Ed Hackbarth and David Jameson began serving their signature tacos in the 60’s in the bustling city of Yermo, California. Sales at the end of their first day totaled a whopping $169, which is like a million dollars in today money. Now, their little taco stand has over 500 locations on god’s green earth and I’ve personally eaten at maybe six of them. Any true Californian knows that tacos are nature’s way of apologizing for earthquakes, rain, and whatever meat Arby’s decides to sell to divorced men in their 40’s. So-Cal favorite, Del Taco has yet to disappoint it’s massive fan base.
I’ve always been able to crush a smorgasbord of greasy fast food after consuming a near lethal amount of alcohol without consequence but then my thirties happened. Along with random ankle clicks and extended hangovers I had to say goodbye to something that has always stood by me through thick and thin, fast food. My three biggest fears are heights, spiders, and getting fat, and since I can’t really do much about the first two besides live in a house and buy bug spray I’ve decided to take charge of my weight. At first it was hard to get used to eating before midnight and it felt like every street I drove down was mocking me with it’s neon signs promising a “quick fix” but I found myself enjoying actual meals. Then I got bored with it and saw that Del Taco was releasing a new, healthier option via their new Beyond Meat Taco. What could go wrong with one tiny meal made from plant based protein and promising to taste better than the original?
Everything, mostly because it doesn’t. This taco made me feel worse than the time I had to change schools right before my 4th grade field trip to the water park. The consistency was more relatable to porridge than meat and the mix of spices stayed with me longer than my last girlfriend. I’m not sure if we are still working out the kinks towards a vegetarian friendly society but this taco is the Samsung Galaxy 7 (that’s the one that exploded) of tacos. At least my Raw Gardens “jungle juice” sauce had me higher than Rob Ford and there was plenty of Inferno packets nearby to drown my sorrows.
Next time I decide to have a cheat day I’ll just stick to the classics. It is a cheat day after all.
Jefferson Matthew VanBilliard is a leo that enjoys all things cannabis and is just trying his best. He let us know that although the desert will always be his home you can find him on Fourth St. in Santa Ana battle rapping teenagers or at the local high school where he coaches girls varsity volleyball without anyone’s permission.