[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]
Phyllis Diller once said, “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight” and with that, we're here to set you straight. Missing Mark Gonzales tonight (May 14th) when he hits up the Brea Improv along with The Smash Brothers would be a big fucking mistake. Why you ask? Allow us to break it down. If you like comedy of the filthy variety you're in for a real treat with Gonzales because is one dirty bird and along with his set, this evening promises to be as naughty as they come. Before the big show kicks off and the shenanigans begin, we got Mark to play “Quick Questions” with us.
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Selfies. Annoying or annoying? I assume every uploaded selfie represents a time when their father wasn't there.
How do you like to handle hecklers? Some comics tell them to shut up but I like to embrace it and build my show around them. We're already in the moment, so why not have some fun at their expense. Plus this forces them to buy me a beer because I made them look like a jackass.
What's your guiltiest pleasure? Breakfast burritos for dinner. Especially when I'm by myself in a dark parking lot.
If you could do a “Freaky Friday” with anyone, who would it be? Bruce Willis. Some people drink warm milk to help them sleep, I'm sure he pounds barely legal chicks to get tired eyes.
What's a terrible song that you love so much? Aloe Blacc's “The Man.” It plays in my head after I look at the receipt from the bar I blacked out at and shows I only spent $10. Where's my Beats by Dre commercial?!
Tupac or Biggie? Lil B, because that was Tupac's favorite Rapper. THANK YOU BASED GOD!
What is the best advice that you've ever received? “You'll think of something.”
Do you prefer a stripper on the pole or on a chair? On a chair so I can stare into her eyes when the disappointment kicks in.
If you could have dinner with anyone (alive) and they'd pay the bill, who'd it be with and where would you go? It would be with Mel Brooks at Canter's. Nothing would be more life changing than to have dinner with one of the greatest comedic minds of all time at a Jewish deli. Especially if I'm not paying.
Is there anything you think is off limits when it comes to jokes? It's only off limits if you can't come up with the joke. If you can't create something funny and original, let someone else do it.
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What is the best concert and the worst concert you have ever been to? The best was Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Troubadour in 2011. I ran into Anthony Kiedis hours before their secret show and I asked if they were selling tickets. After he said no, I thanked him and let him know that their music is a huge part of my life. Then he told his manager to put me on their guest list. Hours later, I was front row along the stage watching my favorite band of all time. I was the only one head-banging and into it since it was filled with music execs and industry. After they finished playing “Right on Time,” Anthony looked at me and said into the mic, “Thank you Mr. Gonzales.” I lost my shit. Best night of my life. I still owe Anthony a favor. The worst show was when I saw Wu-Tang Clan without RZA one time. It gets messy when there are a lot of soldiers with no general.
When was your first time on stage? March 21st 2006 at the Laugh Factory open mic. It was three minutes of painful silence and then I walked off the stage saying to myself, “I can't wait to do that again.”
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Probably somewhere in Europe where she was kidnapped by human traffickers and sold for sexual slavery. That's the price you pay with beauty, darling.
Who in your life is funny but doesn't realize how hilarious they are? I can't choose between them but, my friends Steven Macias and Evan Novorot are the funniest guys I know. Comedy needs them but I tell them to stay away from stand-up or they'll become dead inside.
Would you rather: live without TV for a lifetime or without radio? I can live without TV because I can just watch it on the internet.
What's a total deal breaker for you in the opposite sex? If she previously had a penis.
If you could only listen to one genre of music forever what would it be? Classic Rock because it's the perfect drinking music.
What else can we look forward to from you this year? I'm working on my first comedy album that I hope to have ready before the end of the year. There'll be a lot of tour dates with The Smash Brothers Cory & Chad and I'll also be doing a lot of crying depending on what the Lakers don't do during the off season. Is it October yet?
See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time
Check out Mark Gonzales along with Cory and Chad at the Brea Improv May 14th, 120 South Brea Blvd. Brea, CA 92821. (714) 482-0700. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. For more info, check out www.TheFakeMarkGonzales.com, friend him on www.Facebook.com/TheMarkGonzales, and follow him on Twitter @TheMarkGonzales.
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Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.