Joan of Park

Illustration by Bob AulWow, that Joan Irvine Smith really knows how to draw a crowd. The Irvine family heiress made a rare public appearance at Crystal Cove State Park on Jan. 16 to say she supports an environmental coalition's efforts to stop the Irvine Co.'s private-resort development there. Two days later, more than 400 people stormed an informal meeting at a Corona del Mar elementary school to tell developers and state parks officials where they'd like them to stick their resort project (here's a hint: you'd need a Fresh Rollwipe to reach it). An activist who attended the meeting told Clockwork that resort backers seemed to be caught off-guard by the vehement opposition and that they “left with their heads between their tails.” She said she'd be surprised if they came back, but more public hearings are apparently scheduled for the spring.

PLEASE DON'T SQUEEZE THE CHARLATAN An asswipe from Texas was foisted on the United States of America last week. No, really: Irving, Texas-based Kimberly-Clark Corp. announced on Jan. 16 that it will soon market a moistened toilet paper. What did you think we were talking about? Kimberly-Clark believes Fresh Rollwipes will be the biggest advancement in anal-swabbing technology in 100 years—or at least since the birth of Mr. Whipple. As for that freshly inaugurated Texas asswipe, we clicked on The Progressive online to find columnist Molly Ivins getting off the best line of the week: “George W. Bush's absurd statement that it's 'the Executive Branch's job to interpret the law' leaves one wondering how he can swear to uphold the Constitution when he doesn't know what's in it.” Has it been four years yet?

DUDE, WHERE'S MY CONSCIENCE? Molly Ivins wasn't the only scribe who peeled one off that made us jealous. Rob Long banged out the following in the Jan. 15 Wall Street Journal: “Fox Television's Temptation Island opened to big numbers last Wednesday night, which means the fall of civilization is progressing, as we say out here in Hollywood, 'on time and under budget.'” That's not to say the network owned by the world's most evil man, Rupert Murdoch (who makes Montgomery Burns look like Leo Buscaglia), doesn't have some shame—when pressed, anyway. After a barrage of complaints from parents and the Federal Communications Commission, the network that unveiled Who Wants to Marry a Multi-millionaire? yanked promos for adult-.oriented Temptation Island during broadcasts of family-oriented shows such as The Simpsons and Malcolm In the Middle. Now, if we could just get them to do something about Titus . . .

THE CROOK THAT LAID A GOLDEN EGG Police in Edinburgh, Scotland, got their man, but it took four days to get the loot. A captured jewel thief sought to avoid prosecution by swallowing his haul. No evidence, no case, right? Well, while he may have temporarily beat the rap, the suspect wound up suffering a fate worse than incarceration: four days of constipation. Then, on Jan. 18, he “produced” the goods. If ever a guy needed a Fresh Rollwipe . . . Just pity the poor cop assigned to the “sifting” beat.

HELP WANTED After 13 years as a Huntington Beach police officer, Fountain Valley City Councilman Chuck Conlosh resigned from the force on Jan. 19 and checked into a hospital psychiatric ward, The Orange County Register reported. The 36-year-old, two-termer had previously declined the ceremonial post of mayor, citing his cop duties and lack of support from council colleagues, who apparently didn't appreciate Conlosh keeping his police-issue 9mm semi-automatic handgun in a fanny pack on the council dais. If Clockwork was on that council (no, we're not running), we'd be overjoyed that he sought help from the hospital and not the fanny pack.

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