If you hopped into a way-back machine to the very early days of the OC Weekly, you could scan the advertisements from a fellow who went by the handle Ki Master. You'd immediately zero in on these because of the accompanying photos, which showed a middle-age man dangling a Sparklett's bottle-sized weight from his ding dong, much like the chap in the picture above. I wish I could link you to the Lost in O.C. column the Weekly's witty and amazing Jim Washburn wrote after he bravely gave the Ki Master's program a try, but the best I can do is get you to the 10th anniversary excerpt found here.
Those ads and Washburn's reporting came to mind when I was reading last week how Dr. Gary Rheinschild, who faces
possible state discipline that could range from a public reprimand to loss of
his license over allegations he botched several penis enlargement surgeries, advises using weights to guarantee dick-lengthening success.
Now, less than a week after that, I'm really thinking about the Ki Master as I learn Costa Mesa firefighters just had to saw through a metal dumbbell ring to extract a guy's penis that was stuck inside it.
]
Joseph Serna over at the Daily Pilot got the scoop about what firefighters described as “a once-in-a-lifetime call.”
They were summoned Tuesday to Hoag Memorial Hospital, where a man who was in his 50s and not identified (lucky him) had apparently put his penis
through the hole of a steel, ring-shaped dumbbell weight fastener . . .
. . . two
or three days earlier.
Talk about balls! By the time the fellow got to the hospital, his member had turned black and swollen to five times its normal size.
No, doctors had not transplanted Rosey Grier's johnson onto him, silly. Please keep up.
The sad victim had merely stuck in his pelvic thumb and pulled out a big, black dick.
“They said his comment was,
'This will make me the chief of my tribe,'” Costa Mesa Battalion
Chief Scott Broussard told Serna, and reading that back you can almost hear the fire official and reporter snickering to one another through the interview.
See, the dude either listened to the Ki Master or Doc Rehinschild or maybe that lady who tells fortunes on the teevee. However he got the idea, he got the idea that inserting his baby maker into the steel object would make his one-eyed spitting German helmet longer.
Instead, and it hurts to write this, medical folks say he almost rendered his cock useless.
Cue “Taps.”
Get this: the man at first refused treatment. Doctors had to convince him if fastener remained fastened to his penis any longer, the flesh would die. He had to be sedated so the two-hour procedure could be carried out. Firefighters wore scrubs and the area of the cutting had to be doused with water because of all the sparks that flew.
The sad episode earned the victim a psychiatric hold. According to Broussard, “He was kind of a wingnut.”
Wonder what drew him to that conclusion?
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.