Steven Seagal Lawman–the A&E reality show that premiered last night starring the Mansier model, fading action movie star and Orange County Sheriff's Department reserve deputy reject–is the greatest, best television programming God ever gave man.
Here's why . . .
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1.) Steven Seagal delivers Zen Master voiceovers with words of wisdom like, “When
the world is speeding by for others, I see things for what they are.”
That's some deep shit, brother!
2) Steven Seagal brushes aside any questions Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, sheriff's academy recruits may have
about his training them–but never dare speak on camera–by referring to himself in the third person:
“So you can look at me as Steven Seagal a movie star and say, 'Hey,
Steven Seagal movie star,' or you can wipe that s*@# out of your mind
and say, 'Steven Seagal can save my life.' 'Cause that's why I'm here.”
3) Steven Seagal teaches his fellow Jefferson Parish deputies the finer points of the Aikido to safely take perps down. Their safety is what Steven Seagal is all about.
4) Steven Seagal does not bogart his Zen breathing techniques,
teaching them to one deputy struggling to make a shooting score of at
least 96–lest he lose his service revolver. The portly copper shoots a
97. Thanks, Steven Seagal!
5) Steven Seagal cannot abide that a tall perp placed gingerly
in the back of a sheriff's cruiser has become so upset he kicked out
the side window. “He's not finding his Zen,” laments Steven Seagal.
6) Steven Seagal knows the streets. “These
are the 'jects. You know, the projects,” Steven Seagal tells his now-clued-into-the-lingo-yo partner.
7) Steven Seagal may have been the lead actor in Under
Siege, Hard to Kill and Above the Law,
but Steven Seagal wasn't just acting: “A cock of the head, a foot planted forward
or
back, a flick of the wrist–they all tell me something.” Given the
figure Steven Seagal and half the JPSO force cuts in their
uniforms, they are being told, “Let's break for lunch, fellas.”
8) Steven Seagal knows how to talk with regular folks. Steven Seagal
doesn't pull any of that movie star attitude shit. After deputies pull over some
black guys who were doing nothing wrong, run their names and the
serial number of a handgun one of them had on him, and discover
all of them and the firearm were clean, Steven Seagal explains to the gun
owner, “We're looking for murderers. We're not looking for people like
you. Alright? You hear me?” The man answers sheepishly, “I hear you,”
prompting Steven Seagal to plop one of his ham hands onto the fellow's
shoulder and say cheerfully, “Alright man.”
9) Steven Seagal knows his holes. Riding with one of the “hand-selected elite
team of
deputies” Steven Seagal rolls with, Steven Seagal excitedly barks from the passenger seat in hot pursuit,
“To the right!” That draws an annoyed reply of, “Steven, just let me
drive” from his partner. “Just telling you where the
holes are,” Steven Seagal gently informs.
10) Steven Seagal IS NOT doing this as a publicity stunt, having
worked “major cases” for 20 years in Jefferson Parish, where he has
achieved the rank of Reserve Deputy Chief. Ignore that “Steven Seagal Gets to Play Cop” crap in the LA Times, where entertainment reporter Scott Glover implies
that's a ceremonial title Seagal received while shooting a movie in
Louisiana 20 years ago and that he's just one among 200 other department volunteers.
Writes Glover: “As the actor speaks, a black-and-white photo of him
raising his right hand in what looks like a swearing-in ceremony
appears on the screen, creating the impression it was taken when he
first joined the department. At closer inspection, however, it appears
the photo was taken 20 years–and at least 20 pounds–after the
fact. Seagal says he attended a police academy in Los Angeles
and has a certificate from Peace Officer Standards N Training
(POST), an organization that accredits police officers. POST officials
in California and Louisiana said they had no record of Seagal being
certified. Attempts to reach Seagal were unsuccessful and a spokesman
for the show did not respond to queries about his qualifications.”
You must understand that the Times has been out to get Seagal since before 2002, when he was the Hollywood client at the center of a threat to then Times reporter Anita Busch. While investigating the action star's ties to organized crime, Busch was threatened by ex-con Alexander Proctor, who told an FBI informant that he had been hired to spook the reporter by Anthony Pellicano,
the so-called “private detective to the stars” who was in Seagal's
employ before being sent to the Big House.
11) Steven Seagal is FUCKING STEVEN SEAGAL!
STEVEN SEAGAL LAWMAN IS SHOWN AT 10 P.M. WEDNESDAYS ON A&E. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT. IF YOU DIDN'T, HERE'S THE TRAILER.
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.