing in front of a Harambe mural. A dude shoulder-checked him and another girl called him fat. The life of a festival photographer. (JC)

8:54 The J. Cole stage area is an absolute mess. Adios! (DK)

10:00 First day is in the books, and it looks like underdressed ladies bought every Outside Lands blanket they could get their hands on at the merch tent. Did they not realize it was going to get colder when the sun went down? It's practically Snowchella. (JC)
Saturday, August 6

1:07 p.m. Well, I can check my bags into a $35 locker sponsored by PayPal because you know, San Francisco (DK)

1:16 The early start to the day has promise…until a dude bro wearing ripped shoes says to his other bro that “We shouldn’t wait up for those losers.” Pot calling the kettle black anyone? (DK)

2:35 They really should've named this Harambe Lands. #RIPHarambe (JC)

3:30 If you're ever in San Francisco, eat a burrito from Señor Sisig. I had to Google their name, but it was the best Filipino burrito ever. It warmed my icy soul. (JC)

3:50 This Vince Staples crowd looks like a high school homecoming dance in Yorba Linda. Pretty sure the only non-white people are in the photo pit and on the stage. On a different note, Vince is the man. He may be the future of hip-hop and the future of Long Beach at the same time. (JC)

4:02 The girl behind me just did a bump off of the screen of her iPhone. There's your next promotional tool, Apple. (JC)

4:59 A guy is dancing over his passed out friend during Big Grams in what’s easily one of the more confusing moments of the weekend. (DK)

5:30 No one does suicide or abortion jokes as well as Anthony Jeselnik. (JC)

5:33 “Is this the main stage?” asks the guy standing literally in front of the main stage. (DK)

5:50 Just heard the Last Shadow Puppets cover Moonage Daydream. I've lost count of the Bowie covers and tributes now, but they're nowhere near Harambe. #RIPHarambe (JC)

6:11 There’s a guy dressed in a unicorn get-up that’s literally losing his shit to Air. Who knew the Frenchmen had such a devoted following with the unicorn set? (DK)

6:50 According to my best math skills, I'm at 14 free beers for the weekend and we're only about halfway through. (JC)

7:30 Saw E-40 perform in the Bay Area. Check that one off the impromptu bucket list. (JC)

7:40 I’m a dummy and didn’t get my Radiohead photo pass yesterday. Got played when I went to pick one up, even though I had a confirmation. Lame. (DK)

8:00 I'm watching Radiohead but I wish I was watching Anderson .Paak. (JC)

8:52 Just realized that as much as I like the handful of Radiohead songs I know, they're the staple of every droning rock band I don't like to see live. They sound great, but they're bringing no energy to the table. (JC)

9:17 Got high 5’d by the security on the way for wearing my Liverpool jersey. YNWA. (DK)

9:45 The one guy in the press tent who's really into this Radiohead set just said "Someone gave me mushrooms last night, but I didn't take them" to his buddies. Despite taking no drugs this weekend, I'm sensing some serious differences between us. (JC)

9:50 Finally leaving the festival while Radiohead plays "Paranoid Android" and closes with "Karma Police." Everyone's going to pretend they loved the whole set, but "Karma Police" was the only thing that got a significant crowd response. (JC)

9:55 For a minute there, I lost myself.(JC)

10:20 This whole "festival ends by 10 p.m." thing is pretty great. I can get down with that. (JC)

Sunday, August 7

12:15 p.m. The only band that I really wanted to see all weekend is Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (see: the band from the Muppets). That happens in about two hours. I can't wait. (JC)

12:22 Early parking and good luck means getting a glimpse of the jazz wizard Kamasi Washington, who actually goes sells and signs copies of his epic, The Epic after the set. (DK)

12:25 Walking up to the festival as Kamasi Washington and his magical band busts out what sounds like some jazz flute. Ron Burgundy jokes for everyone. (JC)

1:30 Meanwhile Oh Wonder is putting me to sleep. (DK)

1:40 II just bought a Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem shirt for their one-stop "World Tour." I think it's the first time I bought a concert shirt since high school. I'm also wearing an Animal shirt, which is the only time you'll ever see me wearing a band's shirt to their performance. (JC)

2:15 15 minutes till Muppets time and the crowd is small but fiery. Maybe Animal will bring out their animal side. (DK)

2:25 The puppeteers came out for a bow. Everyone cheered. The stage is mostly drenched in tie dye. Totems of just about every member of the Mayhem can be found throughout the crowd. (JC)

2:30 It's all happening. (JC)

2:41 Yep, people are freaking out about Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem as they plow through covers by the Mowgli’s, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and Joe Cocker/the Beatles. Oh, and the sun is starting to come out. #winning. (DK)

2:50 The skits between songs were amazing. The banter was fantastic. The songs (including "San Francisco" by the Mowgli's and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' "Home") were great. The only shame is that the set was so short. (JC)

3:10 There's an abundance of people in onesies out today. Everything from Pikachu to pizzas. (JC)

3:25 The place where I got a chicken and waffles sandwich for lunch's tip jar said "Tips out for Harambe." I had to tip 20 percent. #RIPHarambe (JC)

3:30 LOL. Third Eye Blind. (JC)

3:52 Third Eye Blind is playing a Bowie medley to a huge crowd. Who knew their gig in Cleveland mocking Republicans would make them a thing again and potentially a watershed moment in their popularity. (DK)

4:22 My favorite part of this Third Eye Blind set is when the singer holds the microphone out for the crowd to sing along to their few hits and everyone just mumbles until they get to the one line people actually know. (JC)

4:41 Saw a twenty-something girl with a Stones logo tattoo on a place where her mother probably wouldn’t be happy. (DK)

4:55 "I heard Radiohead was very mellow" might be the understatement of the year. (JC)

5:20 I've now seen Action Bronson perform a Chance-less "Baby Blue" and Chance perform a Bronson-less "Baby Blue" within a few weeks of each other, but I need to see the two together. (JC)

6:20 Press folks have just popped out of the woodwork for Sunday. Some of them look rather old and/or haggard to be covering a festival. The beer line is long enough where getting two at a time is pretty much mandatory. The beertender seems like he's getting cranky, but he keeps giving me free booze and I've put all of my small bills in his tip jar, so I think we're on good terms. (JC)

6:44 Major Lazer doing Major Lazer things. (DK)

6:45 This Major Lazer crowd is insane. Diplo has people dancing on picnic tables from halfway across Golden Gate Park. They should be headlining over Lionel Richie tonight. It might be the second-best set of the weekend (after Dr. Teeth, of course). (JC)

7:45 I'm not high enough to appreciate the jazzy tunes of Lettuce, but I can appreciate the people throwing lettuce in the crowd in celebration of Lettuce. (JC)

8:30 Lana Del Ray is definitely talented, but her music is a little too slow to be closing out a festival right after Major Lazer. I'm headed to Choco Lands and then to catch some Lionel Richie. (JC)

9:00 It was Hell getting out of the Lana Del Ray crowd. Organization is not Outside Lands' strong suit.
But I just spent $30 on ridiculous things covered in chocolate, so I can't be too mad. (JC)

9:15 Eating a chocolate-covered sea salt caramel while watching Lionel Richie perform "Hello." This is how it's done. (JC)

9:20 I finished two dozen free beers, saw Lionel Richie perform "Hello," and I'm going home with a chocolate-covered Rice Krispies Treat and a Dr. Teeth tour shirt. What more could I want from a festival? (JC)