Jesus Crisis, Now We’re Literally Dealing with LA’s Crap

Many people moved to places like Seal Beach and Long Beach to get away from the shit surrounding daily life in Los Angeles.

On Tuesday, the LA shit came to them.


Beaches in the cities of Seal and Long had to be closed by health agencies on either side of the OC-LA border due to a massive sewage spill in downtown Los Angeles that flowed into the Pacific Ocean and eventually washed up down this way.

Closures were noted on signs dotting beaches in both cities, and for those who cannot read (or will not read because print is dead) were informed by helpful lifeguards to stay the hell out of the toilet bowl.

Hey, LA, we don’t swim in your toilet so don’t … oh, wait, now we do.

The source of the 2.4 million gallons of pee and fecal water that flushed into a river was a pipe installed in 1920 that burst near Mission Road and Sixth Street in LA. The pipe was capped Monday night, but that was too late to prevent the effluent from making the 20-mile ride to the Pacific river mouth.

The cause of the leak was still unknown at press time, but the most likely suspect is age. After all, even 96-year-old people sometimes leak without warning.

It is hoped swimmers will be able to return to the ocean safely by Thursday, although given the current heat wave some may make the Sophie’s Choice and jump in any way to cool off. If that should be you, take heed of the old Mexican proverb: Don’t drink the water.

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