The undeniably “Loveable Queen of Mean,” Lisa Lampanelli has gone through a major transformation, shedding more than 100 pounds, but if you think this insult comic has lost her edge along with the weight, think again. Proving she's more than just a hilarious stage act with a sharp tongue, Lisa earned Gay Men's Health Crisis website a whopping $130,000 on last season's Celebrity Apprentice, she's writing a one-woman show, enjoying married life, and all the while, working on coming to grips with her lifelong struggle against bulge. See, even people who seem to have it all have issues! Before her shit-talking set rolls through the City National Grove of Anaheim, she talked to us about her new lifestyle, what the status is on her husband's balls (hey, we only asked for you guys) and where we'll be seeing (less of) her next.
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OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): You have a mirror, so I know you can see how amazing you look, but really, you look gorgeous!
Lisa Lampanelli: You know what's funny is that people are like, “Are you sick of hearing it?” But you're never sick of hearing it because you never heard it for about 30 years, so it's fine. People are also always saying, “Don't you love the way you look?” And I'm like, in clothes, I can stand to look at myself. Out of clothes? I'm older than 50. I should never be naked. With clothes on, I feel good about myself. And thank God for bras!
So what'd you do with your fat clothes?
Well, I try not to call them fat clothes so the people I gave them to won't feel bad. So, I gave away my more “full-figured” clothes. Half of it was crappy stuff, and half was really nice from appearances and shows. I gave some to my sister, who just lost 40 pounds; I gave some “not fat stuff” to another friend who is also losing weight. And then I gave some stuff to one of my assistants. I think most of them found a good home, and I'm really happy because I had like, $100,000 worth of clothes! When you're fat, you have to pay a lot of money for clothes to look halfway decent, but when you're thin, you can go to Macy's and buy stuff on sale and look great!
Since your hubby, “Jimmy Big Balls,” is losing the weight with you, I think the question that's on everyone's mind is: Are those balls of his shrinking?
No! That's how I know God hates me–because they got bigger! I'm not even exaggerating. Everyone's just like, “They probably just look bigger.” No! There's something that happened, and his balls got bigger, and we now have two more throw pillows. I'll never have to buy any ever again! It's disgusting.
He's a medical marvel! Maybe he should look into ball-reduction surgery.
He's got to be studied by science. Believe me, I'm having my researchers look it into.
Or dare I say . . . maybe you should do some mouth-stretching exercises?
Ew, ew, ew! I'm married now! He would never expect that! Plus, I don't want to ruin my hair.
You're a star; you shouldn't have to anyways. So what are you working on in 2013, besides your Kegels?
I'm figuring out what to do for my next special because ever since The Apprentice and the weight loss happened, I have a bunch of new material I want to put out there. I also have an animated show coming out with Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy on CMT called Bounty Hunters. I play myself, which is great because I am such a great actress. I'm also working on a one-woman show for Broadway that is a story basically about me with food issues.
Ummm, I hope your one-woman show ends up coming out here–hint, hint! So what can the people look forward to with your one-night gig in Anaheim?
It's going to be very cool! I'm still doing my trademark, insult stuff for people. There will be stories about The Apprentice and some inside scoop. My thing with that show is that I did the weeks of hell with those people so I have to get some material out of it! A lot of stuff we're not supposed to talk about, but since NBC can't fire me for it, I'm talking about it. The people of Anaheim can probably expect an even-angrier Lisa. Now that I can't eat much, the anger just comes out, so it seems to be funnier than normal.
Lisa Lampanelli performs at the City National Grove of Anaheim, 2200 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 712-2700; www.citynationalgroveofanaheim.com. Fri., 8 p.m. $46. For more info, visit www.insultcomic.com or follow her on Twitter: @LisaLampanelli.
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Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.
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