Ketchup Time

Illustration by Bob AulWell, hepcats and kittens, so much has happened since we were last together that we scarcely know where to begin. When in doubt, Clockwork always checks our Dick—Dick Nixon. The Arrogance of Power by Anthony Summers—a new Nixon bio published on Aug. 28—asserts that in times of personal crisis, Sir Stubble beat his wife like an old cloth coat. Official Nixon apologist John Taylor and official Nixon daughter Patricia Cox immediately dismissed that claim as pure poppycock. We tend to agree. Surely if Dick slapped Pat around, we'd have noticed stains from her spilled cocktails on the rugs. Also while we were away, transportation officials in Orange and Riverside counties decided on Aug. 28 to take the first step toward building a highway through Cleveland National Forest. We offer a hearty “hear! hear!” because it would be sad if state parks, pristine canyons and wildlife corridors were the only things new OC roads were carved into. And speaking of environmental disasters, did you catch the news on Aug. 30 that the hole in the Earth's ozone layer is getting bigger? Perhaps you missed it, due to having already covered your ears two weeks earlier upon learning that for the first time in 50 million years, water has turned up at the North Pole. The culprit? Global warming. Good thing our Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach) has branded that “junk science” and that it is not really happening, despite what 90 percent of the world's scientists say. Thanks for unbumming us out, dude!

GOOFY GEOGRAPHY Disneyland was built in Anaheim what, 45 years ago? You would think that somewhere along the way, the Walt Disney Co. would have figured out their flagship park is located in this little place locals call Orange County. The Mouseketeers' Aug. 30 press release touting the arrival of the Disney Interactive “Big Rig” Truck says the traveling educational exhibition stops at the Wal-Mart stores in “San Diego area-based” Laguna Niguel on Sept. 17 and “Los Angeles area-based” Foothill Ranch on Sept. 23. By that reasoning, the Tragic Kingdom is in the middle of the San Gabriel Valley.

WALLY BALBOA “Citizens supporting petitions to recall three controversial members of the Orange Unified School District Board of Trustees report that they were harassed and insulted by Orange city police officers during the Orange International Street Fair,” charges a release issued by the anti-board Orange Unified Education Association. Clockwork can top 'em. We were working the OC Weekly booth at the fair on Sept. 2 when KDOC-TV's melting wax figure Wally George came by. Despite that pool of wax around his ankles, we have to admit George looked damn fine. Escorting his young daughter Holly, Wally asked, “Who is your editor?” Will Swaim, we dutifully answered. “No, no,” George insisted. “The one who writes all those nasty things about me.” Greg Stacy? “No, he has a column every week . . .” Matt Coker? “THAT'S IT!” Wally shouted. Guilty, we replied. “I'm a nice guy,” George said. “If I weren't with my daughter, I'd punch you in the nose. Put that in your column.” Okily dokily! By the way, we thanked Holly for being there lest we suffer a punch in the nose from her doddering old man.

SPREADING THE LOVE Among the more colorful things said about the OC Weekly over our first five years was something talking-head-for-hire Hugh Hewitt told Swaim. Noting our use of four-letter words, Hewitt said such moral decay is what is leading this country “down the road to Columbine.” We figured Hugh was fulla you-know-what until we heard his pick for president—George Dubya Bush—refer to a reporter as an “asshole” on Sept. 4. Then our infectious disease went international four days later, when a United Nations interpreter lost his place in a speech and uttered an audible, “Oh, fuck.” Remember, you read it here first.

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